The Nerd Club/Transcript

Act I
(Tom, Angela and Hank are having a dance party in the garage. Party music is playing, and Ben enters.)

Ben: What? Why are you dancing? (turns off music) You're supposed to be brainstorming ideas for something to do on the mayor's float at the Founders' Day parade!

Tom: Well, we were brainstorming, but then it turned into... (turns on music) a dance party!

Angela: Like all our brainstorming sessions!

Tom: Ha ha! Yeah!

Ben: (turns off music) Guys, this is important. Tom's the new mayor. His presentation at this parade will set the tone for the whole year. (walks to computer) Lucky for you, I've prepared something that's really going to impress the whole crowd. (hits a key on a keyboard, a paper appears.)

Tom: Hm. (reads paper) "Our cyclical municipal dynamics of..." (snores) Ben, this is just a boring speech.

Ben: B-b-b-b-boring speech?! It's a detailed summary of the state of the town! You're the mayor. What are you going to do? Dance around for people?

Tom: Whoa! That's it! My presentation will be a big mayor dance! Yeah, thanks! (turns music on)

Angela: Smart brain thought, Ben!

Ben: No, that's not what I-

Hank: Yeah, Ben! We are picking up what you are throwing down! (The friends dance around Ben.)

Tom: We are feeling the mayor groove!

(The scene transforms into a desert. The friends transform into cavemen, making animal noises.)

Ben: Ok, this is fun, but if we could just get back to the data.

Tom: Oh, yeah, I can work the data in.

(Tom dances towards the computer. He slips on a paper and falls.)

Tom: Ow, ow! My knee!

Hank: Aw, man.

Tom: Aw, Ben, look what you did. How am I going to do my big mayor dance now?

Angela: Hey, don't blame Ben. He didn't know his idea was so dangerous.

Ben: My idea was fine! You guys just didn't listen to me!

Hank: Didn't we? Thought we did. (Ben groans.)

(theme song)

Act II
(Tom is sitting on the couch, putting an ice pack on his leg.)

Ben: I am sorry that you managed to hurt your own leg, but I have something that can help.

Tom: Will it fix my twisted knee?

Ben: No, but it will fix the communication problem that led to your twisted knee.

Tom: What communication problem?

Ben: We do not speak at the same level. Because I am very smart and the rest of you are... smart-challenged. So, I created the Brainerator! (pulls out invention and holds in front of Tom)

(The invention consists of what appears to be a toy gun with a phone and microphone attached.)

Tom: What does this thing do?

Brainerator: (bleeps) Please describe the functionality of this device.

Ben: It takes what I call "garage talk" and converts it to brilliant Ben-cabulary!

Tom: Ben, the problem isn't the way we talk; it's the way you talk.

Ben: What do you mean?

Tom: I'm sorry, let me translate. (takes Brainerator and speaks into it) [enunciates] The problem isn't the way we talk; it's the way you talk.

Brainerator: (bleeps) The quandary in which we face is not our lack of vocabulary, but rather your inability to speak in a way that connects with your friends.

Ben: Oh, huh, see? We're communicating already.

(Scene cuts to Ben in a Grape Store talking to Xenon on his tablet.)

Ben: I just want to have an intellectual conversation every once in a while.

Xenon: You can have them with me, Benbug.

Ben: I know, Xeeny-Panini, but I wish I could have them with Tom and the rest of the gang.

Xenon: Well, if you're looking for friends who are as smart as you, you should join... (puts on graduation cap) the SMARTIES.

Ben: (gasps) The Super Mentally Advanced Really Truly Intellectually Endowed Society? Are you a member?

Xenon: Of course! There's chapters everywhere. You should go to one of their SMARTIE parties.

Grape Store Employee: Psst, I couldn't help but overhear. Are you looking for a new hat?

Ben: No, dummy, this is a computer store. Go away!

Xenon: Ben, that's SMARTIES secret code. This one seeks an initiation. (makes strange hand gestures)

(The employee does the same.)

Employee: Follow me. (presses button on smartphone)

(A trapdoor appears in the floor. Ben screams as he falls into a pit. He lands in another room.)

Ben: Huh? Hm. (observes several scientists and mathematicians) Wow, this is impressive. (bumps into employee)

Employee: Welcome to the SMARTIE party. We'll need two forms of genius, please.

Ben: Uh, let's see. Uh, I've got a letter from my high school science teacher. I always carry it around. (gives paper) And, of course, my new invention, the Brainerator.

(A male and female scientist appears.)

Female Scientist: That is a wonderful invention!

Ben: Oh, great! Now, if you'll excuse me, I really wouldn't mind some of that red punch. (tries to leave)

Male Scientist: (stops Ben) Uh-uh-uh! Punch is for SMARTIES, but you are not a SMARTY yet. First, you have to prove that you're not just a... normal.

Female Scientist: Activate the Test Tube!

(A glowing blue glass tube appears and surrounds Ben.)

Ben: Aah! Hey, what's going on?

(Numbers appear on the tube's surface.)

Ben: Huh? Wait a minute! I recognize these numbers! It's the Fibonacci Sequence! The next number is 987!

(Several items appear on the tube's surface. Ben identifies each one.)

Ben: Arthropods! A pangolin! Covalence bonds! Octahedron! Decahedron! Dodecahedron! And that is Orion's Belt. Looks a little tight, if you ask me. Maybe Orion needs to stop eating so much Crab Nebula!

(The scientists laugh.)

Male Scientist: Oh, a perfect score! And one extra point for that delightful pun.

Flo: Here's your official headgear! (places graduation cap on Ben) Welcome to the SMARTIES!

Crowd: (applauds) Huzzah!

Ben: Finally! My people!

Act III
(Scene cuts to the garage.)

Tom: If I can't dance, what am I going to do in the Founders' Day Parade?

(Hank is seen throwing popcorn into the air and catching the kernels with his tongue.)

Ginger: Okay, check out what Hank is doing. You could impress the crowd by catching food in your mouth.

Tom: Uh, what does that have to do with the town?

Ginger: Uh, it's like the popcorn is crunchy, you know, and you're a good mayor, so then, the thing is, I don't know, you figure it out. Popcorn me, Hank!

Hank: Here it comes!

(Hank throws two pieces of popcorn and Ginger catches both in his tongue. He runs into the couch while trying to catch a third.)

Tom: Yeah, I'm not sure that'll set the exact tone I'm going for as mayor, but thanks.

Angela: There's not going to be much you can do with a busted wheel. Hm... I've got it! What if you sing?

Tom: (sings off-key) But I'm a terrible singer!

Angela: (sings) Maybe a little higher!

Tom: Y-you mean like (sings with higher tone) ...this?

Angela: (sings higher) No, more like this!

(Angela and Tom sings a note together. Ginger giggles at them and Ben enters.)

(Ben finds Ginger catching kernels and Tom and Angela vocalizing on the couch. He groans in annoyance.)

Tom: Hey, Ben! (points to hat) What is that crazy square thing on your head?

Ben: It's not a "crazy square thing," it's my official S.M.A.R.T.I.E.S. headgear. You probably have not heard of them, the Super Mentally Advanced Really Truly Intellectually Endowed Society.

Hank: Huh, I thought you said they were called the S.M.A.R.T.I.E.S.

Ben: (pats Hank's head) Oh, Hank. The gaping chasm between us has never been more apparent.

(Hank blinks in confusion.)

Angela: Oh, I get it now. Ben joined a hat club. Good job, Ben!

Ben: (groans) This is what I was talking about before. It's like we're not even speaking the same vernacular.

Tom: (taps Ben's nose) Or the same language.

Ben: But that's- ugh.

Act IV
(Scene cuts to Ben's office. Ben types on the computer while being watched by the male and female scientist.)

Angela: Hey, you must be the S.M.A.R.T.I.E.S.

Ben: Ah, yes. This is my friend, Angela. She's a singer.

Female Scientist: Oh, a vocalist! So, what do you sing about?

Angela: Mostly love. Oh, and friendship!

Female Scientist: (snickers) Love and friendship! (scoffs) How original. Are you for or against it? Let me guess, for!

Angela: Definitely for!

(The male and female scientists laugh mockingly. Ben nervously joins in.)

(A montage is shown of incidents where the scientists act rudely to the friends. Hank turns on the TV, but the channel is changed to a science channel. The female scientist nudges Hank aside on the couch.)

(Ginger throws a paper airplane. The male scientist folds a larger plane and throws it. The scientist's plane knocks Ginger's to the floor. The scientist laughs.)

(Tom tries on an outfit and looks at himself in the mirror. The female scientist appears and writes equations on the mirror with a red marker.)

(End of montage. Scene cuts to the kitchen. Ben sips from a mug and notices Tom's outfit. Tom wears a cowboy hat and mayor sash and holds a walking cane.)

Ben: Ah, I see you've got a hat, too?

Tom: Yeah, parade's today, and I'm going to make this limp work for me by doing my old prospector character. (in frail voice) Oh, cinnamon and gravy! I done staked my claim out yonder!

Ben: We-ell, that is... horrid. Do you know who would come up with something a little bit better? The SMARTIES.

Tom: Yeah, maybe they could teach me how to be a jerky know-it-all.

Ben: What?! They're not jerky. They're just smart!

Angela: Hey, Tom, you ready to get your parade on? Hey, Ben! Did you finally ditch those rotten SMARTIES?

Ben: Everybody lay off. I like the SMARTIES. They're just like me.

Tom: They're not just like you. They're mean and snobby.

Ben: You're just jealous I finally have friends that are my intellectual peers!

(The scientists enter. The female scientist carries an invention. It resembles the Brainerator, but is larger and is carried on wheels.)

Male Scientist: Now, Ben, we've got a surprise for you.

Female Scientist: It's a surprise for all of you!

Ben: A bigger Brainerator! Usually, we make tech smaller, but you've done the unexpected.

Male Scientist: Yes, we reverse-engineered your invention to create the No-Brainerator!

Female Scientist: (speaks into invention) The sun's circumference is more than 4.3 million kilometers, and its core temperature is 15 million degrees.

No-Brainerator: (in Tom's voice) The... sun... is big... and hot!

(The scientists laugh.)

Tom: Whoa, hey, hey, hey, that sounds like me.

Male Scientist: (chuckles) Yes, it is you! (to Angela and Hank) But I don't want you to feel left out.

No-Brainerator: (in Angela's voice) The sun is big and hot!

(The scientists laugh.)

No-Brainerator: (in Hank's voice) The sun is big and hot!

(Ben nervously joins the scientists and laughs.)

Hank: I've got to admit, it's a good impression of me.

Angela: Hank, it's embarrassing!

Hank: Only if you care what they think.

Tom: Hank, that... that's true. Huh. I don't care if these guys try to embarrass me. I know who my real friends are. (in prospector's voice) So have fun with your SMARTIES, Ben. I reckon it's time for the parade. I think I saw it over yonder.

Ben: Um, m-hm.

Male Scientist: Huh, they were too dumb to even to be insulted!

(The scientists laugh.)

Male Scientist: Delightful!

(Ben pushes over the No-Brainerator, breaking it into pieces.)

Male Scientist: The No-Brainerator!

Ben: Tom was right. You really are a bunch of jerky know-it-alls. I'm quitting the SMARTIES.

(Scene cuts to the parade. Tom is on a float.)

Tom: (in prospector voice) I stake my claim on this here town!

(The crowd boos Tom.)

Woman: Ah, the mayor's routine makes no sense.

Man: Boo!

(Tom sits down in a chair.)

Angela: Tom, we have to do something else! Maybe we can dance you!

Tom: Wha...?

(Hank and Ginger holds up Tom's chair. The crowd cheers.)

(Tom loses his balance. Hank and Ginger fail to rebalance Tom, and Tom is about to fall of the edge of the float.)

(Just before Tom falls, Ben holds the chair, saving Tom.)

Tom: Huh?

Ben: Gotcha.

(Ben pulls Tom back onto the float. They fall into a pile.)

Tom: Aw.

Ben: (gets up) Is there room on the float for one more, friend?

Tom: Are you here to make fun of us again? Because if you are, make it quick.

Ben: No, I'm here to help you guys... my real friends, i-if you'll let me.

Tom: Hmm... uh, well... uh... inherently, Ben. Inherently.

Ben: Well, that's not what "inherently" means. I think you- oh, who cares?! Let's move to the mayor's groove!

(Ben plays a song. They dance and the crowd continues cheering.)

(Credits roll)