The Contest/Transcript

Safe Driving
(The episode begins with the friends playing a new game on their television.)

Hank: Lady and gentlemen! Prepare yourselves for... the greatest video game the world has ever known: Safe Driving 2: No Right Turn on Red!

Ginger: You're all going down!

Tom: No chance, tiny pants!

Ben: I'm gonna use turn signals and hand signals, just to be safe.

Angela: If someone cuts me off in traffic, I am going to stay calm and give them the benefit of the doubt! Maybe it's an emergency.

Hank: Buckle up and start your engines!

(The game starts. A starting countdown begins onscreen.)

Hank: The race begins in 3... 2... 1....

(The garage lights, as well as the game, abruptly stop working.)

Ben: Huh?

All: Oh, no! Come on!

Hank: Huh, why's it all dark when my eyes aren't closed?

Ginger: This is a new experience for me and I don't like it!

Tom: Alright, nobody panic. (starts panicking) Ben, what is going on?!

Ben: Hm, judging from the sudden loss of power, I'd say the power went out.

Angela: Everybody panic!

(All scream except Ben.)

Tom: Wait! We plugged in our phones and our computers hours ago. We could use those to entertain ourselves until the power comes back on.

(Ben turns on a flashlight and picks up his phone.)

Ben: (gasps) They're all dead!

Ginger: No!

Tom: What?!

Hank: Ben, what's the status of my lava lamp?

Ben: Also dead.

Hank: Aww!

Ben: And all because someone thought that their lava lamp was more important?!

Hank: (sighs) It would have been sooo groovy.

(Theme song plays)

A Full Mailbox
(Scene cuts to the driveway during the day. The friends are using their phones.)

Ginger: Can you believe how boring things were after the power went out last night?

Ben: Seriously, that was the longest 27 minutes of my life.

Hank: I actually had a chance to think and I did not like it.

Tom: You're all just lucky I was able to keep my cool. Without your precious phones, you were all like, "Oh noooo, what am I gonna doooo?" (chuckles)

Ben: Tom, that was you!

Angela: Yeah, that's literally, like, all you said until the power came back on.

Tom: The point is, last night showed that we've become too dependent on technology. Like, when's the last time someone actually checked our mailbox?

(The mailman whistles as he walks to the mailbox.)

Hank: Oh, I checked it right before my birthday and right after my birthday.

Angela: Yeah, I don't live here.

Ben: I get all my mail online.

Tom: Really? Well, then, who is all that for?

(The mailman struggles to push a letter into the mailbox. It is completely full.)

(transition)

(Tom walks closer to the mailbox.)

Tom: Okay, no sudden movement, everybody stand back. I am approaching the mailbox.

(Tom pulls on one letter sticking out of the mailbox. Tom eventually pulls it out, and the mailbox bursts open.)

Tom: This is all junk mail!

Ben: It's not all junk. (takes a letter) Here's a letter addressed to Tom and Ben Enterprises from Unpopular Science Magazine?!

Angela, Hank and Ginger: Whoa! What is it?

Tom: That's been the most popular tech magazine since people read magazines. (opens letter) Let me see... "Dear entrepreneur, we..." blah, blah, blah, blah... "so therefore, Unpopular Science would like to honor your contributions to the tech world by inviting you to visit our headquarters on Floppy Disc Island!"

(The friends cheer.)

Tom: Wait, oh no.

Ben: Huh?

Tom: (holds up ticket) They only sent one ticket.

(Scene cuts to the garage. The friends view images of Floppy Disk Island on their computer. Images of a tropical island are shown. The friends are amazed.)

Angela: I don't want to tell you how to run your business, but I think you should send some sort of a celebrity to represent you?

Ginger: Or someone young and cool!

Tom: No way, I'm the face of the company!

Ben: Yeah? Well, I'm the brains.

Hank: Ooh, I have a face and a brain!

Ben: So, what are we gonna do?

Tom: What if... we all make a bet?

Hank: I made my bed this morning! I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win!

Tom: Not a bed, Hank. A bet!

Angela: Ooh, what kind of bet?

Tom: Based on how we acted last night during the blackout, it seems safe to say we're all addicted to technology, right?

Ginger: Uh-huh.

Hank: (on phone) Not me! Ooh, high score!

Angela: I'm sorry, what? I was texting.

Tom: So I propose the following contest: whoever can go the longest without using any cellphone or computer or TV of any kind will win the ticket to Floppy Disk Island.

Hank: Whoop, I'm in.

Angela: Me too.

Ginger: Then I'm in too, because you have to include me or it's not fair.

Ben: (cracks knuckles) Prepare to feel the sting of a calculated competitive routing!

(Tom gives Ben a confused look.)

Ben: Tah, that means I'm in too.

(Scene cuts to the living room. Tom unzips a backpack.)

Tom: Alright, cough 'em up.

Ben: (places devices in backpack) I know, I know.

Tom: Come on, all of 'em.

Ben: Fine! (places another device inside)

Tom: Is that it?

Ben: Yes!

(Tom takes Ben's cellphone that he had been hiding on his person.)

Ben: Aw.

Tom: (zips backpack) Let the contest begin!

(Scene cuts to the bathroom. Tom places the backpack on the toilet.)

Ben: Well, one thing's for sure. If I want to win, I need to stay away from this place as much as possible.

Hank: Yeah, let's get out of here. Too much temptation.

Ginger: Oh, Hank!

Hank: Huh?

Ginger: Isn't today the season premiere of Crime and Punishment: DMV?

Hank: Ooh, yeah, that's right! (runs to couch)

Ben: What?!

Hank: I'm out!

(Hank is eliminated from the contest.)

Ben: Hank, just like that, you're out?

Hank: Yeah! The season finale was a cliffhanger where Hillbilly Jack got busted cutting in line. I think he was framed, but I won't know for sure until I watch it!

Tom: Poor Hank. Some people just can't live without technology.

(Scene cuts to the diner. The friends, except Hank, are seated in the booth.)

Ben: (sighs) I can't believe it's only been 17 minutes without technology! How would I know? How long has it been?! I don't have my smartwatch!

Angela: I miss music. I miss making it, and listening to it, and dancing to it like no one's watching...

Ginger: I miss online candy shopping, and the free instant delivery...

Angela: Tom! Tom!

Tom: Hmm... yeah, what's going on?

Angela: How are you holding up?

Tom: Huh? Oh, the contest. Yeah, I'm fine.

(Scene cuts to the front lawn. Ben and Ginger are there.)

Ben: (in hysterics) I'm okay! I can do this! People survived for thousands of years without electronics.

Ginger: How? What did they do?

Ben: Um... they farmed! We can farm! Farm with me, Ginger, farm with me! (digs soil)

Ginger: (starts digging) Okay, like this?

Ben: (takes hose and turns it on) Ha, we're doing it! We're farming!

Ginger: Yes, I can hear it growing!

Ben: Now we must dance, young Ginger! Dance so the rain will come and water our crops!

(Ben and Ginger start dancing. Tom sees them and sighs.)

(Scene cuts to the kitchen. Angela is watching something, acting strange.)

Tom: Hey, Angela- whoa, are you okay?

Angela: Shh, listen!

(In Angela's perspective, a fly is singing.)

Fly: (sings) Bah, bah, bah!

Angela: Can you hear that? Oh, it's so beautiful!

Tom: Uh...

(Angela follows the fly and makes buzzing sounds.)

Tom: Uh, don't you think it's time that you quit the contest?

Angela: Zip it, Tom! Aw, you made him fly away! (chases it) Come back, sweet maker of music!

(Tom sighs.)

(Scene cuts to the kitchen. The friends sit at the table, miserable. Hank walks by holding a tablet.)

Hank: Huh, hey, Ginger! It says here the online candy store is having a two-for-one sale! Free instant delivery of every candy imaginable: Chocolate Crusties, Never-Ending Nom-Noms, Jelly Jim-Jams, Clyde's Original Rock Candies...

Ginger: (gasps) Even Gummy Goobers?!

Hank: Uh-huh. Extra sour.

(Ginger takes the tablet, eliminating him from the competition.)

Hank: Hey, give that back!

Tom: Poor kid, doesn't know what to do without technology.

(Ben clears his throat.)

Tom: Me? I'm just enjoying the day. (whistles and leaves)

(Scene cuts to the living room.)

Tom: Oh, Angela, have you heard that new #1 hit song? I think it's called something like Dance, Dance, Don't Stop Dancing.

Angela: Ha, nice try, guys.

Ben: No, I heard it too!

Angela: Really?

Ben: No- not that I listen to that type of music, but just go to any website on the entire internet and it'll probably just start playing!

Angela: Are you kidding?

Tom and Ben: (sings) Dance, dance, don't stop dancing,

Angela: Oh...

Tom: (continues) Dance, dance, don't you dare stop dancing,

Ben: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do, Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do,

Tom: Stop!

Angela: Uh, um, excuse me, I'm just gonna go, um, uh... powder my nose. Be right back!

(Angela runs into the bathroom. Tom chuckles.)

(Angela exits the bathroom with her music player.)

Angela: And... I'm out!

(Angela is eliminated from the contest.)

Angela: (dances) Totally worth it.

Tom: (laughs) Yes! Too easy.

Ben: Looks like it's just you and me now... partner.

Tom: Yeah, partner. (spits)

(Tom and Ben stare at each other for a period of time.)

Angela: What is he doing?

Hank: He's winning this contest, that's what he's doing! Get him, Tom! That's what I'm talking about!

(A ping is heard.)

Ginger: What is that?

Ben: That... was... my phone. It must have an update available, and it sends a... notification. I don't care.

(Another ping is heard.)

Ben: That was my computer! It must also have an update available. Good... no big deal...

(A ding is heard.)

Ben: Wait, what was that?

Hank: That was the microwave. And that's a burrito microwave for my mouth!

Ben: Ahhh, I can't take this anymore! Must... update... everything!

(Ben goes to the computer.)

Ben: My dear sweet technology! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I'll never leave you again, I promise!

(Ben is eliminated from the contest.)

Angela: Congrats, Tom. I guess when it comes to surviving without technology, you are the strongest. Tom?

(Tom is paying attention to something else. He expresses anticipation.)

Tom: (gasps) He shoots... it's up... it's good! (cheers) I mean... whaaat? Hey, where'd Ben go? Oh, hey, I won! (takes ticket) Yippee!

Angela: Wait a second.

(Angela takes an earbud from Tom's ear, revealing that he had been listening to something.)

Tom: Hey, I was listening to that! I mean, hey, what is that?

Angela: You've been listening to a basketball game this whole time?!

Ben: He what?! (runs over)

Tom: I ca- wha-

Ben: You cheated, which means I won! (takes ticket) Floppy Disk Island, here I come!

Tom: But-

Ben: Now, excuse me while I pack! (packs items) Let's see... laptop, check. Tablet, check. Cellphone, check. Backup cellphone, check. Yes! (goes to door) Bye, bye, friends... and cheater! I'm off to celebrate my victory at Floppy Disk Island!

Hank: (holds letter) Uh, hey, Ben-

Ben: Later! (leaves)

Hank: But the letter says, "Be sure to bring the following: candles, a hammock, a wooden club, flint and steel." Uh, oh, I think Ben forgot some important things.

Angela: Like what? (takes letter) "Unpopular Science Magazine invites you to the No Technology Party?! Join us in remembering the past with no electronics?" Tom, how could you not mention that?!

Tom: Well, I... I, I kinda skimmed parts of it. It's a very long letter.

(Scene cuts to Floppy Disk Island. Ben, in caveman attire, is crying at the gate.)

Ben: (sobs) I want to go home! (sobs)

(Credits roll)