The Audition/Transcript

This is the transcript for The Audition.
 * Tom: [to the viewers] Are you ready? I hope you're ready, because I am definitely ready. What am I ready for? I'll tell you what I'm ready for. I'm ready for you TV producers to give me my own show! [the camera falls a little] Ah, Ginger! Pay attention! 
 * Ginger: [holding the camera] Sorry, Tom, not sorry.
 * Tom: Okay, here it is. The Talking Tom Reality TV show audition video.
 * Tom: [to the viewers] Now, I'm gonna come here and be like, "Oh, producers, please, please, please give me a reality show." No. I don’t need to do that. Why? Because I know when you see my friends and my cool life, you’re gonna be like... “Oh Tom, please, please, please let us give you a reality show.”
 * Tom: Hey, I'm probably just being paranoid, but I just wanted you to know that I was just kidding when I was pretending you were going to be begging me for a reality show. Okay? Okay. And CUT! Thanks Ginger.

(Angela enters)

Angela: Tom!

Tom: Hey Angela!

Angela: I got here as quickly as I could. Your message said it was urgent. Is everything OK?

Tom: Yes, I am finally filming my Reality Show Audition Tape.

Angela: Oh, not really interested...

Tom: Uh. Now Angela, I need you to check the acoustics for our new reality TV confession booth.

Angela: Tom it's a bathroom!

Tom: Well, yeah! People sound great in the bathroom.

That's why they sing in the shower.

Angela: There's no shower in here! There's just a toilet.

Tom: Shower, toilet, use your imagination.

Angela: What? Use my imagination? Are you kidding me right now?

(Tom closes the door.)

Tom: That's our Angela. She's not only my good friend, but she is also... kind of a pop star. You might even know some of her songs.

Angela: Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh baby, baby...

Tom: “Yeah, yeah, baby, baby?” Why don't you sing one of your songs?

Angela: I love Tom. But my manager thought

it might hurt my career to sing one of my real songs on his crazy audition tape.

As you can see, this is no

ordinary neighbourhood garage. It’s what we call “The studio”,

and it’s where I produce games and songs and apps with my

best friend and business partner, Ben. Hey Ben!

Tom! Please tell me that camera isn’t recording.

Are you kidding me? That was reality TV gold!

Ben here is the owner of all this high tech expensive equipment.

Correct, Tom. So don’t you dare touch it.

Ben’s mom won’t let him keep the stuff at his house because a few

too many -- shall we say --ahem -- “power surges” caused a few too many -- shall

we say -- “the house fires.”

Not really my fault. Our electricity grid badly needs an upgrade.

So Ben, can you tell us what kind of mind-blowing,

life-changing, high-tech invention you’re working on?

I can, but I don’t see the reason why I would.

Oh, come on Ben, tell us what it does!

Well, if you must know, this is a squirting flower joke app.

Uuh! What’s that button?

No no no no! Don’t push it!

It doesn’t even work!

Well it should.

Haha now, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen you do.

What do you mean, I’m often very funny.

Ahhh... not really. I Am so?

No. Ah...Nope.

You, reality show producers,

You should know the following: Yes, I’m a tech genius, but I also

possess a well-rounded personality. For example, I can be whimsical.

I’m often spontaneous.

I’m organized…

In a fun way!

And most of all, I’m humorous.

You’re humorous?

What? You don’t think I’m funny?

You know what? Forget I said anything. Oh, nononono, you’re not leaving

until I have shown everyone that I am more than just the brains of

this operation. Please don’t.

Hello viewer, prepare to laugh at the following standup comedy

humour presentation.

Joke number one:

So yesterday I flew in from the west coast, and boy are my arms tired?

So you see, Tom, the word “flew” has two different meanings...

Ben! If a joke is funny you don’t need to explain why it’s funny!

Stop it, Tom, you’re embarrassing yourself. I have studied a lot more

comedy than you have...Good day!

Oh of course, the best comedy comes from a spread sheet!

What are those two bickering about?

Do they think that’s gonna impress the Producers?

And why am I talking to you instead of talking directly to them?

Huh ? ... Take over!

Ehm…Hi! I’m Tom’s roommate Hank.

Ehm.. I’ve seen every sitcom made from 1986 to 1994...

And… in France I’m called Honk!

Ginger? Oh Ginger?

Ginger it’s your turn to talk!

In a minute, I’m almost done...

Hey, that’s my phone!

I told you if you don’t behave, I’m gonna send you home...

I’m sorry, Hank. Give me another chance, I’ll be good.

Well...Okay.

Hi, everybody. My name is Ginger, and I’m seven years old!

And when I grow up I wanna be just like my role model: Hank!

Aww, I’m the only one who disciplines the kid...

That’s why he looks up to me -- Hey! Give me that!

Ginger, Ginger, get back here with my phone!

Have a seat on the couch and tell the producers about yourself.

Tom, you start. I’m what people call a visionary...

Some days I wake up and think, “Let’s see, today I’m gonna

design a hot air balloon that can land on a passing asteroid.”

Except a hot air balloon can’t fly in space…

That’s a minor detail. Comments like that prove that

you’re just not a visionary. And you’re not a scientist.

You two are a great team. Tell us about some of the apps you’ve created.

Oh! Tell her about the “Ray Ray”.

Oh why did you bring that up? The “Ray Ray” was an app

that used bursts of microwaves to locate people nearby named Ray.

Wow! Nobody needs that. Well, maybe we should talk about

“Cook My Salmon” –- the app that makes your phone so hot

it can cook salmon. Which totally worked,

it just drained your battery. Ben it set your pants on fire…

Really guys? So, tell us how you first met.

Well, it was like a million years ago...

No it was eight point three years ago.

Cool!

Eight point three?

You are talking nonsense!

Nonsense? You’re the king of nonsense!

I am literally a hologram of positivity.

No, the vibe I’m going for here is... “everyone’s got their own whatchamacallit.”

So Tom, is there anything about Ben

that gets on your nerves? Hmmm...

Don’t touch that! Don’t touch my computer screen.

Now you’re touching me!

Now, who wouldn’t wanna watch that on TV?

That’s it ! I am never going

to work with you again!

Hey Tom! How’s it going?

Not so good... I don’t think my video is good enough

to convince the TV producers to give me a reality show.

Then just turn it into a very special Christmas audition video.

Would that work? Do you know that show

“The Hermit Housewives of the Aran Islands”? Sure, everyone does!

They were almost cancelled. And then they turned every episode

into a very special Christmas special. Would that work for us?

Don’t ask me, ask this guy!

Somebody called Santa?

HOHOHO! Where did he come from?

Okay Ginger. Cue ‘The snow’! And… Action!

This season children all over the world are going to be asking me for

the same thing. Santa, they’re saying, all I want is to see a reality show

starring Talking Tom and his friends. Hey, what is this?

It’s a public service announcement... for children who want me to

get my own reality show. Kids watch enough TV!

No, my show will be good! It will be like a Christmas miracle.

But I’m not sure the TV producers will like it.

What do you need a TV producer for? To make all my dreams come true?

HO HO HO! Good one, Tom! You don’t need some out-dated

washed-up TV producer to make your own reality TV show.

I don’t?

No, all you need is a video camera, a computer and a bunch of crazy goof-ball friends…

Which you definitely have… I do?

HoHoHo. Yes, you do! So just make the show yourself.

I can do that. Thanks, Santa! This may be the best Christmas ever.

Angela, come sing with us!

Anybody has seen Angela?

Until that awful singing stops, I’m staying right in here with you,

“Confession Camera.” You’re welcome.

Santa, Santa!

Santa wait! You forgot my Christmas list!

Hoho! Email me! Okay !