Man on the Moon/Transcript

(Tom and Hank are in the garage ensuring they have their camping gear. Their items are all on the driveway.)

Tom: Let’s see. (reads list) backpacks, sleeping bags, lanterns… oh… sunscreen?

Hank: (applies sunscreen) Check!

Tom: Cool shades?

Hank: (puts on shades and makes finger guns) Check!

Tom: Hacky Sack?

Hank: (kicks Hacky Sack into backpack) The sack is in the pack.

Tom: Great, I think we’ve got everything we need for the annual best friends camping trip! Now to pack it all... Hank, I’ll let you get started. (makes fake excuse) I got to take care of the... thing with the deal...

Hank: Huh?

(Theme song plays)

(Scene shows all of Hank's camping gear packed into one backpack.)

Tom: Whoa, how’d you fit all that in?

Hank: The secret is to roll your underwear into tubes.

(Ben appears holding a laptop, intending to bring it with him to the camping trip.)

Tom: Woah, woah, woah, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that a laptop?

Ben: Nowadays it’s called a portable computer.

Tom: This is our best friends camping trip! That means me, you, Hank and no laptops!

(Ben grumbles and goes inside.)

Angela: Hi, guys!

Tom: Oh, and I also invited Angela.

(Ben growls.)

(Ginger appears packed for the camping trip.)

Ginger: If that desert is hiding dinosaur bones, they will be mine!

Hank: And I invited Ginger. Someone has to teach him about nature!

Ben: Hold on! Five people on a three-person best friends trip?!

Angela: What’s wrong with us coming?

Ben: Uh, let’s see. Five is not three!

Hank: Don’t worry, Ben. We’re still going to do the same things we do every year.

Tom: Plus, we’ll get to witness the rarest sight in nature.

Ginger: A half-bird-half-snake man?

Tom: Even better... an Ultramoon.

Angela: That’s when the moon comes so close, it’s like... ultra.

(Ginger looks for the Ultramoon.)

Ginger: I don’t see it.

Tom: It’s not out now yet. It’s still daytime.

(Scene cuts to the camping trip at night.)

Ben: Okay, everyone, according to my checklist, it’s time for our first-night Hacky Sack session. Tom?

(Tom is cooking a sausage on a campfire with Angela.)

Tom: Hey, later, Ben. I’m cooking here.

Ben: Okay, while we wait for you, Hank, Ginger, let’s get kicking...

Hank: I feel like playing some music. (takes out backpack)

Ginger: I’m going to look for dinosaur bones! (leaves)

Ben: I see... I guess I’m the only one who cares about tradition.

Hank: (takes out didgeridoo) La la la la la! Alright everybody, try and guess the song! (plays note)

Angela: Oh! I know! “Dance the Night 4 U!"

Hank: No. Here, let me play the hook. (plays note)

Ben: That’s the exact same note! Hank, please stop. Everyone knows we don’t play “guess the song” until the second night of the best friends trip!

(The moon rises from behind Ben.)

Hank: Look! The Ultramoon is rising!

(The friends observe the moon in awe.)

Hank: Wow... looking at the Ultramoon reminds me of a song.

Angela: Now that’s “Dance the Night 4 U.”

Hank: You guessed it!

Ben: What? Oh, come on! (kicks hacky sack and leaves)

(A stone falls into the campfire and a shooting star appears.)

Ben: (mocks Tom) Go ahead, Tom, bring Angela. Sure, Hank, bring Ginger too, why not? Hey, someone should call up Santa and see if he’s busy! (takes out computer and sighs) At least I have you, smuggled laptop. (kisses laptop) Let's see.

(The laptop dings.)

Ben: Wi-Fi? In the middle of the desert?

(A message appears on Ben's laptop.)

Message: Hi, u up?

Ben; Am I up? (types message) Who is this?

Message: The moon.

Ben: (types message) Ha! You’re being funny. Who is this really?

(A rock hits Ben's head.)

Ben: Ow! Who threw that?!

(The moon giggles.)

(Ben sniffs and licks the rock.)

Ben: Wow, that tastes just like a moon rock!

Moon: Yes, I have a lot of those. Because I’m the Moon.

(A moon emoji appears on Ben's laptop.)

Ben: Okay, (types message) but how am I talking to you? You’re way too far away to get a signal.

Moon: Usually, that’s true, but tonight I’m much, much closer to you.

Ben: Did you get Wi-Fi just for this Ultramoon?

Moon: I’ve always had it... I just don’t ever get to use it.

Ben: Then you have some catching up to do. Wanna watch a funny Internet video?

Moon: What’s a video?

Ben: Oh boy, where do I even start? (laughs) What do you know about kittens?

(Scene cuts to morning. Hank finds the Moon still in the sky.)

(Hank hears Ben.)

Hank: Huh? Ben?

(Ben is still messaging the Moon.)

Ben: You sign off first.

Moon: No, you sign off first.

Ben: I did and I logged back on and you’re still on.

(Tom confronts Ben for smuggling his laptop.)

Tom: What’s going on?

Hank: (shushes and whispers) I don’t know. I found him like this. Maybe he’s gone desert-crazy.

Tom: Hey, Ben, what are you doing?

Ben: Oh, just chatting with the Moon.

Tom: I thought you weren’t going to bring your laptop.

Ben: Eh, you brought Angela. Hank brought Ginger. And thanks to my laptop, I found... the Moon.

Hank: Wait, is that really the Moon?

Tom: Of course not.

Moon: Huh, then how do you explain this sudden eclipse?

(An eclipse occurs, causing a shadow to pass over the Moon.)

Ben: Yeah, good one, Moon.

(Angela runs over running.)

Angela: Did you see that eclipse?!

Ben: That’s Angela... Remember I told you about how she gets.

Moon: Hmm, you know, she’s exactly like you described her.

Angela: Wait, what?

Tom: Well, are you and the Moon coming on the hike with us?

Ben: Oh, can you?

Moon: I wish! It’s time for me to set.

Ben: Aw... when can I chat with you again?

Moon: Hm, I’ll be back in 14,000 years.

Ben: 14 thou- …okay, it was nice meeting you, I guess. (walks away sadly)

Moon: Yeah, I’ll miss you, Ben.

(The moon stops setting.)

Moon: Ah, here’s a crazy idea. What if I didn’t set so we could keep hanging out?

Ben: Yes! You could do that? Then you could go on the hike with us!

Moon: Okay! I’d love to.

(The moon comes closer, but the ground begins to rumble.)

(Scene cuts to friends on hike. The friends sing a hiking song.)

Ginger: (chants) Sound-off!

All: One, two!

Ginger: Sound-off!

All: Three, four!

Ginger: Bring it on down!

All: One, two, three, four, one, two... three-four!

Tom: (to Ben) Hey, buddy, a little farther and we’ll be at Pleasant Springs, the highlight of every best friends camping trip, right? Ben?

(Ben is preoccupied talking to the Moon.)

Angela: What’s so funny?

Ben: I can tell you. But the Moon doesn’t think you would get it.

Angela: Really? I’m pretty good at “getting” things, but whatever.

Moon: Okay... We’re laughing because I meant to send Ben a winky face, but I accidently sent him a kissy face.

(Angela and Ben giggle.)

Ben: That was a lucky accident...

Angela: (giggles and pushes Tom) So cute, so funny. You make such a good couple. Okay, the Moon needs to go now.

Tom: I know the Moon is annoying, but she makes Ben happy.

Ben: (in the distance) Hold on. I need to get a screenshot of this. A winking smiley face?!

Angela: Ugh, vomit.

Tom: Yeah, I’ll talk to him.

Ben: Say "cheese!" (takes picture)

Tom: Hey, Ben, some of us were thinking maybe it’s time for the Moon to... I don’t know... set?

Moon: Who’s “some of us?" Angela?

Tom: Can the Moon not be a part of this conversation?

Ben: (gasps) Anything you want to say to me, you can say to the Moon!

Moon: Tell him, Benny!

Tom: Okay, there’s supposed to be a best friend vibe on this trip, but the Moon, who I think is totally cool, is kinda pulling you away from the group.

Moon: Don’t let him talk about us like that, Ben-Ben!

Ben: Nobody talks about my girlfriend that way! Moon, we’re out of here! (leaves)

(The ground begins to rumble. Boulders roll off a hill, causing Tom and Angela to leap out of the way to prevent being crushed by them.)

(Tom and Angela cough from the airborne sand.)

Angela: That Moon is trouble.

Tom: Yeah, something needs to be done.

Hank: I have an idea.

Ginger: (holds large bone) And I have a dinosaur bone!

(Scene cuts to Ben at night.)

Moon: So now that we’re alone, was that true, what you said back there? Am I really your girlfriend?

Ben: Well... do you want to be?

Moon: Do I want to be? Does this answer your question?

(A heart shaped meteorite strikes near Ben.)

Ben: (touches hot meteorite) Ouch! Moon, you are so hot.

Moon: Oh, Ben, stop it...

(A voice is heard.)

Unknown Voice: Yoo hoo! I’m just a lonely asteroid lost in this desert.

(The unknown voice is revealed to be Hank, who pretended to be the asteroid to divert Ben's attention away from the Moon.)

Hank: (in high voice) If only there were a handsome or, uh, an average looking man to help me.

(Ben catches Hank.)

Ben: What do you guys think you’re doing?

Tom: Trying to save the best friend camping trip.

Ben: (gasps) You’re the one who ruined it when you let Angela and Ginger come.

Angela: Hey!

Tom: Well, you ruined the hike! You and the Moon!

Ben: Ohhhhh, I get what’s going on here. You’re jealous because you wish you had the kind of connection with Angela that I have with the Moon!

Tom: Whaaaat?! This Angela?! What gave you that impression?

Ben: Admit it, Tom! You wish you could do this! (to Moon) Moon, since the first time I saw you, I’ve wanted to kiss you.

Moon: Kiss me, Ben!

(The Moon gets closer to the earth to kiss Ben. The ground rumbles. All scream.)

Angela: I don’t think the Moon should be this close to the Earth!

(The ground cracks and the friends start levitating.)

Ginger: Whoa... Best camping trip ever!

Angela: Whoa, take cover!

Hank: Everyone to your tents!

Tom: Ben! Remember the real reason we came here! Best-friends camping trip!

(Two stones move towards Tom, preparing to crush him together.)

Ben: No! Moon! Stop!

(The moon stops getting closer. Objects start levitating, saving Tom from being crushed just in time.)

Tom: (falls and hits ground) Ben?

Ben: Best friends camping trip...

Tom: Yes! Us. Best friends! Remember?

Ben: Wow... I don’t know what to say. I had no idea a relationship with the Moon would cause this much trouble.

Tom: Yeah. I know it’s hard. But you’re doing the right thing breaking up with her.

Moon: Ben?!

Ben: What?! Oh no, that’s not what’s happening here.

Tom: What?

Ben: Take care, Tom. (leaves)

(Scene cuts to Ben in an astronaut suit, leaving his mother's house.)

Ben: Well, this is it. Goodbye, Ma!

Ben's Mother: Where are you going, Ben?!

Ben: To the moon, Mom. To the moon...

Ben's Mother: Okay!

(Ben leaves.)

(To be continued...)

(credits)