Magnetic Ben/Transcript

[The episode begins outside the garage with hank explaining the horseshoe competion]

Hank: The Kentossy Derby, it’s more than a horseshoe tournament. It’s neighbors dueling in the sand pit on hot summer days. It’s a competition with stakes as high as the temperature on the sizzling grill. It’s a winner-take-all battle for the rights to operate the neighborhood vending machine. But this year a new team is poised to win the Cup. With Ben’s secret throwing equation and Tom’s natural throwing skills, The team has pitched their way to the finals and now stand ready to dethrone the reigning champs. It’s Ginger and the Gardener versus Tom and Ben!

Ben: According to my calculations, we can’t be beat.

Tom: The Kentossy Derby Finals. Tomorrow. My yard.

(Cuts To Theme Song)

Angela: Wow! Did Ben really come up with a math equation to win at horseshoes?

Ben: No big deal... just a matter of figuring out the exact calculations for air resistance, gravity, and velocity... Once you have that, it’s easy to pitch it the perfect distance.

Ben: (to the viewers) Actually, it is a big deal. To develop my Horseshoe Equation I had to solve a problem posed by Sir Isaac Newton that no one could figure out for over three hundred years.

Tom: Whatever, the important thing is you’re finally using your brains for something useful! Defeating Ginger on horseshoes! Why you leaving me hanging, Ben?

Ben: Well, it looks like news of my Horseshoe Equation is out... The Professors at the University of Science and Technology have invited me to help them conduct an experiment.

Hank: Wow Congratulations!

Angela: Hey that's awesome

Ben: There’s just one problem: It’s at the same time as the finals of the Horseshoe tournament.

Tom: Well, I’m sure there will be other university experiments.

Ben: Wait, you want me to turn down this opportunity so I can play horseshoes?

Tom: Uh... kinda. Is that wrong?

Ben: This is a chance for me to build a name for myself. To be recognized as a great thinker by other great minds.

Tom: Who cares about these university type things? You don’t belong there anyway. You’re one of us.

Ben: Sorry, Tom. When the University calls, the scholar answers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must find my lab coat, I feel so naked,

Ginger: Tough break... you losing your partner and all.

The Gardener: Looks likes we will win again. And these electrolyte-filled drinks will remain in our control another year. Cheeers!

Flo: Thank you for coming in and helping us with this experiment. We couldn’t do this work without brave folks like you.

Ben: Well, with all the gifts I’ve been given, the least I can do is give something back to science. Oh! Is that my desk? So, tell me about the work we’re doing here.

Flo: Okay, in this lab we study something called electromagnetic fields.

Mel: Or EMF.

Flo: Ben, can you say EMF?

Ben: You’re talking to a guy who just solved Newton’s three hundred year-old Horseshoe Equation. So, yeah, I think I know what EMFs are.

Mel: Very good, since you seem so smart, I guess we can go into a little more detail about what we’re doing here. But we’ll have to tell you from the other room, if that’s okay?

Ben: No problem. My own office! In a real research lab! Ben, you’re finally where you belong.

Mel: Okay, Ben. Here’s what we do in this laboratory: Our previous experiments have shown that exposure to electromagnetic fields created by wifi and cell phones is completely harmless.

Ben: Uh, that’s not exactly true. It really depends on the strength of the signal and --

Flo: Shh! Completely harmless!

Mel: So, since those EMFs are completely harmless, what about exposure to really, really, really strong EMFs? Wouldn’t it be cool to see what they do to people?

Ben: I know I’m the new guy here, but that’s not really how science works, is it?

Flo: Sure it is.

Ben: Hey, what are those for?

Mel: We’re blasting you with electromagnetic energy.

Ben: What kind?

Flo: Oh All kinds!

Ben: Is this how you treat all of your guest scientists?

Mel: Guest scientists?

Flo: You don’t even have a University degree! You’re a test subject! What on earth made you think you were a guest scientist?

Ben: Uh, this letter you sent to me?

Mel: We sent that letter out to everyone.

Tom: Now, the trick is to throw it straight and get it as close to the stake as you can. Now you try.

Hank: Okay.

Tom: Ben! You’re home! This is great!

Hank: How was the experiment?

Ben: Great! They said they couldn’t do it without me.

Tom: Then what are you doing home already -- oh, who cares? The important thing is you’re here! Just in time to win the Kentossy Derby!

Ben: I’m not playing horseshoes.

Tom: Why not? You seem angry. They didn’t fire you, did they?

Ben: Of course not! My colleagues at the lab have asked me to do some home research.

Tom: Ever since you went away to college, you’ve changed man!

Ben: Changed... You can say that again. Ouch! Blasting me with electromagnetic radiation like I’m some kind of test subject. What’s that supposed to even do?!

Angela: Where are my keys? Ben?

Ben: Would you mind closing the garage door?

Angela: Uh, that’s not good. Ben?! You found my keys! I mean, are you okay?

Ben: Yes -- no! I need you to reverse my polarity!

Angela: Ew That's disgusting.

Ben: I’m a magnet! Look, it’s simple, just get some copper wire and some cobalt -- no, make that nickel! Actually get any rare earth metal you can find! Then coil the wire --

Angela: Or I could just do this. Shut up and stop fighting!

Ben: I’m not!

Angela: I’ll go get Tom.

Ben: No! Do not tell Tom about this!

Tom: Don’t tell me about what?

Angela: Yeah Ben’s a magnet.

Tom: A Magnet? Did the University do this to you?

Ben: No! I don’t want to talk about it.

Ginger: Hey, losers! First pitch is in five minutes.

The Gardener: It’s time to come out and accept your inevitable defeat.

Ginger: Accept it.

Ben: Go out and play, Tom. Maybe you can beat them without me.

Tom: I don’t want to beat them without you. We’re a team. And I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive of your science thing...

Ben: No, you were right. I don’t belong at that university.

Tom: You’re the smartest guy I know, you belong wherever you want.

Ben: Yes, I’m very, very intelligent. But they treated me like some sort of animal to do tests on.

Tom: Who cares what they think? They’re the lab animals, working in some boring lab, being told what to do. But you followed your heart instead of your head, and you’re better off for it.

Ben: I do have the freedom that they’ll never have.

Tom: Definitely.

Ben: And I’ll never have to blast anyone with electromagnetic energy.

Tom: We’re already bathing in it all day!

Angela: Now how do we get you unstuck?

Ben: I don’t know. The more I struggle, the stronger the magnetic pull gets. And the more I relax the weaker it gets.

Angela: Okay, then you just have to relax. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Ben: Yes! Relax... I’ll try that... It’s not working!

Tom: You’re relaxing too hard.

Hank: Try unclenching your butt cheeks. Ben, when you’re really tense you walk like this:

Ben: I don’t walk like that, do I?

Hank: So maybe if you relax the biggest muscles you have, your whole body will relax.

Ben: That makes no sense, Hank.

Angela: Just do it, Ben.

Ben: Okay! Hey, you’re right! The more I relax, the less magnetic I get. And the more I clench, the more magnetic I get.

Tom: Ben, if you learn to control your magnetic powers you can be a superhero!

Ben: Yes!

Ginger: Hey, loooooosers, come out and looooose!

Tom: Or at least win the Kentossy Derby.

Ben: Yeah, let’s start with that.

Ginger: Haha Losers.

Ben: Prepare to feel the magnetic powers of- Horseshoe...

Hank: Ben’s control over his anger and his magnetic powers was short lived... So the Derby Cup, and the rights to the neighborhood vending machine remained in the hands of the current champions. And Ben was revived and demagnetized by the electrolytes in his favorite sports drink. With the certainty of gravity pulling a swirling metal shoe back to earth, you can count on Ben and Tom to return next year, ready to battle for the right to be called: Kentossy Derby Champions!

(Episode Ends)