Assertive App/Transcript

Tom: Hey Ben, ready with that app for Angela?

Ben: This stupid computer is being stupid again!

Tom: You can’t remember your own password? I thought you were an expert.

Ben: I am an expert! Which is why I made my password completely uncrackable.

Tom: Have you tried turning it off and on again? Let me get in there.

Ben: Tom, Tom, Tom. There’s no way you’d ever be able to crack your way in. There are more possible password combinations than there are stars in the galaxy.

Tom: Let me see, if I were Ben... Kayak… Hey Ben, how old are you?

Ben: Twenty-two. Why?

Tom: Kayak… twenty-two. I’m in.

* Theme Song*

Tom: Hi Angela, how’s the crowd there? Found any terrible singers yet?

Angela: I don’t think that will be a problem. Here, listen for yourself!

Tom: Great! Start the show and I’ll be there ASAP. Okay, Angela is about to start guys, so let’s hurry up and get this demo video done.

Hank: Ready when you are! What is it?

Tom: The most awesome app ever created!

Hank: Really?!! You mean it makes strawberry-banana smoothies?!

Tom: No, it’s the Sing Like A Pro App. It’ll take even the most bland, non-musical

voice and make it sound like an angel. Ben, say something.

Ben: Are you saying my voice is… bland, boring, and robotic! How dare you!

Hank: A glass-breaking app! Brilliant!

Tom: Just stand over there and read the words on the card.

Hank: Tom and Angela's Sing Like a Pro demonstration video. Take one! Probably not gonna work.

Hank:  Welcome to Tom and Angela’s Sing Like a Pro App.

Tom:  Okay, cut, cut. Leaf blower. Let’s try that again.

Ben: Take two.

Hank: Welcome to Tom and Angela’s... Welcome to the... Welcome...

Tom: Someone should go say something.

Ben: Agreed. I think that someone should be you.

Tom: Me?! Why me?

Ben: I’m the brains, you’re the... mouth.

Tom: That’s so true! What if he gets all mad like... “You have a problem with me doing my job?!” He might even want to fight us or something! Maybe we can get someone to go out and ask him to be quiet. But who?

Hank: You know, if this were an episode of the sitcom “Dr. Professor & The Surfing Ghost,” their clueless friend would pop in right about now and they’d just make him do it. Too bad you guys don’t know anyone like that. Mr. Gardener, Sir... But we’re trying to shoot something Sir... Sir, could you excuse me... He wasn’t listening.

Ben: We need to try another approach.

Tom: I’ve got it! Just hack into the leaf blower’s engine and shut it down, you know, with the internet and stuff!

Ben: Tom, Tom, Tom. Leaf blowers don’t typically have internet access... But... I guess I could tap into the city wifi... and direct it at the engine’s spark plug...

Tom: Yeah! We did it! Now, let’s hurry up and finish this commercial before something else starts. And action…

Hank: Welcome to Tom and Angela’s...

Tom: What’s with that guy?

Angela: Thank you! Is everyone having a good time? Who out there would like to be the first one to test my new Angela’s Sing like a Pro App?

Ben: What else could we do to make this guy be quiet?

Tom: We’ve tried everything!

Hank: I guess this is our life now!

Ginger: Excuse me, Sir! Your machine is too loud. Will you please turn it off?

Tom: Did you... see that? Are we so lame that a seven year old is better at talking to adults than we are?

Ben: Next time we feel intimidated, we shouldn’t hide and hope the problem goes away... we should be direct and assertive and…

Tom: build some kind of app that makes people do what we want!

Tom: An app that makes a person more assertive is an interesting idea...

Tom: An Assertive App!

Tom: I know, I could re-program our dumb singing app to make us sound more authoritative… That’s something.

Tom: Wait, I feel like we’re forgetting something. Hm... Nah…

Angela: Where are you all going? I’m sure they’ll be here soon! Just wait a few more minutes. It’ll be worth it. Tom and Ben didn’t show. I’m gonna have to have a talk about manners next time I see them.

Tom: Just one more…Voilà! Introducing The Assertive App: the first app that transforms fear and insecurity into confident commands that will be obeyed!

Tom: So if I were to say... Ben, get me some strudel juice! It works!

Tom: I couldn’t resist your command. Your voice was so…

Tom: Assertive?

Tom: Yeah.

(Both): Beta test!

Tom: Ginger! Drop and give me ten pushups!

Tom: Attention Mail Carrier! I want my letters folded into paper airplanes flown through the window. No junk mail!

Hank: Ok. Ok… Bake me a cake!

Tom: It actually only works if you use it on a person, Hank.

Hank: Aw, too bad. Doesn’t cake sound so good right now?

Tom: Bake us a cake! That thing is gonna make us rich! It just doesn’t get any better than this, does it?

Angela: Do either of you want to tell me where you were?

Tom: Angela! We totally forgot.

Angela: You forgot?!

Tom: You see, I had such a genius app idea that…

Angela: That you thought it was okay to abandon your friend?! But no, you couldn’t call or text or send an email...

Tom: Angela, I,command you to forgive Tom. And refill my strudel juice!

Angela: Get it yourself!

Tom: Angela, wait! Angela, wait!

Hank: Why didn’t that thing work on Angela?

Tom: I guess it’s possible Angela’s musical brain waves are so strong…

Ginger: The tables have turned!

Tom: Hey! Put that down! It’s not a toy!

Ginger: Give me a candy!

Tom: Okay, you got your candy. Now hand it over.

Ginger: I have a better idea! Build me a jetpack! They started it.

Tom: You are right. I should’ve called or sent a text.

Angela: Or shown up like you said you would.

Tom: We were going to, but then we came up with a new app that - can you keep a secret? Might just make the world a better place.

Ginger: Attention people of the world! I am your new king! Bring me all your candy! Now!

Tom: Of course, there’s still a few kinks we need to work out.

Ginger: Wait! Take out the raisins! Thats does’t count as candy! Raisins are fruit. Bring me candy!

Tom: We have to get that thing away from Ginger.

Hank: What about Angela?

Angela: Me?

Hank: Yeah, You’re musical brain waves are so strong that they somehow nullify all the authority out of the Assertive App... Or you’re just strong-willed and independent.

Ginger: Tom! Feed me candy! Now!

Tom: No way Ginger I’m gonna…ok fine. Angela, you may be the only one who can stop him.

Angela: I’m kind of busy right now...

Ginger: Angela! You’re too clean. Go dump a bucket of dirt on your head and wash your hair in the toilet!

Angela: *Singing* You think you can boss me around? Let’s see you come down here and try it!

Ginger: Hey, something’s wrong?

Angela: And that’s the last thing you’ll ever order me to do! Mic drop.

Ginger: I admit it. I’m not perfect. If I had to do it all over again... I would have eaten the candy faster.

Tom: Let’s take it from the top.

Tom: Tom and Angela’s Sing Like a Pro App. Take 47!

Hank: Welcome to Tom and Angela’s Sing like a… Leaf blower!

(Tom and Ben) What??

Ginger: Fine, I’ll do it... but only if Hank cleans up my mess for me.

Hank: Better you than me Hank... wait a minute... OK.

(Episode Ends)