Taco Spaghetti Burger/Transcript

(Scene shows the driveway. Angela, Tom and Ginger are playing basketball outside the garage.)

Tom: Ha! Ah! Uh! No! What are you doing?

(Angela passes the ball to Ginger.)

Tom: Ginger!

(Ginger laughs.)

(Ginger tries to score the basket, but Tom leaps in front of him.)

Tom: (slow-motion) Noooo!

(Tom stops the ball from entering the basket.)

Tom: (laughs) Don't bring that weak game into my house!

Ginger: I'm... seven.

Ben: (enters, clears throat) I hate to interrupt your, (hesitates)  hooping,  but, I need Tom to record a sales video for my brilliant new app. (shows tablet)

Tom: Sales, my specialty. What cool new tech thing is ready to sling? (reads tablet) "The Bathroom Buddy, the app that helps you... find the nearest bathroom?" Gross, ugh! Seriously? I'm not selling that.

Ben: Why not? It's a highly-practical application.

Tom: (dribbles ball) Because there is nothing cool about the Bathroom Buddy.

Ben: But I happen to think practicality is cool.

Tom: (to Angela and Ginger) Hey, what do you guys think about The Bathroom Buddy?

Angela: Uh-uh.

Ginger: Bleugh!

Ben: Some people wouldn't know a good idea if it was served up on a silver platter.

(Hank appears with a dish on a silver platter.)

Hank: (lifts lid) Who wants to try my new food idea?

(On the plate is a sandwich-like food.)

Ginger: Whoa, what is that thing? It looks like a monster baby.

Hank: Well, I couldn't decide if I wanted taco, spaghetti, or burgers, so I combined 'em all. I call it the "Taco Spaghetti Burger"- "TSB" for short.

Tom: (eats TSB) Mmm, mmm! My taste buds are exploding with flavor. Now, this TSB is as cool as a game-winning shot. (laughs, throws basketball)

(The basketball misses the hoop.)

Tom: Yeah, woo!

Ben: You missed.

Tom: I don't know that.

(The basketball bounces on Ben's head. Ben collapses.)

(Theme song plays)

(Ben walks through the driveway. Ginger, Angela and Tom are eating TSBs. Hank is at the taxi grill.)

Tom: Hank, this TSB is truly a work of art.

Hank: What can I say? Some people look at a block o' marble and see a big hunk o' rock. I look at a block o' marble and I see... lunch.

Ben: I'm glad you're enjoying your novelty snack. (takes TSB) Now, if you could please finish, I'd like to record the Bathroom Buddy sales pitch.

Tom: Hey, Ben, instead of wasting time trying to sell the "Toilet Friend..." (takes TSB back)

Ben: "Bathroom Buddy!"

Tom: ...we should introduce the world to Taco Spaghetti Burger.

Ben: Tom, you'll never be able to sell that slop!

Tom: Oh, yeah? I can sell this in a heartbeat. (sees man) Watch.

(Tom approaches the man.)

Tom: (sniffs TSB) Mmm. Mm, mm, mm! This smells so... (sniffs TSB) cool.

Man: (sniffs TSB) Ja, it does smell cool. What is it?

(Ben growls.)

Tom: Oh, it's just the latest creation from Chef Hank over there. It's so new, if you bought one, you'd be our first customer.

Man: (excitedly) F-f-f-f-first?! I will pay everything in my money-wallet to try it first!

Tom: Order up! One TSB, Chef Hank!

Hank: Okey-dokey! (gives man TSB)

Ben: Oh, come on!

Man: (tastes TSB) Oh... my... scarf! Super delicious! And look at this eat-mosphere. A taxi-grill, a basketball hoop, a nerd... this garage-restaurant is ze coolest.

Ben: Heh, this isn't actually a-

Tom: Wait a minute, you think our restaurant is cool?

Man: (takes selfie) I do, and soon, all of my FastaPic friends will, too. (leaves)

Tom: See, Ben? Cool sells.

(Scene cuts to the garage.)

Ben: Good news. To make the Bathroom Buddy more cool, I've linked it with social media. Users can now review a toilet and share photos with their friends.

(Ben is not heard.)

(The garage has been transformed into a restaurant selling TSBs. Angela is at a cash register.)

Angela: (rings bell) Order up! I need a TSB with extra 'S,' pronto!

(Hank is at the kitchen making TSBs.)

Ben: W-w-wait, what is going on here?

(Tom is bringing TSBs to customers.)

Tom: (to phone) This is the Garage....

Ben: I know where we are.

Tom: (ignores Ben) ...home of the Taco Spaghetti Burger.

(A voice is heard on the other end of the phone.)

Tom: Will this be for pickup or for delivery? (brings dishes to counter)

Ben: Tom?

Tom: (ignores Ben) Order up! (leaves)

(The restaurant is full of guests.)

Ben: Oh, no.

(Ben goes to his desk, which has been occupied by guests.)

Ben: Wait, hey! Who said you two could sit here?

Customer: (in snarky voice) Ohh, do you work here?

Ben: Yes, this is a tech company and I am a technical engineer.

Customer: Well, how 'bout you engineer me a refill on my drink? (laughs) High-five! (high-fives customer)

Ben: (shouts) Tom!

Tom: (appears) What's up?

Ben: I want my desk. Now!

(Again, Tom is on a phone call.)

Tom: I'm sorry, we are swamped. You're looking at a 25-minute wait. (leaves)

Ben: (growls) That's it! I've had enough of these... these... foodies!

(The customers gasp.)

Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ben, please. "Foodies" is no longer the correct term. They want to be called "munchoids" now, okay?

Ben: (slaps hand) I don't care what they want to be called! I just want them gone so we can work on my new app! (shakes customer's chair)

Customer: Who-o-o-ah!

Tom: Hey, you can't treat our customers like that!

Ben: We don't have customers. We have clients, because we don't have a restaurant, and the way you're acting, I'm not even sure we have a tech company anymore!

Tom: Oh, if that's how you feel, then maybe you should take your Bathroom Buddy and go!

Ben: Fine, I'll sell it on my own! Mark my words. Very soon, people will get tired of your... trendy food. And then you'll have nothing. Nothing!

Ginger: (runs in) Guys! There's a huge line of hungry-looking weirdos outside, and it doesn't look like they're going away anytime soon!

Tom: Excuse me. I have to get ready for the lunch rush. (leaves)

Ben: Ugh!

(Scene cuts to the driveway. There is a long line of customers in the sidewalk. Ginger holds a sign reading, "Hank's TSB.")

(Inside the garage, Tom delivers food on roller skates. Angela's cash register becomes full of money.)

(Hank cooks a TSB. Tom delivers the food to the customer. The customer takes a photo with Tom, which gain likes on social media.)

(Scene cuts. The garage is empty. The first customer enters.)

Tom: Hey there! What can I get you, Taco Spaghetti Burger?

Customer: No, of course not. Taco Spaghetti Burgers are so yesterday.

Tom: Well, yes, they were invented yesterday, so I guess that's true.

Customer: What else do you have here that is cool to eat?

Tom: Oh, well, we might have some cereal... or something.

Customer: Boooring! Oh, looks like I will be trying out the new food truck downtown that also gives haircuts. (starts leaving)

Tom: Wait, don't leave before you hear about our, uh... secret menu.

Customer: What is this secret menu?

Tom: (chuckles) Super-secret. (closes door) Would you like to try Chef Hank's new, one-of-a-kind Banana-Nacho-Pizzas?

Hank: (overhears) Bleugh!

Customer: Is it organic?

Tom: If you believe it is.

Customer: Okay and dokay. One "Banana Nacho Pizza" for here.

Hank: (pulls Tom aside) Tom, as a food artist, it's my duty to warn you: combining those three things might taste... weird.

Tom: Oh, don't worry, it doesn't have to taste good. I mean, people would probably drink toilet water if they thought it was cool.

Ginger: Hmm... (gets idea) Ha! (leaves)

Tom: Trendy food just has to have a weird mix of ingredients and the right presentation.

Angela: Like cereal... jelly... waffles!

Tom: Yeah, there you go! Now, let's come up with a whole menu full of weird new food ideas. The weirder they are, the better! All right, guys, let's do this!

(A montage is shown of Hank combining various ingredients.)

(Angela suggests a dish made with lettuce, mustard and pancakes. The customer enjoys the dish.)

(Tom suggests a beverage made with peppers, ice cream and toothpaste. The customer enjoys the dish.)

(Angela suggests a dish made with yogurt, tofu and ravioli. The customer enjoys the dish.)

(Hank continues creating new dishes. Ginger starts serving beverages to customers.)

(End of montage.)

Angela: I can't believe they're eating all this stuff! Look, that guy is stirring his coffee with a pickle.

(Ginger walks out of the bathroom with a tray of cups.)

Ginger: They're even drinking toilet water, just like you said they would!

Tom: No, Ginger, I said people would probably drink toilet water if they thought it was cool!

Ginger: That's not what I heard.

Angela: Ginger, did you serve anyone toilet water?

(A customer runs into the bathroom and vomits in the toilet.)

Hank: Maybe he forgot to wash his hands.

(All customers begin to vomit. The friends stand in horror.)

(Scene cuts to the diner. Ben tries to convince Rhonda to film the Bathroom Buddy sales pitch.

Rhonda: I got to admit, a bathroom finder is a brilliant idea! A hundred times a day, people ask me where the toilet is.

Ben: Which is exactly why I think you, Rhonda, are the perfect person to replace Tom as the star of my new app promo video.

Rhonda: Oh, whoa, I'm no Techy-Tina or nothin', but I guess I don't have anything better to do. Ever since Tom's hip new restaurant opened, this place has been completely empty!

(Only one customer is in the diner.)

Customer: But what about me?

Ben: Quiet on the set! (claps clapperboard)

(The filming begins.)

Rhonda: (reads cue card, in monotone voice) "Like a true friend, the Bathroom Buddy is there for you when you need it most."

(Ben is disappointed.)

Ben: Cut.

Rhonda: Cut what?

Ben: "Cut" means stop talking.

Rhonda: What's the matter? Am I doin' it wrong?

Ben: Oh, no, no, there's not wrong or right. (stutters) Let's try another take, but this time, say it more like you think Tom might say it.

Rhonda: More like Tom. Got it.

(Filming begins.)

Ben: Action.

(Rhonda is confused.)

Ben: "Action" means start talking.

Rhonda: Oh. (reads cue cards, in monotone voice) "Like a true friend, the Bathroom Buddy is there for you when you need it most."

Ben: Ugh!

(Scene cuts to the garage. More customers vomit.)

Hank: Code red! Repeat, code red! It's Barf City over here!

(Tom slips on vomit.)

Tom: Whoa! Someone grab the mop!

(Another customer vomits.)

Tom: Someone grab the backup mop!

(A customer takes a selfie of himself vomiting in the kitchen sink.)

Angela: Uh, did that guy just take a pukie?

(Customers approach the only bathroom, which is occupied.)

Customer: Open the door!

(Angela slips on vomit and falls.)

Customer: (grabs Tom) If only there was a convenient way to find the nearest...

(Scene cuts to Rhonda filming.)

Rhonda: (in monotonous voice) "...bathroom. With the state-of-the-art porpoise detectors..."

Ben: Cut. It's pronounced, "porcelain detectors." Tom would never make that mistake.

Rhonda: (impatient) If you like Tom so much, why don't you make a commercial with him?

Ben: Because I don't need- oh, who am I kidding?

(Tom knocks on the diner window.)

Tom: Ben! (goes inside) Ben!

Ben: Tom!

Tom: There you are!

Ben: Rhonda, take five.

(Rhonda misunderstands and counts with her fingers.)

Ben: It means take a break!

Rhonda: Oh. (leaves)

Tom: Ben, listen to me.

Ben: No, Tom, listen to me. I know you don't always like my practical ideas, and I don't always like your cool ideas, but we're a-

Tom: We're a team! Yes! You need me and I need you!

Ben: So, yeah, if you want to sell cool food, I guess I'll support you, and I'm hoping you could support my practical ideas too.

Tom: Ben, I was wrong. The Bathroom Buddy is a great idea. I see that now.

(Customers from the garage are outside the diner, preparing to vomit.)

Tom: Ugh. You never know when you're gonna need it until you really actually need it.

(Customers outside vomit.)

Tom: But then when you really need it, you, like, really, really need it. And we need it! Like, really! Like, right now!

Rhonda: Oh, wow, you should use that for your sales video.

Ben: Good idea! (takes notepad) Can you do another take where you mention the porcelain detectors, just like that?

Tom: Stop messing around. We have a bunch of people who need to find the nearest bathroom now! It's an emergency!

Ben: All right, Tom. (holds camera) I will help you if you say that practicality is cool.

Tom: Sure, fine.

Ben: Say it.

Tom: (sighs, sarcastically) Practicality is cool.

Ben: Okay, one more, just for backup-

(Tom takes Ben and takes him away.)

Ben: Ahp-ahp-ahp, okay!

Rhonda: Aw, so it looks like you both had something you needed from each other. Ben needed Tom to sell his idea, Tom needed Ben to come up with practical inventions that-

(Tom and Ben leave.)

Rhonda: Well, that's the problem with restaurants. (sweeps) Sometimes you're popular, and sometimes you're empty.

(Vomiting customers pound on the door.)

Rhonda: Oh, customers! Come on in, come on in!

(The customers enter and vomit in the diner. Rhonda screams.)

(Credits roll)