Corn Heads/Transcript

Act I
(Scene shows the garage at night. The friends are in the living room.)

Hank: (clears throat) As President of Movie Night, I want to welcome you to a perfect evening of entertainment and wonder.

Tom: (laughs) All right!

Ginger: I can't believe no one voted for me to be President of Movie Night.

Tom: Come on, picking Hank was a no-brainer. He's a master of movies. He'll get every little detail right.

Hank: Yup, I got every little detail right! We'll start at eight o'clock sharp, (points to clock) the best time for movie viewing. (dials light) I've lowered the lights to 37%, the perfect dimness for optimal screen focus. (holds popcorn jar) And, for the ultimate movie snack, we have... (opens jar)

(The jar is empty.)

Hank: (gasps) Oh, no, no, no, I'm a failure!

Angela: Wait, is something wrong?

(Hank pours out the one kernel of popcorn in the jar onto the table.)

Hank: Aw! We're out of popcorn. Movie Night is ruined. No! (runs out)

Ginger: Ha! Now, I get to be president of- aw, man! He took the remote! Oh.

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to the next morning. Hank is in the driveway, tilling soil with a hoe.)

Angela: Whoa! Who's this hardworking farmer and what did you do with Hank?

Hank: Angela, the tragic events of last night really opened my eyes. If we can run out of popcorn once, we can run out of popcorn again. So, I'm growing my own corn. (kneels down)

(In the ground is a corn sprout.)

Angela: Oh! That will be so nice to have at Movie Night- in a few months.

Hank: A few months? No way! These things will be fully-grown by tomorrow.

Angela: But that's not how farming works. Unless you're planning to-

(Ben enters with a spray bottle.)

Ben: I found it! If you need instant super-growing results, nothing like my experimental fertilizer, SuperGrow.

Hank: Great! Science me up, Ben!

Angela: No! Put that away! Plants should only be grown with natural things, like sun and dirt and smiles. Like this!

(Angela kneels at the plant and smiles at it.)

Ben: That's not doing anything.

Angela: Wait for it! (smiles wider)

Ben: Hank, use the SuperGrow.

Angela: No! If you mess with nature, there could be terrible consequences!

Hank: Hm. All right, Angela, you win. I want my popcorn to be natural. And, you were louder.

(Ben groans.)

Angela: You're making the right decision. (starts leaving)

Hank: So, I'll just wait here, then... nice and patient. No need to rush to...

(Angela waves and goes inside, closing the door.)

Hank: Aw, I can't take the waiting anymore! Gimme that SuperGrow! (takes bottle, sprays plant) Now, now, now!

(The crop begins growing rapidly.)

Hank: Wow.

(Ben and Hank become scared as the corn becomes taller than them.)

Act II
(Scene cuts to Angela walking by the garage.)

Angela: (gasps) Wha-

(Angela finds the front lawn completely covered in corn crops.)

Angela: Hank, did you use the SuperGrow?

(Hank is wearing a straw hat and holding a cob of corn.)

Hank: Now, don't you worry or mind about that, friend. Just sit for a spell and let ol' Farmer Hank fetch ya a treat. (holds up corn)

Angela: Ugh, get that away from me! Science is for phones and spaceships, not food!

Hank: Now, now, that there ain't bad corn, it's good corn!

Angela: And stop talking like a farmer! Ew!

(Hank eats the cob of corn hungrily.)

Angela: (backs away nervously) Uh...

Hank: Mm! That corn is goooood corn.

Angela: (enters garage) Ben, I told you not to let Hank use the- (gasps)

(The inside of the garage is covered with corn crops.)

Angela: What is all this?

(Ben enters, wearing a straw hat and holding a hoe.)

Ben: Why, this is a-farmin'! We're plantin' a whole passel of this here corn, see? (eats corn cob) Such good corn it is.

Angela: (backs away) Uh...

Ginger: Good day, Miss Angela! We sure would be honored if you'd sample some of our vittles. Our vittles are corn.

(Angela screams as she bumps into Tom.)

Angela: Oh, Tom! Thank goodness it's you.

Tom: Heh, of course it's me! Are you okay?

Angela: I'm fine, but something's wrong with Hank, Ben, and Ginger. And there's corn all over the place!

Tom: Oh, that. Yeah, I can explain. Follow me. (walks)

Angela: Oh, that's a relief. (follows Tom up stairs) (sighs in relief) I was worried something terrible was going on.

Tom: Well, you'll never have to worry again, Angela, because what's going on is actually... (puts on straw hat) ...wonderful.

(Thunderclaps are heard. A corn monster appears. Angela screams.)

Tom: This here's the Mother Cob. Ain't she a beaut?

Angela: Oh, no, you're one of them.

Tom: Join us, Angela. All it takes is eatin' just a little bit o' corn. (holds cob)

Angela: (backs away) No!

Tom: (moans) Corn.

Angela: No, Tom!

(The Mother Cob climbs on Tom's shoulder.)

Tom: (moans) Corn!

(Angela falls down the stairs, landing safely.)

Angela: Nooo! (tries to run away)

(Hank appears.)

Hank: (moans) Corn... corn...

(Angela runs.)

Ben: (appears) Corn, corn, corn.

(Angela arms herself with a hoe. Hank, Ben and Ginger approach her.)

Hank, Ben, Ginger: Corn. Corn. Corn.

Angela: Oh, no.

(Tom watches from the balcony. The Mother Cob screeches.)

(Angela reaches the exit and runs away.)

(Scene cuts to Angela's apartment at night. Angela calls Xenon.)

Angela: They were all brainwashed. I barely got out of there, Xenon.

Xenon: Eugh, sounds like you're describing "corn control." It can happen when people eat plants grown with artificial chemicals. You didn't happen to get a sample of Ben's formula, did you?

Angela: No, I was too busy being chased around by a giant monster corn that Tom called the Mother Cob.

Xenon: That's it! That could be the source of the mind corn-trol.

Angela: What?

Xenon: You have to go back and find a way to destroy that cob!

Angela: I'll have to make them think I'm one of them. Ooh, this is gonna take all of my acting skills. (in British accent) Fortunately, I was in a play once!

Act III
(Scene cuts to the garage. Angela is wearing a straw hat.)

(Angela takes a deep breath before opening the doors and entering.)

(Ben, Hank and Ginger walk to the kitchen, where Tom is stirring a pot.)

Tom: This caramel would make some good caramel... coooorn.

Ben, Hank, Ginger: (chants) Corn. Corn. Corn.

Angela: Uh, howdy!

(The friends see Angela.)

Ginger: Huh?

Angela: I felt so guilty, I came back and ate a bunch of corn.

Ben: Hmm... hm.

Angela: Now, I'm just like you. (moans) Coooorn.

Tom: Welcome to the corn stalk.

Ben, Angela, Ginger: Corn. Corn. Corn.

(Tom leads Angela to the pot.)

Angela: So, uh, what are we doing with the big heat lamps?

Ben: We're a-makin' caramel popcorn for the town movie theater, see?

Angela: (gasps) But that's the tastiest movie treat! Everyone in town will eat it and controlled by the corn!

(Ben and Hank stare at Angela.)

Angela: Uh... w-whi-which is good. (laughs nervously) Corn!

Tom: Yes, corn sister.

(All start circling Angela.)

Tom: And after that, we'll control everyone... everywhere.

All: Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn.

(Scene cuts to night. The friends are sleeping. Angela gets up.)

(Angela pulls out the phone she had been hiding in her hat.)

Xenon (on phone): Are they finally asleep? I was getting tired of staring at the inside of your hat.

(Angela sneaks, but Hank grabs her foot.)

(Hank lets go.)

Hank: (snores) Corn...

Angela: Yeah, now, we have to stop this before it corns up the whole world! (goes upstairs)