Basketball Hero/Transcript

(Ginger, Darren and Ronnie are playing in a basketball game.)

Ginger: I'm open! I'm open!

(The crowd cheers.)

Tom: Alright, come on, Ginger! Come on, woo!

(Ginger's team is clearly struggling.)

Tom: We haven't won a Tiny League basketball team in years, but I think we're going to win this one.

Ben: I don't know, Tom, I'm no bucketball crackerjack, but I'm pretty sure we're still down by one point.

Tom: Yeah, but look! Ginger's about to fire up a game-winning shot!

(Ginger is keeping the ball away from an opponent)

Angela: You got this! I can feel it!

Ginger: Yeah!

(Ginger shoots the ball.)

(The ball misses.)

(The crowd groans.)

(The klaxon blasts, ending the game. Ginger's team has lost.)

Tom: Owww, I felt that.

Ginger: The ball cheated! It's not faaaair!

(theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to Ginger entering the garage. The friends do not notice him entering.)

Angela: No one talk about the game in front of Ginger. We don't want to remind him that his team would've won if he hadn't thrown the ball like a doofus!

(Angela notices Ginger.)

Angela: (nervously) But, uh, enough about my other friend, Ginger, named Ginger. Look, it's our Ginger!

Ginger: Aw, save it, I know I stink.

Ben: Ginger, don't be so hard on yourself. Your whole team stinks.

Ginger: (falls) Ow, I know. And next week's game will be even worse. We're playing our rivals, those jerk-faced jerks, the Johnsonville Jesters.

Tom: Oh, I cannot stand those jerks! They are just so jerky!

Ginger: The jerkiest! Beating them is gonna take a miracle.

(Hank appears.)

Hank: (holding a coconut) Oh, ho, ho, great news! The grocery store is giving away half-price coconuts!

(Hank bounces the coconut like a basketball before tossing it. It lands perfectly on the water cooler.)

Hank: Aw man!

Ben: Holy hook shot!

Ginger: Hank, that was incredible! (gets idea) (gasps) You're the miracle my team needs! You have to play for us!

Tom: Hold on, alright, I don't think Hank can join a third-grade basketball team. That can't be allowed. He's an adult.

Ben: Actually, there's no rule against it. (takes out rulebook) According to Section L of the school handbook, anyone can play on the third-grade team, as long as they're in the third grade.

Hank: Wait, what's going on here?

Ginger: (begs) Please, Hank. Go back to third grade so you can help us win a basketball game. We need this!

Hank: Well, it's been a while since I've alleyed an oop. Gone coast to coast. Crashed the boards with some triple-doubles. That's basketball for yes!

(The friends cheer.)

(Montage of Hank.)

(Hank enters the school and is admired by the girls.)

(At basketball practice, Hank shoots a ball into the basket.)

Ronnie: Whoa! So that's what it looks like when it goes in the hole!

Ginger: Didn't I tell ya? Hank is the best!

Darren: Fantastic! Not only does our team finally have a ringer, but now, I don't have to play! (throws ball) Laaaa!

(Hank is talking to girls in the hallway.)

Hank: And so I said, "Johnsonville Jesters? You should call your team the Johnsonville Jerks!

(The girls laugh.)

(The principal appears.)

Principal: Hank! Did I hear someone calling someone a jerk out here?

Hank: Sorry, sir, I was just talking about Johnsonville.

Principal: Oh, you mean Jerksonville! (laughs) Star player.

(Concludes montage.)

(Hank is in class.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Did you hear me? I asked what you're left with if you subtract 3 from 7.

Hank: I believe the answer is nothing- nothing but net! Woo! (throws crumpled paper)

(The paper lands into the fishtank.)

(The class cheers.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Quiet! Hank, you may be a hotshot hoopster, but you're about to flunk my class!

Hank: Sorry, Ms. V. It's just that I don't really care about that stuff. I'm here to ball.

Ms. Vanthrax: Yes, I can see that from your answers on your homework. (picks up blank paper) Unfortunately for you, the school rules say that if you fail a class, (crumples paper) you can't play on a sports team! So study up, or get out! (throws paper into fishtank)