Who is Billy?/Transcript

(The scene shows Angela planting a sprout in the driveway garden. There is also an apple tree in the garden.)

Angela: This garage garden is great! Your yard looks way better than it did with a broken-down taxi in it.

Tom: Yeah! I'm still not sure how that taxi disappeared, but I'm glad we replaced it with something that really makes us proud.

(Trembles are heard.)

Tom and Angela: Huh?

(Roy appears on a tree being carried by a pickup truck.)

Roy: Hey, neighbor! Looks like we're both sprucin' up our yards, huh?

Angela: Whoa! What is that?

Roy: This? Oh, it's just a rare and exotic plant I'm gonna put in my garden. It's still officially undiscovered. (picks fruit and bites into it)

Tom: Roy... that is... really cool!

Angela: Huh?

Tom: Looks like me and you are plant pals!

Roy: Ha! I guess we are. Plant pals! See you around, plant pal! (leaves)

Tom: Not if I see you first! (walks inside)

(Ben, Ginger and Hank appear.)

Angela: Huh?

(Scene cuts to the upstairs bedroom. Tom is polishing a telescope and whistling.)

Ben: (clears throat) Did you just not get mad at Roy, even though he was being really Roy-ish?

Tom: I've been busy lately with a bunch of new hobbies, so I haven't really had time for Roy.

Angela: Well, good for you. You know, that whole Tom-Roy rivalry thing was going nowhere.

Hank: Plus, sometimes it made you seem like a jerk. Ooh, I'm glad that's over! (leans on lava lamp)

Tom: No, Hank! Don't touch that!

Hank: Why?

(The lava lamp tips over, activating a secret contraption.)

Hank: Huh!

(A table appears with spy gear on it. A bulletin board also appears.)

Hank: Huh?

Angela: What?

(A blackboard appears and a monitor turns on, spying on Roy.)

(The telescope rotates, maps appear.)

Ginger: What?!

(A dartboard shows with Roy's picture on it.)

(All gasp.)

Tom: This is... awkward.

(Theme song plays)

(Angela inspects a stack of paper on the table.)

Angela: This is outrageous! Roy's pictures, old report cards, texts with Billy, emails with Billy- wait, who's Billy?

(On the laptop is a picture of "Billy," a young boy with glasses and braces.)

Tom: (chuckles) Well, okay. Billy is... me.

Ben and Ginger: What?!

Hank: No!

Tom: He's a fake online identity that I created so that I could talk to Roy and get clues about what he is up to.

(Tom shows several images of Roy on his laptop.)

Tom: Roy loves taking credit for helping people, right? So, I made up someone who needed a lot of help. I reached out to Roy and...

(A message of Roy's voice is played.)

Roy (message): Hey, Billy!

Tom: Bingo-bango!

Ginger: You lied about who you were on the Internet?!

Angela: (sternly) You're gonna delete this entire Billy profile right now.

Ben: What if people found out you did this? You'd be called a lunatic and a creep! And so would we for being your friends!

Ginger: Come on, Tom, do it!

Tom: Oh, but come on, I- (sighs) Fine. Forget my cool plan. I'll wipe Billy off the Internet. (hits delete button) There. Happy now?

Angela: It's a start.

(Scene cuts to the kitchen. Tom is forced to wash dishes.)

Tom: Seriously?! I have to do punishment dishes? Ah, you guys do not get me!

Ginger: Keep scrubbin', "Billy."

Hank: (sighs) Nipped that in the bud. It's nice to deal with something before it spirals out of control.

(Roy suddenly enters.)

Roy: I need help! Something terrible happened and I don't know what to do! My buddy, Billy, is... missing!

(The friends gasp. Tom chuckles nervously.)

(Scene cuts to Roy's mansion. Roy eats ice cream, sobbing.)

Angela: So, Roy, who is this Billy guy?

Roy: Billy and I were friends on the Internet. He thought of me as his mentor. (blows nose) He was so inspired by me that he was starting to follow his own dream. (sobs) To become an astronaut! Billy lived in a cave, but he had so much potential.

Ben: Billy lived in a cave?

Tom: I think that's a really interesting thing about his character.

Angela: Well, Roy, maybe Billy just got rid of his computer.

Roy: No, you just don't understand! Billy wouldn't just vanish like this, he... let me try to explain.

(Roy sits at the piano and begins playing.)

Roy: (sings)

Oh, Billy, my buddy,

You came to me in your time of need,

And though I never ever met you before,

I helped you, indeed.

And even though you lived far off (far...),

Man: Billy!

We became the closest bros, (aaah...)

The things I taught you

Stuck with you like sweaty clothes!

Am I some sort of hero?

''Well, that's just not for me to say. (say...)''

But I know that Billy thought I was,

And now he's gone away.

Man: Billy!

And now he's gone away...

Hank: Oh.

(The choir cheers.)

Tom: (clears throat) That... was weirdly beautiful.

Roy: Yeah. I know.

Tom: But you can't just sit around worrying about some random person on the Internet.

Roy: (stutters) But Billy was- wait, Tom. You're right.

Tom: I am? I mean, I am! So, are we done here?

Roy: I can't just sit around worrying about Billy. I have to find Billy!

(The crowd cheers.)

Tom: Uh, that's not what I meant.

Roy: I know hundreds of people! I'll contact them all. I'll call in every favor I can! I'll start the biggest manhunt in the world!

(Tom gulps worriedly.)

(A reporter appears on TV.)

Reporter: We interrupt our regularly-scheduled news to bring you this special announcement from Roy.

Tom: Oh

Roy: Thanks, Neil, you can go.

Neil: Well, but-

Roy: I want to talk to all of you about a man named Billy. A missing man who we need to find.

Tom: (quietly) I can't believe it!

(Scene cuts outside. Tom walks in the streets to see people searching for Billy.)

Man: We're looking for Billy.

Woman: Have you seen Billy?

Tom: Huh?

(Hot air balloons appear in the sky.)

Man: (runs around) Billy! Billy! Billy!

Tom: Oh, no.

(Tom sees a music video being filmed. A choir sings.)

Choir: (sings)

Billy, Billy, come back,

Billy, Billy, come back,

Please, please, please...

Tom: Not too many people are gonna see this music video, right?

Roy: Are you kidding? Lots of people will. I'm sending it to my influencer friends now and... yep! It's gone viral!

Tom: Oh, great.

Choir: Come back, Billy!

Man: Billy!

(Scene cuts to the diner. Several people are searching for Roy.)

Searcher: (hands flyers) Join the cause, whatever you can do.

Searcher 2: (takes flyer) Yes, ma'am.

Searcher 3: (to phone) You have a goldfish named Billy? Yeah, no, we're looking for a human being.

Searcher 4: We've been looking for him everywhere!

Pilar: I printed out some Billy posters to put on telephone poles in town.

Hank: I wonder if Billy was hiking near his cave and fell in a hole--

Tom: Hank, Billy isn't real. Remember?

Hank: Oh, yeah.

Tom: This is out of control. I need to stop Roy.

(Tom pushes past several searchers to get to Roy.)

Roy: (holds phone) Tom, great news! This little gizmo is gonna solve our big mystery, and it's all thanks to you.

Tom: Yeah. I sure inspired you to do all this. Uh, w-what is this thing?

Roy: It's a person tracker, you goofball! It locates the source of any online message. All we need to do is put Billy's last messages into this thing, and it will tell us where he was when he sent them!

Tom: (realizes, in horror) Oh-oh. Hmm.

(The tracker locates Billy.)

Roy: It's got a make on him!

Tom: Oh, boy.

Roy: We're coming, Billy! (leaves)

(The search party leaves to follow Roy.)

Search Party: (sings)

Billy, Billy, come back,

Billy, Billy, come back,

Billy, Billy, come back,

Billy, Billy, come back.

Tom: Oh, this is awful.

Ben: You wrote all those Billy messages in our garage, didn't you?

Tom: They won't stop looking for Billy until they find me!

Hank: Ooh, they're like me when I watched The Guy Who Disappeared: Part 1.

(The scene shows an empty living room, depicting a missing man.)

Hank: It ended on a huge cliffhanger and I freaked out until I watched The Guy Who Disappeared: Part 2 and learned where the guy was.

(The scene shows the "missing man" in the bathroom.)

Tom: That's it! If we want people to stop looking for Billy, we have to show them how his story ends. Come on, follow me! (leaves)

All: Huh?

(Scene shows the search party moving towards the garage.)

Search Party: Billy! Billy! Billy! (indistinct chatter)

Roy: We're close to Billy's last known location!

(The party continues singing Billy, Come Back.)

(Roy approaches the garage.)

Roy: Hey, that's weird. Billy always told me he lived really far away.

(Roy receives a call from Billy.)

Roy: (gasps) Billy?! (exclaims, answers call) Billy? Is that you?

(Tom is on the other end, pretending to be Billy.)

Tom (as Billy): It sure is!

Roy: Billy!

Women: Billy!

(Women in the crowd squeal.)

(Tom, pretending to be Billy, is in a space suit in front of a alien-planet-themed backdrop.)

Billy: Look, Roy, I'm an astronaut now!

Roy: Wow!

Billy: I went to space!

(The crowd cheers.)

Billy: I'm sorry about my sudden, unexplained disappearance, but the last time we chatted, I was inspired to start following my dream right away!

Roy: And your dream was to be an astronaut. Oh, Billy, you did it!

Billy: I was so confident because of what you taught me.

Roy: And I inspired you to do it!

Billy: They put me on a secret mission to be the first guy on Mars, but I had to tell the guy who made it all possible... you!

Roy: Yeah, me. Billy, that's great! When will you be coming home?

(Angela, disguised as an alien, appears.)

Angela (as alien): Help! I'm the Princess of Mars, and those two Mars goons are chasing me!

(Hank and Ginger are disguised as aliens.)

Woman in crowd: Help the princess!

Billy: Don't worry, princess. (touches princess)

Princess: Ah! Ah, watch out!

Billy: These Mars goons are no match for Billy! (holds up lollipop)

(The crowd cheers.)

("Billy" fights the "Mars goons" with the lolipop.)

Ginger (as alien): Watch the hands!

Roy: Whoa! Whoa!

(Billy continues fighting the aliens.)

Roy: Get ‘em!

("Billy" wins the fight. The crowd cheers.)

Roy: Yes!

Billy: (whispers to aliens) Get out!

Princess: You saved me, Billy! Will you be my boyfriend now?

Billy: If you insist- (mimics static) Oh, no, Roy, my phone is running out of batteries and there's no way to- (mimics static) for me to ever charge it again up here. But as you can see, (mimics static) I'm totally happy now and everything's gonna be fantastic. Thanks for everything. Bye!

(The call ends.)

(The crowd cheers.)

Roy: Goodbye, Billy. Our search is over! Billy's in space, like he always wanted to be!

Man: Billy!

(The crowd leaves.)

Tom: Everyone is going home! We did it!

Angela: Oh, are you kidding me? You're not even close to being off the hook. You've got some dishes to do, buddy.

(There is a large stack of dirty dishes by the sink.)

Tom: Aw!

(Scene cuts to Roy's garden. Roy is picking fruit, humming Billy, Come Back.)

(Roy notices the costumes in Tom's trash.)

Roy: Huh? (gasps, growls angrily) Almost well played, Tom! But now I think it's time you and I finished our rivalry once and for all.

(Credits roll)