Big Ben/Transcript

(Scene shows the open-mic club. Ben is doing stand-up comedy.)

Ben: ...so I said, "Uranium? More like my-anium!” Huh? Am I right?

(No one laughs.)

(Tom, Angela and Ginger are at a table.)

Ginger: I love watching Ben do stand-up. He’s awful!

Tom: I can’t do this anymore! Even my fake laugh sounds fake. Listen. "Ha, ha! Good one, Ben!"

Angela: Hm, try this. (fake laughs)

Tom: Wait, that’s fake? That’s how you laugh when I tell a joke.

Angela: (laughs) Oh, Tom, you’re so funny.

Ben: Bromine. Right, bro? Mean? (rimshot) Cadmium? I just met him! Iodine. Oh, i-oh-dying up here. Cat got my tungsten? Iridium!

(Tom fake-laughs.)

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to the open mic club after the audience had left.)

(Tom applauds.)

Angela: Hey, there he is! Ben the comedian!

Tom: Yeah, way to go, buddy!

Ben: Don’t bother lying to me. I bombed.

Hank: Oh, thank goodness! He already knows, guys.

Ben: It just doesn't make sense! I know my jokes were humorous!

(Ben holds up a spreadsheet. There are three columns with jokes on it.)

Ben: Look at this spreadsheet. Every joke I did tonight was from the “Funny” column.

Ginger: I know the problem! You think your jokes are funny, but they’re not funny!

Hank: Oh, that’s why no one was laughing! Your jokes aren’t funny!

Ben: No, my jokes aren’t the problem, I know that. But there’s some piece of the comedy puzzle that's still missing, and I’m going to find out what it is!

Tom: Ha-ha-ha! How was that?

Angela: Better.

(Scene cuts to the garage. A montage is shown of Ben trying to get Tom to laugh.)

(Ben tickles Tom's armpit with his finger. Tom weakly chuckles. Ben takes note on a clipboard, then tickles Tom with a feather. Tom laughs.)

(Scene cuts to the living room. Ben shows Angela an image of a clown on the television. Angela makes a weak reaction. The television then shows a piano falling on the clown. Angela laughs.)

(Scene cuts to Ben's office. Ben touches a whoopee cushion on his chair, then sits on it.)

(Scene cuts to the filming backdrop. Hank sits on a stool. Ben hits a button that launches a pie at Hank's stomach.)

Hank: Huh? Was that all?

(Ben goes to the pie-launching device.)

Ben: Let's see... turn on that... (turns knob) push that... (presses button)

Hank: Whoa!

(A large pie is launched into Hank's face, knocking him off his stool and against the wall. Hank laughs.)

(Ben sits on a larger whoopie cushion at his office chair, creating a louder noise.)

Ben: Oh! Eureka!

(End of montage. Ben talks to the audience on the living room armchair.)

Ben: My research is complete! I’m happy to say that I've finally found a way to perform comedy so my material gets the laughter it deserves! This is gonna be really big!

(Scene cuts to the open mic club. The friends are seated at a table when they hear sudden loud noises. The audience screams.)

(Ben walks onstage. He has found a way to become morbidly obese, and the loud noises were his footsteps. Ginger laughs.)

Ben: (picks up microphone stand) Sounds like you’re ready for some jokes!

(The audience laughs.)

Ben: You know why I don’t trust atoms? Because, as we know from science, atoms make up everything!

(The audience continues laughing.)

Ben: That’s a good one, huh?

Angela: Oh, my face! Ben is huge!

Tom: How could he possibly get that big?

(Scene cuts to Ben talking to the audience from the living room. He holds a device in his hand.)

Ben: The Gain-a-Tron! My research proved that big equals funny, and this device will instantaneously quadruple my size. This is what I was missing!

(Scene cuts back to the open mic club.)

Ben: Right, so why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side! You know?

(The audience continues laughing.)

Ginger: Why are they laughing? No one even knows what a Möbius strip is!

Audience Member: Can it, tiny! I’m tryin’ to laugh at that house on the stage!

(Ben passes gas onstage. The audience continues laughing.)

Tom: I don’t think Big Ben is getting laughs for the right reasons...

Angela: You’re right, I’ve seen this before. They’re laughing at him. Ugh, this is communal shaming.

Ben: Pardon me, I just need a little liquid refreshment.

(Ben reaches for a glass of water on a stool, but he almost knocks over the stool.)

Ben: Whoa! Be careful there.

(Ben tries again, but knocks the stool over. The audience continues laughing.)

Ben: Uh, who wants to hear a jolly-ol' jape about a focused ray of light?!

(Scene cuts to the end of the show. Ben gets offstage.)

Ben: And that, my friends, was comedy.

Tom: People were definitely laughing...

Ben: Precisely! My invention, the Gain-A-Tron, has given me a huge comedy stage presence to match my already-hugely-funny material.

Ginger: You’re hugely wrong! No one thinks your jokes are funny. It must be that people were laughing at you.

Angela: As opposed to laughing with you.

Ben: False. They were laughing because they understood my clever wordplay and my science-based comedy. (passes gas)

Hank: Ben, I didn’t understand a word you said, but you sure were funny! (holds up hand) Up top!

Ben: Put it there, pal!

(Ben tries to high-five Hank, but loses balance and falls, crashing into furniture.)

Hank: (laughs) You’ve done it again! Good one!

(Scene cuts to the garage. Tom and Angela try to fit Ben through the garage door by pushing him.)

Tom: It’s not working. We’re not strong enough.

Angela: Keep pushing!

Ben: Just get me to the couch. I don’t have all day here, you know.

Hank: (holds feather) Hey guys, maybe this would help?

(Hank tickles Ben. Ben starts laughing and Tom and Angela manage to push him past the door.

Angela: Is everyone okay?

Ben: I'm fine.

Ginger: (muffled) Uh, it’s not fine!

Hank: (gasps) Ben ate Ginger!

Ben: No, he’s right here.

(Ben pulls Ginger out from under him. Ben had been sitting on Ginger.)

Ginger: (gasps and falls to floor) That was disgusting!

Tom: Ben, this isn’t worth it. Your size is getting in the way of your life.

Ben: But it’s not getting in the way of my comedy.

Ginger: It’s not comedy! You’re not funny, Ben! You’ve never been funny!

Ben: The audience would beg to differ.

Ginger: Everyone’s laughing at you cause you look ridiculous! (pokes Ben's belly) You could read names out of a school yearbook and get the same response.

Ben: Absurd! My audience can tell the difference between a well-crafted joke and a list of random words!

Ginger: Oh yeah? Prove it!

Ben: Maybe I will!

(Scene cuts to the open mic club. Ben is onstage and the audience is laughing.)

Ben: ...and then the molecule replied, “Osmosis!”

(Ben remembers what Ginger said.)

Ginger (in memory): You could read names out of a school yearbook and get the same response.

Ben: (takes yearbook) Well, now, I think I'm on a roll. I think I'm gonna try out some new comedic material. (reads names) Robert Jones.

(The audience laughs.)

Ben: Suzie Daniels.

(The audience laughs.)

Ben: (starts getting nervous and flips pages) Ah, the chess club. Stan Miller...

(The audience laughs.)

Ben: Michael Smith...

(The audience laughs.)

(Ginger appears onstage, also having been inflated by the Gain-a-Tron.)

Ginger: (bounces) Hey, let me try! (knocks Ben offstage and takes microphone) Hi, my name is Ginger and I am not a comedian! Doug Jones...

(The audience laughs.)

Ginger: See, Ben? I’m just as funny as you. Even funnier. And I’m cute.

Ben: Give me that book!

(Ben and Ginger fight over the yearbook.)

Audience Member: Blimp fight! The laughs don’t get any bigger than this!

(Ben and Ginger bounce offstage and crash offscreen.)

(Scene cuts to the end of the show. Tom helps Ben get up.)

Ben: I just wanted people to think I’m funny, but Ginger was right. They were laughing because I was huge. Ugh, I might as well put the Gain-a-Tron in reverse and go back to plain-old Ben. Hey, where's the Gain-A-Tron?

Ginger: Uh-oh. My butt did a bad thing.

(Ginger stands up, revealing that he had sat on the Gain-a-Tron. The device is broken.)

Ben: That was my only prototype!

Tom: I guess you’re just gonna be stuck this way.

Ben: I guess so. Unless...

(Scene cuts to the garage. Hank jumps on Ben to knock the gas out of Ben, deflating him. Ben burps each time.)

Hank: Whoa... yeah! Hey, me jumping on you is really deflating you.

Angela: Oh, excuse you.

Tom: Hey, lookin' smaller, buddy!

Ben: You know... (belches) this whole experience has taught me... (belches) a lesson. I want people to laugh at my... (belches) wit, not at me. And that will take time... (belches) patience, and diligence. (belches) As I was saying... (belches) I’m already developing a hilarious new routine... (belches) about gravity.

Tom: Sounds pretty... heavy.

(Angela laughs.)

Tom: That one was a fake one, wasn’t it?

Ben: Tom, please leave the comedy to the comedians.

(Ginger, who is still inflated, appears from the balcony.)

Ginger: Hey, let me try!

Hank: Huh?

Ginger: Geronimo! (jumps off balcony)

Ben: (in slow-motion) Noooooooo!

(Tom pulls Hank out of the way just as Ginger lands.)

(Ginger's landing is seen from outside the garage. The landing creates a loud blast and a thick green cloud.)

Ginger: Yup, my butt did a bad thing again!

(Credits roll)