Pirates of Love/Transcript

(Tom, who is at the garage, is calling Angela, who is at a movie studio.)

Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I do not understand why you are still mad at me.

Angela: Really, Tom? Well, let's run through what you did.

(flashback appears of The Deep Secret, with Tom reading Angela's diary.)

Angela: First, you read my diary...

(flashback changes to Tom looking into Angela's laptop.)

Angela: Then you made things worse by snooping through my email and my phone...

(flashback changes to Tom yelling.)

Angela: And finally, you ruined Mystery Game Night by melting down in front of all of our friends! I was trying to surprise you with news that I'm doing a music video with the incredible Ricky DeLuna! But you turned my nice surprise to a disaster!

Tom: Okay, that's all fair, but in my defense, how can you stay mad at a face like this? Huh? (winks to Angela)

Angela: (slams phone into table) Ugh!

(Ricky DeLuna enters.)

Ricky: Hello, Angela! (Angela gasps.) I'm looking forward to creating something beautiful with you.

(Angela squeals.)

(theme song plays.)

(Scene changes to the garage. Hank and Ginger are watching TV.)

Man (on TV): Susanna, do not leave me, I beg of you! I beg on my knees in the pouring rain-

(Tom blocks the TV.)

Tom: Guys?

(Hank and Ginger complain.)

Hank and Ginger: Hey! Oh, come on!

Tom: I need to show Angela how much she means to me. (turns off TV) So, I got her... drumroll, please... (Hank starts playing a drum) a gift basket!

Ginger: Pffft! Forget her, man!

Hank: TV says the best way to make a girl forgive you is to run to her in the rain.

Tom: Uh, you don't know what you're talking about.

Ben: Tom's right! Listen to the dating expert! (holds a bow device) This device magnifies the romantic feelings to whoever it's pointed at. If Angela's like levels for you are too low, this baby will put things right!

(The bow fires. The arrow bounces off various objects before hitting Hank in the snout.)

Hank: (gets up) Ugh. (looks at Ginger in admiration)

Ginger: Hank?

Hank: Aah! (kisses Ginger in the arm)

Ginger: Ew! Yuck! (pushes back Hank) Gross! You guys are all gross! (leaves)

Ben: See? Like Cupid's arrow! Just never set it to reverse, or it will wipe out any romantic feelings, leaving its target as an emotionless robot. (The heart-shaped arrowhead breaks.)

Tom: Trust me, what Angela needs is an apology and this sweet basket!

(Scene cuts to Tom intruding into Angela's dance rehearsal. Latin guitar music is playing.) Angela (to Ricky): Wow, let's try it one more- (sees Tom) Tom?

Tom: Hey, that is a passionate dance.

Angela: Yeah, all Ricky De Luna dances are full of passion.

Ricky: The world needs passion.

Angela: That's what dancing is all about.

Tom: Wha- uh- you know what? You're right. I don't want to get in the way. I'm just here to give you this nice gift basket.

Angela: What? It's distracting! I'm at work! You didn't do anything else, did you?

Tom: Uh, no! No! Obviously not! I mean I would-

(Tom signals to Ben, Ginger and Hank, who were hiding, not to appear.)

(They appear anyway. Ben is holding two French flags, Ginger has foam fingers, and Hank has a noisemaker.)

Ginger, Ben, Hank: (sings)

He's sorry, he's so sorry,

He hopes you won't stay mad,

He admits the things he did

Were really very bad.

(Tom facepalms.)

Angela: (sighs) Just go home, Tom.

(scene cuts to Ricky in front of mirror)

Ricky: (sighs) Such a shame to cover one of my beautiful eyes for a costume.

(Tom appears)

Tom: Hello, Ricky.

(Ricky screams.)

Tom: We need to have a little chat.

Ricky: What can I do for you?

Tom: Look, I get that you're all about passionate dancing. That's fine, but while you're doing it, don't let her forget what a good thing she has with me. Just be like, (imitates Ricky's accent, starts dancing, tango music plays) "I am so impressed with your boyfriend. I cannot believe he gave you that basket, which was really something."

Ricky: I understand. To see Angela dancing with me must be difficult. I should help you.

Tom: Yes, thanks, man. I knew you were cool.

Ricky: I said I "should" help you. But I will not, because I would rather steal Angela away from you.

Tom: (gasps) What? I don't think so, bud!

(music ends)

Ricky: All women fall for Ricky De Luna. Angela will be no different.

Tom: No, you're wrong.

(Tom slips on a bottle and falls.)

Ricky: Ha!

Intercom: Ricky De Luna to the dance floor. Angela wants to rehearse the super-romantic part of the dance.

Ricky: Ah, the lady calls. Soon, Angela will choose between us. And who will she pick? Tom, who hides in my costumes? Or Ricky, the irresistible dancer with a breath as fresh as a herd of roses?

Tom: No, she'll pick me, Ricky, no matter how fantastic your breath is!

(Scene cuts to dance set.)

Director: Okay, we need this dance to be perfect. Action!

(Ricky pretends to use the helm of the set's pirate ship. Latin music plays, and Angela and Ricky begin to dance.)

Ricky: This is going really well. There is undeniable chemistry between us.

Angela: Yeah, I agree! Sorry about my boyfriend, though. We're going through something. I'm sure I'll leave us alone now.

(Tom watches Angela with a spyglass. Tom walks on the set, and grabs Angela away from Ricky.)

Angela: I can't believe you, Tom! You are ruining my video!

Tom: Look, I know I told you to leave, but I have to warn you about Ricky. He wants to break us up!

Ricky: Oh, Tom, this is not a good look on you. (draws a sword) You should get out of here.

Tom: Oh, I will, but not until I prove you're not so special, DeLuna! (draws sword)

(The crew gasps)

(Tom and Ricky swordfight. Ricky manages to corner Tom on the ship's plank and disarm him.)

Ricky: Say you dance-surrender, Tom!

Tom: Never! (laughs)

(Tom jumps and swings on a rope, allowing him to corner Ricky.)

Tom: (laughs) You lose, Richard!

Angela: What is wrong with you?!

Tom: Uh, you seem very angry. I mean-

Angela: You sabotaged the biggest shot in my video! Have you gone nuts?

Tom: No, no, I'm trying to warn you about him and get you to forgive me.

Angela: Well, that backfired. (sighs) I think we need some time apart.

(The crew gasps)

Tom: What? But I- (Angela leaves.) I understand. I shouldn't have-

Ricky: Goodbye, ex-boyfriend Tom.

(Scene cuts to Tom and Hank eating in garage.)

Hank: Wow, so you're telling me that Angela's going to wind up with Ricky DeLuna, international superstar and pop idol? (sighs) Lucky her. I mean, that's terrible for you, but, wow, Ricky De Luna? Quite a catch!

Tom: I should have given her space. I feel horrible.

Hank: Yeah, breaking up is tough. No way to change that. Unless you use Ben's machine, I guess, but that's crazy.

(Tom stares at Ben's machine.)

(Scene cuts to Angela on set. Angela opens the card in Tom's gift basket.)

Angela: (reads card) "I could count a million things I like about you. The way you think, the cute things you do." Oh, Tom!

Ricky: You seem distracted by your dramatic breakup! I hope I can help you find some peace.

Angela: I can't believe Tom did that. He's so infuriating!

Ricky: He does not understand you. Those who are not superstar entertainers cannot know our minds.

Angela: You think I'm a superstar?

Ricky: You are going to be a very big deal, Angela. Along with your superstar boyfriend.

Angela: Uh, your superstar boyfriend?

Ricky: Yes, you have ditched the zero. So now you can be the hero.

Angela: What? No! This is a professional dance relationship.

Ricky: Oh, Angela, don't play hard to get. Like I told Thomas, the women always fall for Ricky.

Angela: Oh, you really said that to Tom? (gasps) He was telling the truth!

Ricky: Who cares about him? He's gone. Now, give your new boyfriend a kiss.

(Ricky attempts to kiss Angela. Angela pushes Ricky off the ship.)

Ricky: Uh- I feel pain! Angela! (Angela leaves.)

(Scene cuts to Tom, who has locked himself in an upstairs room. He has Ben's machine, ready to use the reverse effect on himself to ease the pain of the breakup. Ben, Ginger and Hank are banging the door.)

Ben, Ginger, Hank: Tom, don't do it! Please, stop! No, Tom!

Ginger: If you lose your emotions, all you'll care about are work and bills and stuff!

Ben: Ginger, don't make it sound like a good thing.

(Angela calls Hank.)

Hank: Oh, Tom, Angela's calling! She might have something important to say! (picks up phone) Hey, Angela, Tom's a little busy now. He's wiping out all his emotions.

Angela: What, no! Don't let him! He was right! This was a big mistake!

Hank: Uh, could you come here? Like, in the next two seconds?

Angela: No! I'm on the other side of town!

Hank: (gasps) That's bad.

Ben, Ginger: No!

Angela: Listen closely. Plug your phone into the TV.

Hank: Alright. (runs to TV)

(Tom fires the machine. A memory is played of Angela and Tom sitting on the taxi.)

Angela: (sighs) I'm in love.

(The sky turns to storm. A red vortex appears in the sky. Angela starts getting sucked in.)

Angela: Ah, Tom!

(Tom grabs Angela's hand.)

(Back to real world)

Ben: What are we going to do?

Hank: Ben!

(Hank is carrying a television.)

Ben: What are you doing?

(Hank plugs the phone into the TV.)

(Back to stormy flashback. Tom struggles to hold onto Angela.)

Tom: Ah, I'm slipping! Ah!

(Tom lets go.)

(Angela and Tom scream.)

(The flashback freezes. Angela falls back to earth and the sky reverts to normal. Guitar music is heard.)

Angela: What?

Tom: Angela?

(Back to real world. Angela is singing a song and it is being played on the TV.)

Angela: (sings)

I could count a million things I like about you,

The way you think, the cute things you do,

We've had our ups and we've had our downs,

Our belly laughs and our sad face frowns.

But in the end, we always see,

I'm right for you,

And you're right for me.

(music ends)

(Tom sniffles and puts aside the machine.)

(Scene cuts to Tom and Angela on taxi)

Tom: So, you made the video without Ricky, huh?

Angela: Yup, but the video I did make is more important to me. It's about something I care about: us.

Tom: Ugh, Angela, I am sorry about the increasingly unfortunate series of things that I did.

Angela: (chuckles) I know you are, Tom. I know.