Roommate War/Transcript

Ginger: What's the point of an apartment warming party? Is Angela and Becca's apartment even cold?

Ben: Well, it's the first big thing they're doing together as roommates. A way of setting their living situation off to a good start.

Tom: And it's a chance to dance! I've been practicing my moves for this dance party all week.

Ginger: Hmm.

Tom: Oh, well, either way, I'm sure the girls have planned a night of fun and friendship.

Angela: What was even the point of me buying these special dance shoes if we're not even having a dance party?

Becca: I guess there wasn't one. Dance parties are terrible, stupid, and lame!

Angela: Your weird vampire parties are terrible, stupid, and lame! –

Angela and Becca: I'd tell you how ridiculous you sound but I can't because I'm never speaking to you again!

[both screaming]

[doors closes]

Tom: Huh?

Hank: Whoa. This apartment-warming just got really heated.

[intro music]

Tom: Hey, what happened last night? I thought you and Becca were getting along.

Angela: We were! Until we tried to plan that dumb party. She covered up my disco ball with ugly creep curtains, she wouldn't stop messing with my party playlist, and she even tried to get rid of my favorite lamp! We're roommates and that means we're supposed to be best friends. But how can people be friends if they can't agree on anything? [sighs] Maybe we're just too different.

Ben: It sounds like you're suffering from Roommate Syndrome. It's a relatively common psychological ailment where the stress of living together makes friends fight.

Angela: Yeah, we definitely have that syndrome! And now me and Becca will never talk again.

Tom: That's not true. This actually happens to me and Hank a lot. But we have a system so that when we get on each others' nerves, we can find the fun.

Hank: Tom, take out the trash. I have nowhere to put my chewed gum!

Tom: No, you take out the trash. I did it last month, and I have important things to do!

Hank: And watching TV isn't "important?" It's a mid-season finale!

[both grunting]

[Tom rings bell]

Hank: Ooh.

Tom and Hank: Friendship activity!

Angela: Wait. That really works?

Hank: Mm-hmm. Every time.

Tom: Wha-- Hank! We're having a private conversation here.

Hank: Ooh, fine! You, Ben, and Angela just chat it up in the common room. And I'll go hide in the dirt!

[both grunting]

[Tom rings bell]

Hank: Oh, friendship activity! Ice cream?

Tom: Yeah!

Angela: Huh! I think I get it now.

[door creaks]

Becca: [gasps]

Angela: Hello, Becca.

Becca: Angela! What do you want?

Angela: I want to show you something. Something that's gonna solve all our problems!

Becca: Oh...

Angela: We have Roommate Syndrome. So I planned a whole day of friendship, just for us!

Becca: Uh, OK. Why do I have to dress like a doll for this?

Angela: Because dressing up is the first friendship-saving fun-tivity!

Becca: This tiara is pinching my head.

Angela: Oh, well, think of it as a pinch of friendship from your world's best roommate. [chuckles]

Angela: Yay! [laughs]

Becca: [grunts]

Angela: Oh...

[Becca glugging]

Angela: Wait! Your pinky isn't up!

Becca: OK, that's enough. This was, um... interesting. But when do we do one of my things?

Angela: Wait, what? Your things?

Becca: Today is about our friendship. All we've done so far is things you want to do.

Angela: Oh. Oh, no, Becca, you're right! I'm sorry I made bonding all about me. Um, you can pick the next thing! I'll do anything you want! A shopping spree? How about scrapbooking? Ooh. How about a movie-musical marathon?

Becca: Actually, there's a blindfolded parachuting event. We can sign up for a tandem jump!

Angela: [gasps]

Becca: This is gonna be great. I'll email you the waivers to sign and we can head right over.

Angela: Waivers?

Becca: In case the jump goes wrong and we horrifically die. The usual.

Angela: [gasps]

* At the Jump”

Angela: Eh, uh, you know, it's not too late if you want to do something else. There's a tap dancing class that-

Becca: [screams] This looks craze amaze. Race you to the practice fan! Whoo! [laughing]

Angela: [screams] [shudders]

Becca: Come on, hurry up!

Angela: I'll be there in a minute! [nervous laugh]

[cell phone vibrating]

Tom: Angela! How's your friendship day with Becca going?

Angela: Um, it's sure going, Tom. We are doing all the things.

Tom: just found something I know you'll love. The spa is having a Day of Total Relaxation! You and Becca could go right now!

Angela: A Day of total Relaxation sounds amazing! [screaming] But i-- it's Becca's turn to pick the activity. And it turns out the spa isn't really her style.

[man screaming]

Tom: Well, just keep doing whatever you're doing. You can't friendship bond if you're not with your friend!

-[gasps] -[horn honking]

Angela: Wait a minute. Maybe I can, Tom. Maybe I can.

[Becca singing distantly]

Becca: I'm so glad you agreed to do this, Angela. This is an extreme gesture of friendship!

Angela: It sure is, Becca! And I am definitely right there with you. Uh, hey, have we jumped yet?

Becca: What? No. Obviously.

Angela: Oh, uh, right! Heh-heh. Obvs. I mean I'm just so excited. I feel like I'm already falling out of the sky. And then floating. And then landing. Because that's how parachuting, which I am, uh, about to do works.

Becca: You ready for this, best friend?

Angela: Woo! [laughs] Yay!

Becca: Then let's get falling!

[humming, Becca drops Angela]

Becca: Angela? [gasps] No! No, no, no! I'm so sorry! How could I have let this happen to you? [gasps] There's your leg. Your little leg! I should never have agreed to this day! Maybe we'd never hang out, but at least we'd both have our heads! Angela, please forgive me!

Angela on phone: Uh, sure. What? I forgive you. What did you do?

Becca: Wait. You're not even here!

Angela: No! I am so here. Whoo! We're jumping!

Becca: [grunts] Why'd you even agree to do this if you were just going to ditch me?

Angela: Oh, Becca, wait-

Becca: By the time you get home I'll be moved out! Our friendship and roommate-ship is over!

[line disconnects]

Angela: Oh, no.

Male Spa Member: Does this mean you'll be sticking around? Because we have some cheese-covered strawberries that you just have to try. They're very different tastes, but they work together.

Angela: They're different but they work together. I've got to go! I have a roommate-lationship to save! Bye!

Male Spa Member: Um...

[Becca grunting]

Becca: Angela, if you're here, I'm back to not talking to you. But I will let the apartment know that I'm leaving forever. Goodb-- wha--bye?

Angela: Welcome to our disco vampire den!

Becca: Angela, what is all of this?

Angela: This is us! Look, I don't like some of your stuff. And you don't like some of my stuff. But we both like being friends. We're like strawberries and cheese!

Becca: Two very different tastes that go well together. OK. But you still shouldn't have ditched me earlier!

Angela: I know. And I'm so sorry. Please don't move out, Becca.

Becca: Pfft. I could never move out of a place with such killer decorations! And since the place looks so great, maybe we could have a party to show it off?

Angela: An apartment-warming party do-over!

[party music playing] [indistinct chatter]

Ginger: Yay!

[grunting]

Angela: We did it!

Becca: Yay!

[outro music]