The Audition/Transcript

  (Scene shows Tom being recorded in the garage.)

Tom: (to viewers) Are you ready? I hope you're ready, because I am definitely ready! What am I ready for? I'll tell you what I'm ready for! I'm ready for you, TV producers, to give me my own show.

(The camera falls slightly.)

Tom: Aw, Ginger, pay attention!

(Ginger is holding the camera.)

Ginger: Sorry, Tom, not sorry.

Tom: Okay, here it is: the Talking Tom Reality TV Show audition video!

(A cartoony introduction of Tom is shown onscreen.)

(Scene cuts to the living room. Tom sits on the couch.)

Tom: Now, I'm not gonna come on here and be like, "Oh, producers, please, please, please, give me a reality show." No. I don’t need to do that. Why? Because I know when you see my friends and my cool life, you’re gonna be like... “Oh, Tom, please, please, please, let us give you a reality show!"

(Scene cuts.)

Tom: Uh, hey, uh, probably being paranoid, but I just wanted you to make sure that you knew I was just kidding when I was acting like you were going to be begging me to do a reality show. Okay? Okay. (walks offscreen) And cut! Thanks, Ginger.

(Angela enters.)

Angela: Tom!

Tom: Hey, Angela!

Angela: I got here as quickly as I could. Your message said it was urgent. Is everything okay?

Tom: Yes! I'm finally filming my reality show audition tape!

Angela: Oh, not really interested...

Tom: Uh... now, Angela, I need you to check the acoustics for our new reality TV confession booth. (shows bathroom)

Angela: Tom, it's a bathroom!

Tom: Well, yeah! People sound great in the bathroom. That's why they sing in the shower.

Angela: There's no shower in here! There's just a toilet.

Tom: Shower, toilet, use your imagination.

Angela: What? Use my imagination? Are you kidding me right now?!

(Tom closes the door.)

Tom: That's our Angela. She's not only my good friend, but she is also... kind of a pop star. You might even know some of her songs.

(A cartoony introduction of Angela is shown. Angela is then seen singing onstage.)

Angela: (sings nervously) Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, baby, baby, baby...

Tom: (knocks door) “Yeah, yeah, baby, baby?” Why don't you sing one of your songs?

(Scene cuts to Angela speaking to the audience from the bathroom spraying perfume.)

Angela: I love Tom, but my manager thought it might hurt my career to sing one of my real songs on his crazy audition tape.

(Scene cuts to the garage's common area.)

Tom: As you can see, this is no ordinary neighbourhood garage. It’s what we call, “The Studio!” And it’s where I produce games and songs and apps with my best friend and business partner, Ben. Hey, Ben!

(Ben is working on his computer when he is electrocuted.)

Ben: Tom, aw! Please tell me that camera isn’t recording.

Tom: Are you kidding me? That was reality-TV gold!

(A cartoony introduction of Ben is shown.)

Tom: Ben here is the owner of all this high-tech expensive equipment.

Ben: Correct, Tom, so don’t you dare touch it.

Tom: Ben’s mom won’t let him keep his stuff at his house because a few too many, shall we say, (clears throat) “power surges” caused a few too many, shall we say, “the house fires.”

(A picture of Ben near a house on fire is shown.)

Ben: Not really my fault. Our electricity grid badly needs an upgrade.

Tom: So, Ben, can you tell us what kind of mind-blowing, life-changing, high-tech invention you’re working on?

Ben: I can, but I don’t see the reason why I would.

Tom: Oh, come on, Ben, tell us what it does!

Ben: Well, if you must know, this is a squirting-flower joke app.

(Ben's tablet shows a blue flower with a button on its stem.)

Tom: Ooh! What’s that button? (presses button)

Ben: No, no, no, no! Don’t push it!

(No water is sprayed.)

Tom: Hm, it doesn’t even work!

Ben: Well, it should.

(Ben pushes the button again. Water is sprayed into his mouth.)

Tom: (laughs) Now, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen you do!

Ben: What do you mean? I’m often very funny.

Tom: Uh... not really.

Ben: Uh, I am so!

Ginger: No.

Hank: Uh... nope.

Ben: Hmm. (to audience) You, reality show producers, you should know the following: yes, I’m a tech genius, but I also possess a well-rounded personality. For example, I can be whimsical.

(Scene shows Ben staring blankly while a chattering set of teeth move across the desk.)

Ben: I’m often spontaneous.

(Scene shows Ben throwing a handful of confetti.)

Ben: I’m organized...

(Scene shows Ben organizing colored pencils by color.)

Ben: ...in a fun way!

(The colored pencils are placed into Ben's nose and ears.)

Ben: And most of all, I’m humorous.

(Ben is wearing funny glasses and squeaks its clown nose.)

Tom: You’re humorous?

Ben: What? You don’t think I’m funny?

Tom: You know what? Forget I said anything. (starts leaving)

Ben: Oh, no, no, no, no, you’re not leaving until I have shown everyone that I am more than just the brains of this operation.

Tom: Please don’t.

(Ben stands in front of the camera.)

Ben: (clears throat) Hello, viewer, prepare to laugh at the following standup comedy humor presentation.

(Scene cuts to a comedy club. Ben is onstage.)

Ben: Joke number one. So yesterday I flew in from the west coast, and boy, are my arms tired.

(The audience does not laugh. Slow claps are heard.)

(Scene cuts back to the garage.)

Ben: So you see, Tom, the word “flew” has two different meanings, so...

Tom: Ben, if a joke is funny, you don’t need to explain why it’s funny!

Ben: Stop it, Tom, you’re embarrassing yourself. I have studied a lot more comedy than you have. Good day!

Tom: Oh, of course, the best comedy comes from a spreadsheet!

(Scene cuts to the bathroom.)

Angela: What are those two bickering about? Do they think that’s gonna impress the producers? And why am I talking to you instead of talking directly to them?

(Angela exits the bathroom to find Hank holding his crotch.)

Angela: Take over!

(Hank enters the bathroom.)

Hank: Oh, uh, hi! I’m Tom’s roommate, Hank. Um.. I’ve seen every sitcom made from 1986 to 1994... and… in France, I’m called Honk!

(A cartoony introduction of Hank is shown.)

Intro: Je t'aime, Hank!

(Hank exits the bathroom.)

Hank: Ginger? Oh, Ginger!

(Ginger is playing on his phone sitting on the stairs.)

Hank: Ginger, it’s your turn to talk!

Ginger: In a minute. I’m almost done...

Hank: Hey, that’s my phone! (picks up Ginger) I told you if you don’t behave, I’m gonna send you home.

Ginger: I’m sorry, Hank. Give me another chance. I’ll be good.

(A cartoony introduction of Ginger is shown.)

Intro: Ginger! Bad boy...

(Hank sits Ginger on the toilet.)

Hank: Well... okay.

Ginger: Hi, everybody. My name is Ginger, and I’m seven years old! And when I grow up, I wanna be just like my role model: Hank!

Hank: Aww! I’m the only one who disciplines the kid. That’s why he looks up to me- hey! Give me that!

(Ginger runs away with Hank's phone. Hank chases him.)

(Scene focuses on Tom, Ben, and Angela.)

Hank: Ginger! Ginger!

Angela: (to Tom and Ben) Have a seat on the couch and tell the producers about yourself. Tom, you start.

Tom: I’m what people call... a visionary. Some days I wake up and think, “Let’s see. Today, I’m gonna design a hot air balloon that can land on a passing asteroid.”

Ben: Except a hot air balloon can’t fly in space…

Tom: That’s a minor detail. Comments like that prove that you’re just not a visionary.

Ben: And you’re not a scientist.

Angela: You two are a great team. Tell us about some of the apps you’ve created.

Ben: Ooh! Tell her about the Ray Ray.

Tom: Oh, uh, why did you bring that up?

Ben: The “Ray Ray” was an app that used bursts of microwaves to locate people nearby named Ray.

Angela: Wow! Nobody needs that.

Tom: Well, maybe we should talk about Cook My Salmon, the app that makes your phone so hot it can cook salmon.

Ben: Which totally worked. It just drained your battery.

Tom: Ben, it set your pants on fire.

Angela: Really, guys? So, tell us how you first met.

Tom: Well, it was like a million years ago...

(Scene shows a picture of Tom and Ben as cavemen.)

Ben: No, it was 8.3 years ago.

(A cutaway is shown of Tom and Ben as children, bumping into each other in the street.)

Tom, Ben (in flashback): Cool!

Tom: 8.3? You are talking nonsense!

Ben: Nonsense? You’re the king of nonsense!

(Cutaways are shown. A hologram is shown of Tom running around.)

Tom: I am literally a hologram of positivity!

(Tom and Ben are seen at a board.)

Tom: No, the vibe I’m going for here is... “everyone’s got their own whatchamacallit.”

Angela: So, Tom, is there anything about Ben that gets on your nerves?

Tom: Hmmm...

(A flashback is shown of Tom touching an object on the desk.)

Ben: Don’t touch that!

(Tom touches Ben's computer.)

Ben: Don’t touch my computer screen.

(Tom touches Ben and giggles.)

Ben: Now you’re touching me!

(Ben tackles Tom.)

(Back to present day. Tom and Ben start fighting each other.)

Angela: Now, who wouldn’t wanna watch that on TV? (eats popcorn)

Ben: That’s it! I'm never going to work with you again! (leaves)

(Tom growls and leaves.)

(Scene cuts to Tom sitting on the stairs sadly.)

Hank: Hey, Tom! How’s it going?

Tom: Not so good. I don’t think my video is good enough to convince the TV producers to give me a reality show.

Hank: Then just turn it into a very special Christmas audition video.

Tom: Would that work?

Hank: Do you know that show, The Hermit Housewives of the Aran Islands?

Tom: Sure, everyone does.

Hank: They were almost cancelled, and then they turned every episode into a very special Christmas special.

Tom: Would that work for us?

Hank: Don’t ask me, ask this guy!

(The garage door opens to reveal Santa dancing.)

Santa: Somebody call Santa? Ho-ho-ho!

Tom: Where did he come from?

(Scene cuts to Tom directing a video shoot of Santa in front of a backdrop.)

Tom: Okay, Ginger, cue the snow, and... action!

(Ginger sprinkles snow over the scene.)

Santa: (reads cue cards to camera) This season, children all over the world are going to be asking me for the same thing. "Santa," they’re saying, "all I want is to see a reality show starring Talking Tom and his friends." (stops reading) Hey, what is this?

Tom: It’s a... public service announcement... for children who want me to get my own reality show.

Santa: Kids watch enough TV!

Tom: No, my show will be good! It'll be like a Christmas miracle... but I’m not sure if the TV producers'll like it.

Santa: Oh, what do you need a TV producer for?

Tom: To make all my dreams come true?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Good one, Tom! You don’t need some outdated, washed-up TV producer to make your own reality TV show.

Tom: I don’t?!

Santa: No, all you need is a video camera, a computer, and a bunch of crazy goofball friends.

(Tom's friends are shown. Ben is at the computer, Angela shakes maracas and Ginger rides on Hank's back.)

Santa: Which you definitely have.

Tom: I do?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Yes, you do! So just make the show yourself.

Tom: I can do that. Thanks, Santa! This may be the best Christmas ever!

(Ben sets up music on his tablet.)

Tom, Hank, Ben, Ginger, Santa: (sings)

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey!

(continue singing)

Hank: Angela, come sing with us! Anybody seen Angela?

(Angela is hiding in the bathroom.)

Angela: (to camera) Until that awful singing stops, I’m staying right in here with you, confession camera. You’re welcome.

(A camera is shown recording Angela.)

(Scene cuts to the driveway. Santa prepares to leave on his sleigh.)

Hank: Santa, Santa!

Santa: (stops sleigh) Ho-ho-ho!

Hank: Santa, wait! You forgot my Christmas list!

Santa: Ho-ho! Email me! (leaves)

Hank: Oh, okay! (waves)

Santa: Ho-ho-ho!

(Credits roll)