The Perfect Roommate/Transcript

(Scene shows the garage at night. Hank has a cloaked object.)

Hank: You guys, I have done it! I've found the piece that the room was missing. Behold! (removes cloak)

(The uncloaked object is a lamp on a helmet. The lamp flickers.)

Ginger: Nice feng shui, for once.

Hank: I know, right? Putting a lamp next to the TV really ties everything together.

Tom: Hank, we've had our differences.

Hank: We have?

Tom: But none of that matters now. What you've done here today... this is something really great, and I want you to know that. Fist bump. (holds out fist)

Hank: (gasps) A fist bump?! I don't deserve it.

Tom: Yes, you do, Hank, and no one can take that away from you.

(Before they fist bump, the Landlord enters suddenly.)

Landlord: Hello! The door was closed, so I opened it without knocking and let myself in.

Hank: (gasps) I present to ye... the Landlord! (imitates horn)

Landlord: Do not do that.

Hank: Whatever thou sayest, m'lord.

Tom: Look, Landlord, there's no law against paying rent in free-haircut punchcards. They're as good as money... at the barbershop.

Landlord: Eh, do not worry, I'm not here to evict you. I'm just, uh, I'm just here to kick you out.

Ben: Ah, he's just kicking us out. Wait a minute, that's a synonym!

Tom: You can't hoodwink us, Landlord!

Landlord: Listen, I need you guys out, but just for one week, while I make few repairs. It turns out there's a... mmm, minor volcano bubbling underneath the place. Suddenly, city's like, "You can't let your garage sink into lava again."

Tom: Again?

Landlord: Everything will be a-okay-cool. Hunky-dory.

(The ground underneath cracks and Hank's lamp and television sink under.)

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to the diner. The friends are at the booth.)

Tom: (to Rhonda) We'll have two hamburgers, chef's preference, a cheesy malt-shake, and... a couple of sleeping bags with a toothbrush.

Ben: What about a BluJack Wi-Fi port?

Hank: Or an orchid?

Rhonda: Wait a minute. You aren't just trying to order lunch. You're tryin' to order livin' here!

Tom: Ho-ho, what?

Hank: Yup, we are. We're homeless.

Ben: Well, technically, I have a home, but I have no place to do my work.

Rhonda: Eh-eh, can't help ya. But if you decide you want a side salad or a shepherd's pie, then I can help ya. (starts leaving)

Tom: Well, wait, but I do want the shepherd's pie- and she's gone. Ugh.

Hank: Oh.

(Angela enters.)

Angela: (in a cheerful tone) Hey, guys! Oh, wait, you look sad. (in a sad tone) Hey, guys. What's wrong?

Tom: Our garage/studio got eaten up by a volcano.

Angela: Oh, no, guys, that's such a bummer! Side hug?

Hank: I'm gonna send that side hug back, Angela. It's not gonna help.

(Angela gasps.)

Tom: Uh, actually...

Hank: As a garaged person, there's no way you can know the struggle of us, the garageless. Having to get by without walls, and a ceiling, and a space for friends to crash for a while.

Angela: Wait a minute, those are all things I have! You guys can come stay with me! Come on!

Hank: Really? Sounds good.

Ben: That sounds like an optimal plan.

Hank: You shall be our new landlord, m'lady.

Angela: Okay, that's weird. (walks away)

Tom: (laughs nervously) Yeah.

(Scene cuts to outside the diner. Tom speaks to the audience.)

Tom: Wow, this is gonna be great! I'm gonna be with Angela all-day and all-night!

(Scene cuts twice.)

Tom: No, wait a minute. I'm gonna be with Angela all-day and all-night?! This is gonna be terrible! What if I blow it?! What if the guys blow it?

(Scene cuts to Angela's apartment. The friends enter.)

Tom: Hey, place looks great!

(Angela turns on the lights.)

Tom: (gasps) (mentally) Girl stuff!

(Around Angela's apartment are decorations such as heart-shaped bottles, a unicorn statuette and an incense burner.)

Tom: And it's even nicer when you see it! I mean, these walls? (knocks wall) Sturdy! (laughs nervously)

Angela: So, anyways, uh, make yourselves at home. Feel free to watch TV, or sit in a cool chair, or look in any of the mirrors.

Hank: (laments) We used to have a mirror... back in the garage.

Ben: It'll be alright, Hank. For the next week, this can be our garage.

Tom: Whoa, hold on! (to Angela) I am sorry you had to hear that, Angela. (to Ben) We are not gonna treat this place like the garage! This is Angela's home, and we are just guests.

(Tom finds Ginger holding the unicorn statuette. Tom takes the statue away.)

Tom: And we do not touch any tiny horse statues! This thing probably has a lot of value to a collector of fine art like Angela.

Angela: Actually, that was just here when I moved in.

Tom: See? It's been here since she moved in, and, it's fragile! So no tossing it like a ball, or sticking it in your nose, or kicking it to see if it breaks. Be respectful.

Angela: Okay, that was weird. I'll go get your sleeping bags.

Tom: Way to go, guys. You made it weird. Angela, wait up, I can help!

Ginger: (giggles) Tom's acting like this 'cause he likes Angela. (laughs)

Ben: Ah, there's no way we're gonna make it through a week of this.

(Scene cuts to night. Tom, Ben, Ginger and Hank are sleeping.)

(Tom wakes up to find Angela still awake.)

(Angela is writing song lyrics.)

Angela: Let's go, everybody, it's time to dance. Let's go everybody and shake your... pants? No. Hmm... shake your butts? Oh, that's crude.

(Tom sneaks from behind Angela.)

Tom: Psst, Angela!

Angela: (screams) Oh, you scared me. What is it, Tom?

Tom: I just wanted to say, this is goin' pretty well, right? I mean, we're all having fun!

Angela: Sure, Tom, we're all havin' fun.

Tom: Cool. (leaves)

Angela: Yup, cool. (continues writing) Hm, shake your fingers? No, that makes no sense.

Tom: (returns) Oh, Angela!

Angela: (screams)

Tom: So, I just realized that I might have annoyed you by interrupting you while you were writing.

Angela: It's okay, Tom, it was fine.

Tom: Okay, cool, so even though I did that, this is still fun. It's not that it was fun until I asked about it, and now it's not, right?

Angela: (slightly annoyed) (through teeth) Yes, it's fine.

Tom: Cool.

Angela: Good night, Tom. Okay, alright. (whispers) Finally.

Tom: (returns) Angela!

Angela: (angry) What, Tom?!

Tom: Just now, when I asked if things were fun, you said things were fine, so is this just a word choice, or are you saying things aren't fun anymore?

Angela: You know what, Tom? I actually am getting a little annoyed now.

Tom: I knew it.

(Scene cuts to the living room where the friends are sleeping. Tom wakes them up by turning on the lights.)

Tom: That's it. Everybody up! Emergency house meeting.

(Scene cuts to Tom talking to the audience.)

Tom: I think I handled that pretty well.

(Scene cuts to Angela entering the house with groceries.)

Angela: Hey, guys! I was thinking tonight, we could do a... wha?

(Angela finds that all the furniture and items in the apartment have been packed in cardboard boxes.)

Angela: Where's the girl stuff?!

Tom: (walks in, holding box with horse statue) Do you like what I've done with the place? I wanted to make sure that nobody breaks any of your stuff, so I boxed it up, so now, it'll be safe!

(Muffled sounds are heard from the closet.)

Angela: And what is that? (opens closet)

(Ben, Hank and Ginger fall out the closet, having been trapped in there.)

Tom: Ha, so that's where they went!

Ben: (gets up) He threatened to kick my computer!

Ginger: (gets up) I could've escaped, but I wanted to see how this played out.

Ben: (calmly) Okay, Tom. It's time to put the box down and take a break. (tries to take box from Tom)

Tom: You'll have to pry this out of my-

Ben: Gimme, gimme, gimme that!

(Tom and Ben fight over the box.)

(Ben pulls the box out of Tom's hands. The box flies into the air. The horse statue falls out of the box.)

Tom: (slow-motion) Noooooo!

(The horse statue falls on the floor and breaks.)

Tom: (sighs) I can fix this! I just need something to glue the pieces together. Ha! Of course!

(Tom sees a pair of muddy boots in the closet.)

Tom: Muddy boots.

(Tom, with the boots on, tries to stick the pieces back together with mud by stomping on it.)

Tom: Let the sticky boot-mud work its magic!

Angela: Okay, that's it!

(Tom whimpers.)

Angela: Emergency house meeting.

(Scene cuts to the meeting. The friends are all seated on cardboard boxes.)

Angela: Tom, this is not easy to say to someone I consider such a good friend, (sighs) but I think I speak for everyone when I say... you have to find somewhere else to stay while your garage is being fixed.

Tom: (groans) Great, Ben. You got us kicked out!

Angela: No, Tom. Not Ben. Just you.

Tom: Huh?

Angela: House vote?

Ginger: (raises hand) Yes. Affirmative.

Tom: (sadly) Huh.

Ben: (raises hand) Yeah.

Tom: Haw!

Hank: Uh... (lowers hand) pass.

Tom: Yes!

Angela: And I say... (raises hand) ...yes. Sorry, Tom.

Tom: Oh, I see. Well, I guess I'll just be going, then. I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect roommate, Angela. (leaves)

(Scene cuts to nighttime. Hank is watching TV, Ginger uses his tablet and Ben uses his computer.)

Angela: So... I heard it might rain later today.

Hank: (slowly) Yup.

Angela: But, then again, it might not.

Hank: Yup, true, true, might not...

Ben: Yup, you never know.

Angela: (grunts) It's kind of boring here without Tom acting crazy.

Hank: Well, yeah, Tom always makes something fun happen. That's what's great about havin' him around.

Ginger: Hey, you did what you had to do. Tom broke your horse... though, that was pretty great. And he stomped mud all over the floor, those were good times. Oh, man, I miss him! Angela, we have to get Tom back.

Angela: Yeah, yeah, you're right, Ginger! Come on, everybody!

Ben: Yeah, let's go get Tom! What? I do my best work when I'm being interrupted by Tom!

(Scene cuts to the garage. The friends enter to find Tom sitting on a stool in the middle of a chunk of floor surrounded by lava.)

Angela: Tom, come out of there! It's not safe!

Tom: It's fine! I'll live here for the rest of the week. It'll be just like that game!

Angela: Freeze tag?

Ben: Huh? I think he means the "watch-out-the-floor-is-made-of-lava-now" game.

Angela: Oh, right, sorry, my mind isn't on games right now. Tom, I have something to tell you! Uh, okay, hold on.

(Angela starts crossing small pieces of flooring to reach Tom's piece.)

Tom: Careful. On your left. Watch out!

(Angela reaches Tom.)

Tom: I know, I'm the worst roommate. I deserve to live above a volcano.

Angela: N-no, that's not it. I have to tell you that... it was really sweet that you tried so hard to make rooming together fun.

Tom: It was? I mean, it was!

Angela: You really cared that I was happy! In a weird way, that kind of makes you the perfect roommate.

Tom: (stutters) Well, I-I guess I-I wanted to impress you, because, you know, I... like...

(A rumbling sound is heard from the volcano.)

Tom: Whoa, hey, lava burp!

Angela: (laughs) Cover your mouth, lava! Gross!

Tom: Yeah, nastay!

Angela: Yeah...

Tom: Anyway...

Angela: Side hug?

Tom: Uh, uh, yeah, okay.

(The Landlord enters, stopping them.)

(Hank imitates a horn.)

Landlord: I told you, knock-off it!

Hank: And so I shall, Your Lordship... for now.

(The Landlord hops across the pieces of flooring to reach Tom and Angela.)

Landlord: I tell you, you can't be in here 'til the end of th' week! I still working on the place!

Angela: Don't worry, Tom's landlord. For the rest of this week, he's staying with me.

Ben: Come on, you two! Get out of there!

(The ground trembles.)

Tom: We're coming, Ben! (runs over)

Angela: Here we come!

Ben: That's it, Tom, watch the stream on your left...

Angela: Okay...

Ben: One more leap...

Tom: Last one, now! (jumps with Angela)

(Tom reaches the exit.)

Tom: Ta-dah!

Angela: Yay!

(The friends cheer.)

Ginger: Welcome home, Tom.

(The friends leave.)

Landlord: (sniffs) Nothing bring people together like lava.

(Credits roll)