Untalking Tom/Transcript

(Scene shows the garage. Tom and Ben are at their desk.)

Tom: This is our year! We're going to kill it at the, uh, the big contest thing.

Ben: "The big contest thing?" I think you mean the "So You Think You Can App" app design contest.

Tom: Yes, that's the one.

(Scene cuts to Ben on the couch talking to the viewers.)

Ben: Yeah, the winner of this contest gets a key to the famous Silicon Campus and use of the best computers in the world. And a gigantic check! It's definitely the most important event of our career! (record scratch) And it's in a few hours. It would be good if Tom was... you know, prepared.

(Scene cuts back.)

Tom: Okay, so, here's the plan: when they introduce me first, (acts out introduction) I'm gonna run across the stage with my hand to my ear like, “I can’t hear you!” Then, I’ll chicken-walk to the side of the stage... but, I’ll go too far, see? Then, when the audience is like, “Where is Talking Tom going?" I’ll spin around and moonwalk right back to center stage!

Ben: (scoffs) The only way we’re going to “kill it,” which I take to mean “win the contest,” is if you make it sound like you actually understand the features of the app you’ll be talking about.

Tom: (takes phone) Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Ben: Tom, give that back!

Tom: Save the nerd-speak for Terms and Conditions that nobody reads, okay? (to viewers) Do you worry about a phone thief getting all of your private information? Well, your worries are over, thanks to our new Shockingly Secure Anti-theft App!

Ben: Wait, Tom, don’t turn it on!

Tom: Here’s how it works.

(Tom presses the phone only to be electrocuted. He collapses.)

Ben: Tom, are you okay?

Tom: (in raspy voice) Ow, wow.

Ben: Your voice! What’s wrong with your voice?

Tom: This app is…

Ben: ...shockingly effective.

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to Tom consulting a doctor online.)

Internet Doctor: Welcome to Doctor Internet! This is the internet; we could be anywhere! Don’t try to find us. Please state your name and what’s wrong.

Tom: Um, oh, uh, my name is Talking Tom, and, uh, Ben tasered my neck area.

Ben: Gah! What?! This is your fault, Tom, not mine!

Angela: Ben, settle down. Let the Internet Doctor work.

Internet Doctor: Well then, open wide and let’s take a look. (holds up laser light)

Tom: (opens mouth wide) Aaaaah...

Internet Doctor: Pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew, pew! Uh, now, please hold while I make a diagnosis.

(The doctor looks up images online, pretending to make a diagnosis.)

Internet Doctor: In my ten years as an online doctor and four years of online medical school, I have never seen vocal cords this inflamed!

Angela: Okay, well, what can we do to help him get better?

Internet Doctor: I’m afraid there’s not much you can do. He’ll just have to stop talking for a week and let his vocal cords get better.

Tom: Stop talking?!

Ben: He can’t! Today is the “So You Think You Can App” app contest!

Internet Doctor: That’s big time! I hear the winner of that gets a gigantic check!

Ben: And a key to Silicon Campus!

Tom: Can't I talk today, and then just not talk tomorrow? (coughs)

Angela: Aww.

Internet Doctor: You could, but if you do, you risk damaging your voice so badly that... you may never talk again!

(The friends look shocked.)

Internet Doctor: (imitates beeps) Welp, oh, uh, what’s that, nurse? (imitates nurse) Oh, time for my emergency, uh, medical surgery thingy. Uh, got to go. Boop! Surgery elevator going down to the surgery floor! (imitates whoosh, ends call)

Hank: Wow. He has his own surgery elevator.

Tom: This was our year.

Angela: (covers Tom's mouth) Uh-uh-uh! Don’t talk.

Hank: The doctor said don’t talk or you could lose your voice forever.

Tom: But I’m Talking Tom. I can’t not talk!

Angela: Have you ever tried? It’s just a week of no talking. You can do it. Just drop out of the competition. You’ll get ‘em next year.

Ben: Next year?! Do you really think I’m gonna drop out of the “So You Think You Can App” app contest, the biggest app contest of our careers?!

Angela: Yeah, you kinda have to. I mean, you did electrocute your partner.

Ben: Ahem, he electrocuted himself! (to Tom) You listen up for once, "Talking Tom!" You told me something today, and you said it without words. Do you know what you said? You said, " Ben, you can’t really rely on me because I don’t listen. "

Tom: Uh...

Ben: I ' m not finished! You know what else you said without saying a word?! You said, " Ben, I don’t take our business seriously, so you better learn how to do this alone! "

(Tom tries to speak, but Angela covers his mouth so only mumbles are heard.)

Ben: What?! Did you just mumble, " Ben, if you do the competition without me, you’ll ruin our company because you’re a terrible public speaker?! "

(Tom mumbles.)

Ben: Well, since you can’t talk and I can, I’d say right now I’m a better public speaker than you are! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a presentation to give. Alone! By myself! (chicken walks away)

(Scene cuts to the kitchen. Angela prepares a soup.)

Angela: (whiffs soup) Mm!

Hank: (shouts) Don’t worry, Tom! Angela is making something that will fix your voice, okay?! Do you understand what I’m saying right now?

Angela: He lost his voice, Hank, not his hearing. (takes bowl of soup)

Hank: Oh. (shouts) Tom, since you can hear me, I’m going to stop yelling at you, okaaay? (sits down)

Angela: My grandmother was a great healer. She had a home remedy that could cure anything. Try this.

(Tom drinks the soup, but screams from the hot soup.)

(A confessional is shown of Angela in the kitchen.)

Angela: You know what? It was my aunt who had all the home remedies. My grandmother was a chili pepper farmer, and had a restaurant that served, uh... chili peppers mostly.

(Scene cuts to Tom and Hank playing video games.)

Ginger: Hey, neighbor! You don’t mind if I borrow a few things, do you? (takes consoles) Just say no if you don’t want me to have it!

Tom: Well...

Ginger: Okay, thanks, bye!

(Scene cuts to the auditorium, where the contest is being hosted. The CEO appears onstage.)

CEO: (to crowd) Welcome to the third annual “So You Think You Can App” app contest! Our data shows that there is no better way to nurture creativity in young minds than through competition and humiliation. And that’s the reason we’re here... for the competition. And the humiliation.

(Ben looks uncomfortable.)

CEO: And to award one lucky team of app developers this key to my world-famous Silicon Campus!

(Ben looks at the key in marvel.)

CEO: Oh, and this gigantic check!

(A gigantic check of $10,000 appears from the ceiling.)

Ben: Whoa!

CEO: Look at the size of that! Anyway, let’s get started and bring out the first app contestant.

(The friends watch the contest on TV from the garage.)

Angela: I feel like we should go to the contest and support Ben.

Hank: So do I. What about you, Tom?

(Scene cuts to Angela speaking to the audience.)

Angela: I could tell part of Tom wanted to go support his friend, and part of Tom was being stubborn. What we really need is someone to talk to.

(Scene cuts to Tom speaking to the internet doctor, dressed as a therapist.)

Internet Doctor: Welcome to the Internet Therapist. That’s me. Online since... what’s the day, Wednesday?

Hank: Hey, aren’t you the Internet Doctor?

Internet Doctor: Hmm, interesting point, uh... for now, though, let’s focus on Tom’s conflict, okay?

Hank: Okay. I’m focused.

Internet Doctor: Tom, are you angry at Ben?

(Tom nods.)

Internet Doctor: But you do still consider Ben your business partner.

(Tom nods.)

Internet Doctor: And would you expect him to share that gigantic check if he won the contest?

(Tom nods in an excited manner.)

Internet Doctor: Well, then, you sound sane to me. (imitates nurse) "Dr. Internet Therapist, your next patient is here." Oh, looks like our time is up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have urgent matters back at the asylum. (disappears)

(Tom nods.)

(Scene cuts to the contest 30 minutes later. A contestant is booed offstage.)

CEO: I don’t know what made that person think they could app. Not a very good idea for an app at all, was it?

(The crowd laughs.)

CEO: Are you having as much fun as I am? Probably not, since I make more money in a minute than most of you will make in your whole life. (laughs) I’m just kidding... I think. (to people backstage) Someone figure out how much I make in a minute. (to crowd) Meanwhile, let’s welcome to the stage our next competitors, uh... Talking Tom and Ben!

Ben: Let's see... (looks at paper)

(Ben does the introduction that Tom had planned. He chicken-walks then moonwalks.)

Ben: I can’t hear you!

(The crowd begins booing at Ben. Tom and his friends appear backstage.)

Ben: Wait, that card was out of order. Good afternoon, everybody! Would you like to hear some interesting crime statistics related to mobile phone theft?!

(The crowd continues booing.)

Tom: I can’t let them treat Ben like this! (runs onstage)

Angela: Tom, wait!

(Tom is cheered on by the crowd as he chicken-walks out of view.)

Ben: Tom, what are you doing?

(Tom moonwalks back in view.)

Tom: (whispers to Ben) You can never tell how much you care about something until you realize it can be taken away from you.

Ben: Then why are you talking?!

Tom: Because it’s not my voice I’m worried about losing... it’s you!

Ben: That’s the stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard!

Tom: We are partners and I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what. Now, let’s win this thing!

Ben: (sighs) It's not worth it, Tom. I won't let you talk!

Tom: (takes phone) Give it to me.

Ben: Hey, give me that! Tom!

(Tom and Ben fight over the phone. The phone flies out of their hands and onto the floor.)

CEO: Okay, that’s enough. Off my stage, both of you!

(Tom and Ben walk offstage sadly.)

CEO: Well, those two certainly can’t app. I mean, what a total disaster, huh? (picks up phone) I guess this is mine now, right? Finders keepers, right? (laughs)

(The CEO presses the button on the phone only to be electrocuted.)

CEO: Yooooooooooh! (collapses)

Tom: Uh...

(The friends all run away.)

(Scene cuts back to the garage.)

Ben: (to audience) If there’s anything I learned today, it’s that Tom might be a lousy listener, but-

Angela: Leftover soup. Bon appetit! (serves bowls)

Ben: Oh, thank you.

(Tom sniffs the soup.)

Ben: Like I was saying, Tom is a lousy listener, but he’s also a reliable business partner.

(Tom mumbles and noogies Ben.)

Ben: Stop it. I know you’re just trying to make me uncomfortable.

(Ginger sees the soup.)

Ginger: Oh, boy, soup! Just say no if you don’t want me to have it!

Ben: No-

(Tom covers Ben's mouth.)

Ginger: Okay, thanks, bye!

Ben: Tom, he's taking your soup!

Tom: Sh!

(Ginger sips the soup offscreen, only to run in pain from the hot soup.)

Ginger: It's burning! (screams)

(Tom and Ben laugh.)

Ben: Too fast for the hot. (high-fives Tom)

(Credits roll)