The Cursed Game/Transcript

(The friends are on their tablets and phones. Ginger walks in with a stack of board games.)

Ginger: Who's ready for Family Game Night?

Tom: Oh, yeah!

Angela: I love Family Game Night! All of you are going down!

Hank: Ooh, what do we play this time! Sugar City? Oh, no, Medical Procedure! Ooh, Apologize!

Tom: Easy, Hank. Before we pick a game, we have to pick who picks the game, using... (carries a spinning wheel) the Wheel of Choosing!

Ginger: Yeah, I call dibs on spinning! Woo! (spins the wheel)

(The friends whoop in anticipation.)

(The spinner lands on Ben's section. The friends groan.)

Ben: Huzzah!

Ginger: Can I spin again? Ben always picks super-complicated, impossible nerd games that nobody understands.

Ben: Worry not, my friends. This time I've got something new.

(Ben searches a location and brings back a big box.)

Ben: A mysterious game I found in an old curio shop. The cashier said it just appeared on a shelf one day. Then he cackled, which I take to mean that the game is a lot of fun. It's called "Welcome to the Dungeon."

Tom: I don't know, Ben. Are you sure we won't need graph paper for this?

Ben: Relax. I know I've made picks that you didn't love before, but this game is going to be... (Ben opens the box, causing a demonic green light to shine.) completely different.

(The box sucks the friends inside.)

(theme song)

(The friends appear shrunk in the game box.)

Tom: Where are we? And what did you do?

Ben: I didn't do anything?

Angela: Oh, no, I think we're in the game!

Ben: Well, that's just preposterous!

(A hooded figure appears.)

Dungeon Defenter: Welcome... to the dungeon, the game where you must survive a perilous world and defeat the Diamond Dust Dragon.

(A board game mover resembling a dragon falls into the box.)

Dungeon Defenter: For 2-6 players.

Angela: What's preposterous now, Ben?

Tom: Hold on, we were just supposed to play a board game. Now, you're saying that we have to go on some fantasy adventure and fight a dragon? I mean, that sounds... amazing!

Ginger: Yeah! Ultimate Family Game Night!

Hank: How's the game go, dungeon dude?

Dungeon Defenter: First you must choose a character card.

(A deck of giant cards appears. The friends each pick one card.)

Ben: (reads card) Neat! I'm a noble knight. (set of armor appears on Ben.)

Ginger: (reads card) An archer thief! This fits.

Hank: (reads card) A wizard! Your wish is my command!

Angela: (reads card) A fearsome barbarian? Nice! (roars)

Tom: You guys look great, but get ready for me, because I'm... (Tom is shown wearing a dress and wig) the sheltered princess? Aw!

Ginger: Nice dress, m'lady! (kisses Tom's hand)

(The friends teleport into an open world with stone platforms.)

Dungeon Defenter: Now I will explain the rules of-

Tom: (interrupts) Whoa, we can figure it out as we go along. Let's just start playing. Right, guys?

Dungeon Defenter: Very well, enjoy your... game! (cackles)

Hank: (laughs) He's laughing, I'm laughing, we're having fun! This is going to be great!

(montage of friends playing game)

(The friends cross a suspension bridge over a river.)

(Ben spins a wheel that turns the room upside down.)

(A group of crabs block the way.)

Angela: Barbarian smash! (roars)

(Angela strikes the wall with her club, knocking the crabs out of the way.)

Hank: Alakazam!

(One of the crabs put on a pair of glasses.)

(Concludes montage)

(The friends traverse a path of floating rocks to reach the final dungeon.)

Ben: (laughs) See guys? It's fun!

Tom: I love this game! Come on, let's keep going.

Angela: Come on, guys!

(The friends enter the final dungeon.)

Ben: This is it! The lair of the dragon!

Hank: Woo-hoo! Hey, Ben, sorry we doubted you. But I gotta admit, you really picked a great game! Good job.

(The Dungeon Defenter appears.)

Dungeon Defenter: Welcome to the final dungeon of Welcome to the Dungeon! (cackles) Please turn in any amulets of power you might have collected on your journey.

Tom: What is an amulet?

Dungeon Defenter: Did anyone manage to find the three Crystals of Color? The Lever of Levelling Up? The Pickle of Power?

Ginger: What are you talking about? We didn't know about any of that.

Dungeon Defenter: I see. Well, this is going to hurt. (pushes friends to an abyss and disappears)

(The dragon appears. It breathes fire on the friends, who are then teleported back to the start.)

Tom: Oh, oh, wow. We're not dragon-fried. But we're back at the start of the game. What happened?

(The Dungeon Defenter appears.)

Dungeon Defenter: You were defeated by the Diamond Dust Dragon! Sorry about that! (cackles)

Hank: That's okay, we'll get it next time. See you on the next game night, stone guy!

(Hank tries to leave, but can't find an exit.)

Hank: How do we get out of here?

Dungeon Defenter: You simply have to beat the dragon! And unless you do, you're trapped forever! (cackles)

Ginger: (gasps) Ben, you are never allowed to pick a game ever again!

Ben: What? There's no way I could have known about this!

Dungeon Defenter: Sure there is! It's all explained in the official game rules.

(A large rulebook appears.)

Tom: (reads book) Inventory management? Character statistics? Upgrade tokens? Aw, I should have known! This is one of Ben's super-complicated impossible nerd games that no one understands.

Ben: Uh, uh, I mean, okay! I heard about Welcome to the Dungeon. It's a legendary nerd game no one ever beat! I thought that was because no one was up to the challenge!

Dungeon Defenter: Nope, it's because everyone who ever played got trapped inside.

Ginger: (gasps) How could you do this to me?!

Tom: Yeah, what were you thinking?

Hank: Great game, Ben!

Ben: Everybody calm down! I can defeat the dragon for you, okay? I'm good at games like this! I like 'em! So you just sit back and let me fix everything.

(Ben walks past the starting archway, but is turned into a crab.)

(all scream)

Tom: What did you do?

Dungeon Defenter: He broke a major rule of Welcome to the Dungeon! This game is for 2-6 players, not one player! If you break a major rule, you become a cave crab. It happens to everyone eventually. (cackles)

Angela: What are we going to do? No one's as good at games as Ben!

(Scene cuts to Jeremy in garage)

Jeremy: Hey guys, I ordered a bucket of sludge three days ago. It says it was delivered, but, oh, hello, where is everybody? Ooh, this must be one of them Family Game Nights I've heard about! Hank? Ginger? Hello? Oh, maybe they're-

(Jeremy is sucked into the game box.) (Jeremy lands near the friends in the starting place. He is dressed as a fairy.)

Tom: Oh, no, Jeremy, you too?

Jeremy: Huh- wh- wh- where am I?

Angela: We're trapped in a game and the only way out is to beat it. And the rules are very confusing.

Hank: Also, Ben is a crab now.

Jeremy: Oh! Trapped?! Trapped?! No, I can't be trapped! A germ needs space to spread.

Ginger: Then help us figure out the difference between "backup mana" and "reserve magic?" Except you can't, because this whole stupid thing is impossible!

Jeremy: Well, if I had to guess, I'd say "backup mana" lets you cast more spells, and "reserve magic" lets you cast, uh, bigger spells, maybe?

Tom: Yeah, that kinda almost makes sense.

Jeremy: I'm good at rules. I had to learn the rules of the "big people" world. Even the crazy ones like toilet flushing.

(The friends take the next several days studying the rulebook.)

Jeremy: Guys, I have a plan.

(Scene cuts to friends, who have redone the game and are at the final dungeon. The Dungeon Defenter appears.)

Dungeon Defenter: (chuckles) Welcome back! Are you ready for a rematch? Reveal your amulets, crystals, and Pickles of Power.

Tom: We don't have any of that, but we have something better. A good understanding of this game's rules.

Dungeon Defenter: Ha! No one understands this game. That's why it's so challenging. (dragon appears) Prepare for your dragony doom!

(The dragon roars and whips his tail.)

Jeremy: Right, boss, rule violation. The dragon cannot roar and slam its tail in one turn. That is considered two separate actions.

Dungeon Defenter: Good point. Dragon, do it right.

(The dragon ducks down and back up again, roaring without whipping its tail. It then attacks Tom.)

Tom: Uh, rule violation. You can't attack the sheltered princess yet, because of all the shelter.

Dungeon Defenter: Grr... all right, fine.

Hank: Uh, rule violation. I cast lightning at Level 3. But that was clearly...

(The friends continue calling out the Dungeon Defenter's numerous rule violations.)

All: Rule violation! Rule violation! Rule violation!

(The Dungeon Defenter snaps)

Dungeon Defenter: (yells, causing a rock to fall on the friends) Enough of this! You're making this not fun! Dragon, blast them!

(The dragon prepares to breathe fire on them.)

Ginger: Rule violation!

Dungeon Defenter: Huh? What? What now?!

(Angela lifts the rocks off the friends.)

Tom: This is a game where you fight a dragon, not a dragon and a dungeon defender. So this is a rule violation of one of the major rules of this game.

Angela: And you know what happens to people who break the major rules.

Dungeon Defenter: Noooo! I hate when I don't win! I don't want to play anymore!

(The dragon and Dungeon Defenter are both transformed into cave crabs. They fall into the abyss.)

(The other crabs revert to their human selves. The friends cheer.)

Tom: We did it! (laughs)

(All are teleported back to the garage.)

Ben: Uh, wha-what happened? Did I save everyone with my knightly prowess?

Ginger: Not at all, Ben.

Jeremy: That wasn't impossible. All it took was some thinking and memorization.

Angela: Yeah, I almost had a good time.

Ben: Huh?

Angela: Almost.

Ben: Well, that's nice to hear, because I'm still in charge of Family Game Night! And I have a few more games that I want to try.

(Ben brings a stack of board games.)

(The nerds cheer.)

(The friends groan.)

(credits)