Hank vs. Vampires/Transcript

(Scene shows a salesman approaching on the garage door at night. Inside, Hank is seen watching TV. Hank yawns when the salesman knocks on the door.)

Hank: (opens door) Hello, uh, may I help you?

Salesman: Have you ever felt disappointed with... your television options? (laughs evilly)

Hank: Uh, no, I've never thought about that, but I'm thinking about it now.

(Tom and Angela appear. Tom clears his throat.)

(The salesman laughs nervously.)

Tom: Hank, what are you doing? Don't talk to a door-to-door salesman! (shakes Hank)

Angela: Yeah, back off, buddy! Go peddle your lies somewhere else.

Salesman: Oh, I am dreadfully sorry. I merely thought you might be interested in 500 television channels. (holds device)

Hank: (gasps) 500 channels? Tom, we should hear him out.

(Tom pulls Hank into the garage and closes the door.)

Tom: (to Hank) You can't trust a salesman. They'll say anything to try and make a sale!

Angela: And Tom should know, because he's basically a salesman.

Tom: Yeah. Wait, that was a compliment, right?

Angela: Um...

Tom: Eh, I'll take it as a compliment.

(Tom and Angela leave, leaving Hank alone.)

(Hank follows the salesman in the streets holding a jar of money. The salesman is whistling.)

Hank: Hey! Forget my friends. Here's some money. I need that gizmo!

Mysterious Man: Oh, this is a deal you assuredly will not regret! (laughs evilly)

Hank: (gives salesman the jar of coins and takes device) Why would I, right?

(The salesman laughs evilly.)

Hank: ...Right?

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to the living room. Ginger is reading on the couch when he sees Hank plugging the device into the television.)

Ginger: Ooh!

(Hank goes to the couch.)

Tom: So, you ignored us and bought the TV channels from the creepy guy, right?

Hank: Tom, it's not just TV channels, it's five hundred TV channels!

Tom: Fine, but don't complain when you realize that you bought a bunch of junk. (walks away)

Hank: Huh?

Ginger: (reads TV guide) Whoa, it says you get VTV, the vampire channel! It's so scary, the 'v's in the logo are fangs!

(Ginger shows the screen a picture of the VTV logo.)

(Hank cheers.)

Ginger: I'd never be allowed to watch this at home because I'd have nightmares! Let's watch it!

Hank: Oh, yeah!

(Hank hesitates at first, but then presses the "OK" button on his remote.)

(A man appears from a coffin on the television screen.)

Host: Welcome to the 13th season of ''Vampires Among Us: Fact or Fiction? It's Fact''.

Hank: 13th season?! I'm not caught up with the first 12 seasons!

Host: But before our 13th season premiere, we'll have a convenient marathon of our first 12 seasons- 74 hours of learning. (licks lollipop)

Hank: Ooh! This isn't going to be easy, but if I'm going to be the TV viewer I know I can be, then I've got a show to marathon!

(A short montage is shown of Hank preparing for the marathon by gathering items. Afterwards, Hank is seen watching the show.)

Host: ...and inside the grave was a bat! Fact or fiction? It's fact.

(Hank and Ginger scream.)

Ginger: (laughs) That was a good one! But it's a school night. I should probably get going.

Hank: Yeah, okay, good night! I've still got 71 hours left of this marathon to go.

Host: ...and we have no garlic!

(A montage is shown of Hank watching the show.)

Host: Vampires can take over a town without any non-vampires knowing. Remember, the greatest weapon against a vampire is knowledge.

(Hank slaps himself repeatedly to keep himself awake.)

(Scene cuts)

Host: No one is really safe from vampires. Not even... ghosts.

(Hank hugs his teddy bear.)

(Scene cuts. Hank is finishes using the toilet.)

Host: Sally didn't believe in vampires. Too bad vampires believed in her.

(Hank hides himself under a blanket.)

(Scene cuts.)

Host: The most dangerous vampires are the ones closest to us. It could be your spouse...

Hank: Whew, don't have to worry about that!

Host: It could be your best friend/roommate.

(Hank screams.)

(End of montage. Hank hides behind the couch. Just then, Tom appears.)

Tom: (turns off TV) Hank, we need to talk. You've been watching this show for over a day. You need to take a break.

Hank: I can't do that, Tom. There are vampires among us. I need to stay informed. (turns on TV)

Tom: (eerily) Let's just go for a walk. It's a nice night.

Hank: N-no, I'm busy!

(Tom disappears.)

Hank: Tom? Where- where'd you go, Tom? (distressed) Hello? Is anybody there?

Host: Your own home could be a vampire den, so you have to look for the signs. A house that has vampires will definitely have no garlic.

Hank: Phew! We have garlic, right in the kitchen on our garlic plate-

(The garlic plate is empty.)

Hank: (gasps) Help me, TV! Tell me what to do!

Host: We'll be back after these short messages from our sponsors.

(A commercial is played.)

Commercial: (sings)

Garlic fries,

Garlic pies,

You know what our food implies,

We love garlic!