Tom the Guru/Transcript

[audience applauding]

MC: [intentional stuttering] Welcome... to Motivation Now! Ready to hear some speeches, y'all?

[all cheering]

Tom: Look at all those future leaders hungry for success. And I'm here to teach them how to take a bite of that success!

Ben: Don't forget to mention our company at least twice per sentence.

Tom: Oh, don't worry. I talk all about our inspiring tech journey in my even-more-inspiring speech.

[upbeat music playing]

MC: Now, from Tom and Ben Enterprises, give it up for Tom!

[audience cheering]

Tom: Thank you. Today I'll be talking about something I call "The Keys to Success: Secrets Revealed."

[all murmuring excitedly]

Tom: "Lettuce. Potatoes. Cucumber... Broccoli... Baby potatoes"?

(flashback)

Tom: I really nailed it with this speech, Angela.

Angela: Nice! Oh, can you get some groceries for me?

(Flashback ends)

Tom: Uh...

[all murmuring]

Tom: "Celery... Turnips..."

[microphone feedback]

Tom: Well, uh, see, uh... "Cabbage, zucchini, soy milk." Thank you. Goodbye forever.

Man: That's it, that's it! Yes! Brilliant! I love it! We love it!

Audience: We! Love! It! Yes!

[all cheering]

[theme music playing]

Aah!

[crowd cheering]

[all laughing]

[audience cheering]

What happened up there?

You just kept listing food!

But they liked it!

I mean, maybe the way I listed the food sounded important.

Tom! Tom! Tom!

What?

Tom, would you sign my potato?

Just brilliant! Can't wait to hear more!

Yeah!

[excited chatter]

So, how'd your speech go?

Hey, you're the guy with the hot new food philosophy!

Tell us, should we sell our car to fund our dream of opening a piano store?

Well, all I can say is...

Strawberry smoothie. Garden salad.

-Of course! Thank you! It resonates! -You're welcome.

Really?

[people chattering excitedly]

Everyone stand back!

The master needs space to list his groceries.

[stomach groaning]

-[breaks wind] -Shh!

[indistinct chant playing]

"Ice pops.

Chips. Pretzel sticks."

And there you have it!

Now it's up to you to discover what it means.

-I get it! -Pretzel sticks! It's so true!

Thank you!

[all grunting]

[exclaims]

Hello, my children. Are you here to buy my new book?

It's called Brussels Sprouts, Celery, Turnips.

When did you have time to write a--

Oh, I see, it's just lists of food.

Yeah! Tom-ology works by me listing food,

and then you find meaning in the list.

I mean, the Tommies, oh, they love it.

What's a "Tommy?"

"Tommies" are followers of the wisdom of Tom, of course.

We abide by the principle of "Banana, cupcake, rhubarb."

Ha! More like baloney, baloney, baloney!

Yeah, this is getting out of hand. You're reading grocery lists.

Yeah, and it's helping people!

[Becca] Give that back, creep!

[both grunting]

Tom, your brainwashed food freaks are out of control!

What? Well, there must be some mistake.

The Tommies are a peaceful bunch.

It is for the greater good!

[exclaiming in disbelief]

-Bad news. -[alarm blaring]

My Bad News app says this is happening all over town!

They took it all!

All I have left are the crumbs in this pie tin!

[woman exclaims]

No pretzels today!

Those salty Tommies ruined me!

[children laughing]

[man grunting]

[sobbing]

OK, this has gone too far now.

It's time to end the inspiration.

[inhales deeply]

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

-Hello, people I inspired. -[indistinct shushing]

OK, so it seems like some of you have taken my wisdom

in a pretty intense way.

Yes, we did!

You too, Hank? Look, here's the thing...

[all gasp]

My "wisdom" is not real wisdom.

It-- They really are...

[Angela] Mmm-hmm.

Just lists of food!

[Tommies exclaim]

I know, right? It's a bummer.

Anyhoo, please go home.

And also, bring back those groceries you stole.

'Cause they're not yours. OK? Thanks.

[stuttering] But you- you-- but-- your speech changed our lives!

[stuttering] I know. But I'm gonna say it again.

It was just a grocery list. It doesn't mean anything.

[Tommies groaning]

Our leader has lost his way!

He needs the healing power of food items!

[all screaming aggressively]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No!

[Tom screaming]

[Ginger] We've got to do something!

Those food freaks are going bananas!

-[exclaiming] -[stuttering playfully]

Well, well, well. It looks like we have a couple of split peas here.

Hank! Help us!

Ow!

No!

[Tom exclaims nervously] Come on, guys!

[Tom grunting]

As the leader of the Tommies

who no longer wants to be the leader of the Tommies,

I demand you to free me!

Crackers, pickle, peanut butter.

I don't know what that means!

Ooh!

But I do. So I will speak for you,

after you are locked away forever!

Uh-oh.

[grunting]

[all cheering]

Yes!

[all grunting]

We have to get out of here before those nuts hurt Tom!

What are we gonna do?

Um, how's it going?

Hank, get lost! You're a bad guy now!

I didn't think it was gonna get this bad!

I just thought Tom's speech was inspiring.

You know, with the onion and the carrot.

Hank, he was reading my grocery list.

Yeah, but it was the way he said it.

Or, well, maybe I was just hungry!

Forget the big speech, OK, Hank?

We need to get out of here! Can you help us?

I sure can try.

Hank, what are you doing?

[Ginger] Yeah! All right!

[continues munching]

[Ben] Hank, you can stop now.

-Huh? -Let's save Tom!

[cheering continues]

Wait, no, stop--

[muffled grunts]

[grunting]

Oh, I'm so glad to see you!

I thought I'd be left to rot in here.

We're not out of this jam yet.

[Tommies exclaiming]

Those rotten eggs are trying to rescue their Tom!

Stop them!

[Tom] Come on, run faster!

[all screaming]

[panting]

[Angela] What-- No!

[both shuddering]

We have to climb that wall!

Go, go, go!

[Angela grunting]

Go, go, go! Up, up, up, up, up!

[man] Stop him!

[all grunting]

[Tommies laughing]

[Tom sighs]

Oh. Whoa! Whoa!

[groans]

I'm sorry. I should've never given that fake speech.

Yeah...

But if it helps, I found the real speech back in the garage.

I don't know if you want it, though.

You might be done inspiring people.

Maybe I'm not done...

[Tommies cheering]

[man laughing]

-[Tom] Hey! -[Tommies exclaim]

Leave them alone!

Now, you've been inspired by a speech I gave.

But what if I told you that I had a better speech?

"The Keys to Success: Secrets Revealed!"

Fine!

Let's hear this wisdom.

Quickly. We have people to attack.

[clears throat]

The Keys to Success,

by Tom, of Tom and Ben Enterprises.

-Gotcha, bub. -Ben sighs]

There are a few keys to success.

The first key can unlock any opportunity...

So the fifth key is the key of never giving up.

If you give up, you'll never achieve your dream...

That's why like I've circled here, key number nine is...

You are the captain of your own ship,

wherever that ship may sail.

Thank you.

[all gasping]

[people groaning]

That's it?

This is making me question everything we're doing.

That was a bunch of stuff I could have read in greeting cards!

Wait, wait, wait! We don't need Tom.

[woman grunts]

-Why did we follow this guy? -I will be your new leader!

Come on, everyone. Let's go home.

Uh, pesto, sausage, orange juice! [laughing]

Wow. I guess they didn't like my speech.

You guys liked my speech, right?

[all muttering]

Oh, come on! That speech could start a whole new movement.

I mean, you heard the last key, about the ship, right?

-I mean, you've got the key! -[Ben] All right. You did it, Tom.

[Tom] To the ship because you're the captain!

-Yes, yes, the key thing with the ship. -And, look, it doesn't have to be

a ship with a sail, it can be a rocket ship if you want...

[theme music playing]