Angela's Heckler/Transcript

(Scene shows the auditorium during a dress rehearsal for Angela's Christmas concert. The stage is decorated like a living room, with windows and a chimney.)

MC: (dances onstage) Aw, yeah! It's holly-jolly time, y'all! Who's ready for the big Christmas concert?

(The audience consists of Tom and Ginger bored, Hank sleeping, and Ben working with his laptop, showing no interest.)

MC: (pouts) Well, that's later, but right now, let's get some dress-rehearsal-style applause for Angela!

(Tom's face brightens when Angela goes onstage.)

Angela: Thank you, thank you! Alright, guys. Here's a Christmas song my grandmother used to sing to me when I was a little girl. Now there's just one thing I want for Christmas.

''♪ Here's some things I like about Christmas... presents... ♪''

MC: True that!

(Ginger shoots a slingshot at Tom. Tom ignores Ginger.)

Angela: ''♪ Mistletoe... ♪''

Ginger: (giggles) Yeah!

MC: Uh-huh!

Angela: ''♪ Candy canes... ♪''

MC: Canes of candy!

Angela: ''♪ But you know what I hate about Christmas? ♪''

MC: What's that?

Angela: (spoken) Reindeer.

MC: Reindeer?

Angela: ''♫ Reindeer! Stomping on my roof! ♫''

(Stomping on my roof...)

''♫ Eating all my carrots! Pooping on my snowman! ♫''

(Tom cheers for Angela while Hank is still sleeping.)

''♫ Filthy, nasty reindeer! ♫''

Voice: (robotic) Get off... the... stage!

(The music abruptly stops.)

Angela: Oh, no! Why? Is there a fire?

Voice: Your singing stinks... as bad as your feet!

(The friends are shocked.)

MC: A heckler?! In my club?! You better show yourself before I throw yourself! Sorry, Angela, I feel terrible about this! (dances the Worm)

Angela: (sobs) Then why are you doing the Worm?

MC: Worms can feel terrible.

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to Angela sitting on the side of the stage.)

Tom: Angela, wh-why are you so upset? It was just a heckler.

Angela: No, Tom, it was more than that. Much more. It brought me back to another time I was heckled...

(A flashback is shown of Angela as a child performing the same song.)

Angela (child): (performs) ''Filthy, nasty reindeer! Poopin' on my snowman! Poopin' on my snowman-''

Voice: (robotic) Get off... the... stage!

Angela (child): Huh?

Voice: Your singing stinks... as bad as your feet!

(Angela gasps.)

(End of flashback.)

Angela: Who would do that? Who would heckle a sweet, little girl singing a nice song about Christmas?

MC: (raps) Well, all the doors were locked, we’re the only ones here, and I was onstage, so you know it wasn’t me, so...

Angela: So, that means the heckler is... (points to friends) one of you?!

(The friends gasp one at a time. A dramatic sound is heard.)

Hank: Oh! That’s my new ringtone.

Tom: (gets onstage) I, for one, am shocked and appalled that someone would heckle Angela.

Ben: Well, you shouldn’t be, considering the heckler is... you!

(Hank's dramatic ringtone is played.)

Hank: Oops. Sorry. (turns off phone)

Ben: A simple Internet search of “Tom” and “heckler” shows that you, Tom, received not one, not two, but three after-school detentions for heckling. (holds up computer screen) And one of them was at a Christmas concert!

Angela: Tom, you heckled? How could you?

Tom: That was a different time! I was young and desperate for attention. I never stopped talking. I was a real blabbermouth. Couldn’t shut me up! I would just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on!

Ben: Tom!

Tom: The point is, that was a different me, okay? I would never heckle Angela.

Angela: (pouts) I wish I could believe you.

Tom: You can!

(Angela leaves.)

Tom: Angela, wait! I have to find the real heckler and clear my name!

(Scene cuts to the garage bathroom.)

Hank: Luckily, I know everything there is to know about solving mysteries, (puts on police cap) thanks to my favorite show, Professor Bloodhound and Constable Larry.

Tom: (in British accent) You know, that show where the characters spout Bri'ish clichés to try to sound smart.

Hank: (in British accent) Indubitably, old chap!

(Tom and Hank leave the bathroom, both in detective attire. Tom holds a magnifying glass and Hank has a spyglass. They look around the garage.)

Tom: Without having done any actual detective work besides wearing this hat, which I fancy, I can conclude, with some degree of certainty, that the heckler is... (goes to Ben's desk) Ben, if that’s your real name!

Ben: Uh, you have no idea what you’re doing, do you?

Tom: I’ll ask the questions here!

Hank: Yes, Professor Bloodhound will ask the questions!

Tom: Ben, is it or is it not true that you recently developed an app called... "the Hecklematic?!"

Hank: The worm hath turned!

Ben: Well, yes, I did, but-

Tom: And what does the app do?

Ben: Well, it... heckles.

Tom: (in normal voice) Ah-ha! I mean, (in British accent) “ah-ha!” British.

Hank: Crumpets!

Ben: It wasn’t me! I only made that app to train myself to deal with hecklers while I’m doing stand-up. Look, see, okay, here. (stands up and clears throat) Why do magnets win beauty pageants? (drum roll) Because they’re so... attractive!

(Ginger is upstairs.)

Ginger: (shouts) Boo! Your comedy is terrible! Boo! Get a real job! You’re awful!

Tom: (in normal accent) Ginger, that was a heckle!

(Hank's dramatic ringtone is heard.)

Hank: Oops!

Ginger: (gets down with rope) What? Oh, you think I’m the one who heckled Angela?

Hank: Well, you do enjoy heckling. Right, Inspector Bloodhound-Tom?

Tom: (in British accent) Ginger, of course! It’s so obvious, it hurts!

Ginger: It wasn’t me! I’ll prove it to you. Hank, let me ask you something: you sleepwalk, right?

Hank: Sure, every night.

Ginger: And while sleepwalking, you scream at anyone who crosses your path.

Hank: Of course...

Ginger: And what was your favorite part of Angela’s performance?

Hank: I don’t know. I fell asleep. (realizes) Oh, crumpets!

Angela: (groans) This is ridiculous. Tom, your investigation hasn’t proven anything, and you’re the only one who’s ever heckled at a Christmas show, so as far as I’m concerned, you’re guilty.

Tom: Please, Angela, you’ve got to believe me! I’d never heckle you!

Angela: (whispers) Guilty!

(Scene cuts to Tom speaking to the audience.)

Tom: Angela’s honestly, like, the single most amazing person I’ve ever met. If she thinks I’m the heckler, well, she’ll never fall...

(Scene cuts.)

Tom: You think I'm in love with Angela? Oh, come on!

(Scene cuts back to the garage during Tom's investigation.)

Tom: (in British accent) Okay, righto. Le- ah... (in normal voice) look, I know we’re stumped, but I promise, we’re going to find this heckler... somehow.

Hank: Hey, whenever Professor Bloodhound is stumped, he and Constable Larry always do two things: have a spot of tea, and then return to the scene of the crime.

(Scene cuts to Tom and Hank drinking tea on the couch.)

Tom: (sips) Oh, that’s dreadfully good! (gets idea)

(Scene cuts back to the concert hall. Tom speaks with the MC with Hank.)

Tom: (to MC) As a servant of the Crown, I demand to see the security footage from Angela’s rehearsal!

MC: Aw, yeah, uh, follow me!

(Tom and Hank follow the MC.)

(Scene cuts to the security room. The footage is shown of the concert.)

Tom: Ah-ha. (points to location onscreen) Zoom in there, if you please!

MC: Zoom that in. Enhance!

Tom: Make it so.

MC: Yuh.

(The MC zooms in the image at the location of the fireplace.)

Tom: Ah-ha! Hank, I’ve got a feeling I know who our heckler is...

Hank: Jolly-good work, Inspector!

MC: Boo-ya! (gets out of chair and dances the Running Man)

Tom: Look at him! He's doin' the Running Bloke.

MC: Yeah. I have a different dance for every mood! Right now, I’m surprised and kinda hungry!

(Scene cuts to the concert stage. The friends are all gathered.)

Tom: I’ve gathered you all here at the scene of the crime, so that I can reveal not only who heckled Angela tonight, but who heckled her way back when in kindergarten, because, you see, the two hecklers in question are, in fact, one and the same!

(Hank's dramatic ringtone is played.)

Hank: Oops, sorry, I’ll put it on vibrate.

Tom: (takes out plate of cookies) And these bikkies, which I believe you call cookies, will prove it!

(A leg is seen in the fireplace.)

Ben: Wait, who’s that?!

(The man, who is revealed to be Santa, approaches the plate of cookies.)

Tom: Hold it right there!

Santa: Okey-dokey.

Tom: Ah-ha! I knew it! Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you... your heckler.

Angela: Santa?!

Santa: Ho-ho. Guilty as charged.

Angela: I knew it! I mean, like, I didn’t know it, but I, like, knew it.

Ben: What?! Santa, why would you heckle Angela?

Santa: Have you ever really listened to the lyrics in her Christmas song?

(Santa plays a video on his phone of Angela singing her lyrics.)

Angela (on video): Filthy, nasty reindeer! Poopin' on my snowman! Poopin' on my...

(The video ends.)

Angela: Okay, I guess, you know, maybe out-of-context, those lyrics could sound a bit anti-reindeer. I’m sorry.

Ginger: Wait, Tom. How did you know it was Santa?

Tom: Well, think about it. All the doors were locked, which means the heckler had to find another way into the club, like a chimney.

Hank: (gasps) There’s a chimney right there!

Tom: Right. Stay with me here, buddy.

Ben: But what about the robot voice?

(Santa takes out his phone and opens an application that makes Santa's voice sound robotic.)

Santa: (robotic voice) You mean... this voice? (normal voice) Ho-ho! Just a gadget that the elves made for me. Oh, I’m sorry I heckled you, Angela.

Tom: The important thing here is that we solved the mystery, and now we know for sure that I’d never, ever, ever, ever do anything to hurt Angela’s feelings.

(Hank makes a thumbs-up gesture.)

Tom: Ever.

Santa: Good. Now, do you think you can still play the Christmas concert?

Angela: Ah! Uh-huh!

(Scene cuts to the concert.)

Angela: (sings)

Let me tell you about the dopest Christmas I ever had!

Getting heckled by Claus...

(continues singing in background)

Santa: So... it’s Christmas Eve, bro. You going to tell her how you feel?

Tom: Whaaat? I mean, I think she’s, uh, uh, super swell and, uh, an upstanding, uh, citizen-

Santa: Tom, I’m Santa Claus. I know when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’re lying.

Tom: No, I, no, I, uh, no. Oh, hey, Angela, hi!

Angela: I’m so psyched! I can perform again! And it’s all thanks to you, Tom. I, um, got you a little something. (gives card to Tom)

Tom: You did? You didn’t have to do that.

Angela: And I think it really sums up how much you mean to me… (blinks) oh, uh, gotta go!

Tom: (reads) Oh? “Just Friends Forever...” Huh. Well, the “just” part seems a bit unnecessary...

MC: (pulls Tom onstage) Get some of that funky you, yo!

(The friends get onstage and dance, then Santa goes onstage.)

(Credits roll. Reindeer, Oh, Reindeer is reprised in the credits.)