Unfriend 'Em All!/Transcript

(Scene shows a desert. Tom crawls through the desert and picks up a glass bottle with a drop of water. He tries to drink the drop, but the water evaporates on his tongue. He finds a talking cactus named Bob.)

Tom: Oh, there you are! (laughs) Oh, I thought I'd lost you. That would have been terrible!

Bob (Cactus): (gibberish)

Tom: Well, of course, I'm going to worry, Bob. You're my only friend! I mean, don't you know how I got here?

Bob (Cactus): (gibberish)

Tom: You don't? Well, it is a sad story...

(A flashback is shown. Tom is in the garage, having a party.)

Tom: ...with a totally fun beginning! We were throwing a big company party in our garage.

(Tom dances with the MC. He then dances in front of Angela and Victoria Payne, but lands on a split. He screams.)

(Ginger is wearing a fake mustache, dancing in front of a woman. He is picked up by Ben. Ben throws Ginger out of the garage.)

Ben: Sorry, Ginger. This party is for grown-ups. (closes door)

Ginger: Come on!

(Back inside the garage...)

Angela: Woo-hoo!

(Tom's phone pings.)

Tom: (checks phone) Oh, no, another message from him?

Angela: Him who? (looks at image) Huh, he seems familiar.

Tom: He's a hipster tech-reviewer who hates tech. He's been buggin' me online for weeks.

(Tom's phone pings again.)

Tom: (growls) You know what? I'm going to block him.

Angela: Whoa, Tom, that's harsh. I ignore my haters.

Tom: (blocks hipster on phone) Done. Now, I never have to deal with that guy again!

Hipster: Ugh, plastic cups?

(Tom gasps, realizing that the hipster is in the party.)

Hipster: I only drink of cups that are made of the wood.

Tom: Ugh!

(Theme song plays)

(Tom exits the garage. The hipster follows, holding a typewriter.)

Hipster: Don't run away. I want to interview you about your garbage company.

Tom: It's a garage company! Hey, how'd you hear about this party? You weren't invited.

Hipster: Invitations are so needy. Can I get a quote from you? (types on typewriter) I'm thinking, "My party is terrible and my company is lame."

Tom: Go away! Shut up! Leave!

(The people at the party gasp.)

Tom: Huh? Uh... hey, party on, right? Right?

(Some of the guests leave angrily. Hank follows them and honks an airhorn. Tom picks up Hank and puts him in front of the hipster.)

Tom: Here, why don't you bother Hank, and not me? (slams door)

Hank: Oh, do I spy an InkStamp 4000? Mind if I take her for a spin? (takes typewriter and starts typing)

(Back inside, Ben is interacting with another guest.)

Ben: (laughs) Yeah.

Tom: (taps on Ben's shoulder) Psst, Ben! (drags Ben aside)

Ben: Whoa!

Tom: That hipster is here, and he's making me lose my cool in front of the tech people!

Ben: What? You're supposed to be being cool! Pull yourself together, man!

Tom: I tried! I blocked him on the internet, but now, he's here! I can't block him out in real life!

Ben: Tah, that's never gonna happen! Hm... or can you?

(Scene cuts to the bedroom, away from the party. Ben takes out a headset.)

Ben: Meet the Unfriender.

Tom: Wow!

Ben: Of course, I haven't tested this yet, but if it works, it will prevent your brain from seeing or hearing disagreeable people, like you've blocked them from your life.

Tom: Yeah, we're going to make this jerk disappear!

(Ben puts the headset on Tom's head. The machine whirs, and a smiley face appears on Tom's pupils.)

(Scene cuts back to the party.)

Tom: (to hipster) Enjoying the party?

Hipster: No, I found four potato chips that are shaped totally dumb.

Tom: Really? I think the potato chips at this party are perfect!

Hipster: That's absurd! Let me describe seven ways you are wrong. One:

(A smiley face appears on the hipster's face. His voice becomes muffled and inaudible.)

Tom: Whoa, it worked!

Angela: Hey, leave Tom alone! He's just trying to give everyone a fun night!

Tom: Oh, don't worry, Angela! I can't see this guy or hear what he's saying.

(The hipster tries speaking, but Tom could not hear him.)

Tom: I didn't catch that, but I'll assume it was, "Wow, Tom, you're the best."

Angela: No, Tom, that's not what he said at all.

Tom: I don't know that. (chuckles)

(Tom goes to Ben.)

Tom: Ben, the Unfriender is fantastic!

Ben: Well, I'm glad it works! But, this was just a test. I have to undo it.

Tom: No! What if I meet someone else who I don't want to deal with?

(Ben nudges Tom onto a chair and puts the headset on him.)

Tom: Ow, ow!

Ben: It's too dangerous, Tom. Be sure to look directly into the lens or the deprogramming won't work correctly. (activates machine)

Tom: Uh... sure.

(The machine whirs.)

(Scene cuts back to desert. Tom narrates the story to Bob.)

Tom: I fooled Ben into thinking he undid the procedure. Huh. That's when things took a turn for the amazing!

(A montage is shown of people getting blocked by Tom.)

(Tom walks onto the street.)

Tom: Yeah, woo! (laughs)

(A car stops by, barely avoiding hitting Tom.)

Driver: Hey, watch where you're going!

Tom: Oh, yeah? Maybe you should watch where you're going!

Driver: Yeah? Well, maybe you should- (gets blocked)

(Scene cuts to the park. Tom is whistling as he walks by a babysitter trying to put a baby to sleep.)

Babysitter: Would you stop that whistling?! It's loud and my baby wants to- (gets blocked)

(Scene cuts to the driveway. Tom is talking to the Landlord.)

Tom: You want me to pay the rent, even though we just paid the rent last month?

Landlord: Uh- (gets blocked)

(End of montage. Tom and Angela are at the diner.)

Tom: And...

(Tom makes a rose appear from Angela's ear.)

Angela: (laughs) You're being so charming tonight!

Tom: I know! Ever since I used the Unfriender, I've blocked all the negativity out of my life so that I can focus on the people who matter.

Angela: (sniffs rose) Wait, I thought you only used that thing on that guy at the party.

Tom: Uh, yeah, well, he... was all the negativity!

(Rhonda places a cheesecake on Tom's table.)

Tom: Oh, good, our cheesecake is here. You know, it's funny they call it cheesecake because it has a crust, so really, it's just like cheesepie.

Angela: No way. Cheesepie would be a pie with cheese in it.

Tom: Angela, that's crazy.

Angela: Tom, I like you, but you are totally wrong- (gets blocked)

Tom: (gasps) Angela?

(Angela's words are inaudible.)

Tom: Oh, no! (steps back)

(Angela follows. Tom screams and runs out of the diner. Angela follows.)

Angela: Tom?

(Ben is walking by.)

Ben: What's going on?

Tom: (gasps) Ben, oh, Ben! You have to help me. I can't hear or see her. She's blocked!

Ben: Blocked? But that could only happen if... what did you do?!

Tom: Okay, I may have kinda... closed my eyes when you were trying to undo the Unfriender.

Ben: You did what?! You have got to be kidding me, you utter, absolute- (gets blocked)

Tom: Ben? Ben! (sobs) Ben!

Ginger: (in the background) Hey, Hank!

(Hank and Ginger are across the street.)

Tom: (runs over) Oh, Ginger! You're still you!

Ginger: How'd you recognize me? Doesn't my goatee make me look all grown-up?

Tom: I don't have time to play right now. I need help!

Ginger: I'm not playing! This is serious- (gets blocked)

Tom: (gasps) No!

Hank: Um...

Tom: Hank! You're my last hope.

Hank: Okay...?

Tom: Now, listen to me very carefully. No matter what happens, don't let me argue with you, okay?

Hank: Okay? That shouldn't be too hard.

Tom: Good, good! That's, uh, that's good.

(Ginger tries speaking to Tom, but is inaudible.)

Hank: Really? I'm not sure, Ginger. What do you think?

Tom: I... do not know what he said.

Hank: Oh, you must have been distracted. Ginger, can you repeat that, please?

(Ginger starts repeating what he said.)

Tom: Wait, no, no, but- ugh, Hank!

Hank: Tom, pay attention!

Tom: I can't! I told you, I blocked him!

Hank: Blocked him?! I don't know what that means! Tom, I am getting sick and- (gets blocked)

Hank: (to Ginger) Listen.

(Tom sobs and hugs Hank.)

(Ben and Angela approach Tom.)

(Tom runs away screaming.)

Ben: Tom, stop!

(Tom runs onto the street. Several passersby are blocked.)

(Tom continues running. A police officer is blocked as he tells him to stop.)

Angela: It's alright, Tom!

(Tom screams and runs away.)

(Scene cuts back to present day in the desert.)

Tom: (finishes story) I couldn't be around all those happy faces, so I came here.

(The cactus cries.)

Tom: Yeah, I know. I warned you the story was sad.

(Tom tries wiping the tears of Bob, but is pricked by one of the thorns.)

Tom: Ow! What was that for, jerk?

(Bob gets blocked.)

Tom: Aw.

(Tom's vision becomes blurry and he faints.)

(Ginger, Angela and Ben appear.)

Ginger: (in adult voice) He looks terrible. We adults have to help him.

Ben: I have a plan, but we're only going to get one shot at this.

(Scene cuts to the garage. The garage is surrounded with electrical wires, which transport large amounts of electricity to the building.)

(The electricity goes into a cage. Tom is inside the cage.)

Tom: W-w-wait, w-what is going on?

(Ben worriedly uses the controls on his tablet. Tom is nearly hit with electricity.)

Tom: Guys? I still can't talk to you, so I'm pretty confused.

(Ben pulls a lever. A forcefield appears around Tom. Ben steps inside the forcefield and is unblocked.)

Tom: (gasps) Ben! How'd you do that?

Ben: I made some dangerous modifications and created an area that cancels its effects, but it will only last for a minute. We need to make your brain realize that blocking people is bad!

Tom: Wha- I know that now!

Ben: It's not enough to just say it. We have to go back to the source.

(Hank enters the forcefield and is unblocked.)

Hank: Did you ever see that classic surgeon adventure movie, Patient Zero? We had to find your Patient Zero.

Tom: Patient Zero? Wha- no, no, oh, anything but that!

(The hipster steps near the forcefield.)

Tom: No, no, no!

(The hipster steps into the forcefield and is unblocked.)

Hipster: Hello, Tom.

(Tom winces.)

Hipster: We got off to a bad start, but now, you blocked the whole world? That is impressive.

Tom: Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you ju- wait, you aren't going to insult me?

Hipster: Why would I do that? I mean, I am too cool for the school, yeah, but you are too cool for, literally, everyone. You're like, the ultimate hipster.

Tom: Huh! You're right, I guess I am! You know what? I'm sorry I tried to never see you again. That was wrong of me.

Hank: Aw... (gets hit by electricity and screams)

Ben: Make friends faster! The field is shutting down!

Angela: You're running out of time! Hurry!

Tom: Well, what else am I supposed to do? (gasps) Wait! (takes out phone)

Hank: No! This is no time for social media!

Tom: You're a good guy, and I don't want to block you in real life, or online! (unblocks hipster on phone)

(The forcefield shuts down. Tom groans.)

(The friends become unblocked.)

Tom: Ben! You crazy genius, you did it!

Ben: And not a moment too soon!

Angela: (opens cage) Welcome back, Tom.

Tom: (steps out) Thanks! I owe it all to you, Angela, and what you said back at the party. You don't have to block your haters.

Hank: (laughs) Woo!

(The friends cheer.)

(The power in the garage abruptly stops.)

Ben: Huh, I think we just knocked out the power grid for the entire town!

All: Oh, no!

(Credits roll)