Friendly Customer Service/Transcript

[The episode begins with Ben and Tom sitting on the couch, with Tom talking to the viewers, and Ben looking angered]

Tom: (to the viewers) Big news: we finally released the big update of the Talking Ben app. Better late than never, right Ben? (nudges him)

Ben: (angry) Tom released it! It's not ready. Now there's so many angry customers, I don't have time to fix the bugs!

Tom: (soothing him) We'll be fine. I got Hank to help with customer service.

[Cuts to a flashback of Hank "helping" with customer service]

Hank: (talking to a customer) What? You said the Ben app won't stop burping? I know how that is! (burps on the phone, and laughs) Just like the app now what were you saying again? (call drops) Hello? Hello?

Hank: (talking to another customer, while on the tablet) Uh, ha. Uh, ha. The app won't even open? If I were you, I'd call and complain.

Hank: (talking to another customer) Uh, yeah, I don't really understand technical junk. But maybe you can help me with a problem. See, I got this ingrown toenail.

Tom: (sad, while Ben glares at him) And that's why Hank is no longer helping out with customer service.

(Cuts to theme song)

(Tom struggles to carry a machine.)

Ben: What's this piece of junk?

Tom: This is the solution to our sudden increase in customer service calls! (Ginger peeks behind him.) Say hello to Gilbert.

Ginger: Gilbert? Why's it called that?

Ben: It's named after the two guys who built it. Gil and Bert. Great...

Tom: They were in such a hurry to get rid of it that they practically gave it to us!

Ginger: I bet this was hi-tech back at the turn of the century!

Tom: Let's see if Gilbert works!

Gilbert: Hello, and welcome to customer service. How can I help you today?

Ben: Tech support!

Gilbert: I think you said 'neck and spork.' If this is correct press one. If this is not correct press the asterix followed by the function key followed by the pound sign.

Ben: Where's the function key on the.. What?

Gilbert: I think you said 'I don't have a function key.' If this is correct press the function key. If this is not correct press any diagonal sequence of buttons.

(Ben does so.)

Gilbert: Not yet. Wait until the tone.

(Ben also waits.)

Gilbert: You waited too long. Goodbye.

Ben: You told me to wait!

Ginger: Real cutting edge technology.

Tom: No problem. We'll just have to program it to act more human.

Ben: More human? It's prime directive is to answer questions with the correct answer. Humans are terrible at that!

Tom: No, no, no. Answering questions correctly isn't important.

Ben: Then what is important?

Tom: Being friendly! Until you fix all the bugs in our app, we gotta give Gilbert a new prime directive. Like "Don't let people go until they're your friend."

Ben: Reprogram? That would require something like I don't know... a programming genius!

Tom: Well I understand if you can't do it..

Ben: Of course I can do it!

(Ben puts the finishing touches on Gilbert)

Ben: I did it! I programmed Gilbert with a string of empathy commands to achieve his prime directive. It should make him ultra congenial. Or you know as friendly as a computer can be.

Gilbert: Hey, there! I'm Gilbert. How can i provide you excellent customer service today, my friend?

Customer: The update! It keeps crashing! And freezing!

Gilbert: I hear you, buddy. That's pretty frustrating. We're working on a fix right now, bro. Meanwhile, can I tell you about the app's cool new features? The app has a whole new room filled with - well, I'll let you see what's in there yourself.

Customer: Wow! Gilbert, I can't wait to check it out.

Gilbert: Hey, before you go, can I just confirm that I provided you with friendly customer service?

Customer: You know, actually you were pretty friendly.

Gilbert: Pretty friendly? No man, come on. I can't let you go until I know we're friends.

Customer: Yes, We're definitely friends. I'll call you tomorrow.

Tom: Did you see that?! He followed the protocol perfectly! Gilbert, I think you and I are going to get along just fine.

Gilbert: Me too, Tom.