Hank the Director/Transcript

(Scene shows the garage during daytime. The friends, except Hank, are eating a cake.)

Tom: This... mm-mm, is the best cake ever.

Ginger: Where did it even come from?

Tom: Don't overthink it.

Angela: Yeah, don't question cake.

(A whistling sound is heard.)

Ben: Do you guys hear a whistling sound?

Tom: Don't overthink it.

Angela: Yeah, don't question sounds.

(Hank enters with a party hat and noisemaker. The sound came from Hank's noisemaker from outside the door.)

Hank: (excitedly) Who knows what day it is?!

(Angela drops her fork.)

Tom: Oh, no.

Angela: (nervously) Please don't tell me it's Hank's birth-

Hank: (dances around garage) It's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday! It's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday!

(Scene cuts to the friends talking to the audience on the living room sofa.)

Ben: (sighs) Every year for his birthday, Hank asks for the same thing. He asks us to help him make his very own episode of his all-time favorite show, Bongo and McGillicuddy.

Ginger: And every year, we say no.

Angela: It's not like we like telling our friend he can't have what he wants...

Tom: But there is no way that we're acting out one of his little scripts on camera, uh-uh, no. It could ruin our super-professional image. (places feet on coffee table)

(The coffee table breaks. The cups on it fall over. Tom laughs nervously.)

(Scene cuts to Hank, still running around.)

Hank: (continues running) Today, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, and that means it's showtime!

(Theme song plays)

Tom: (to Hank) It is not showtime. You can't make people do things just because it's your birthday.

Ben: Yeah, plus, we have a ton of deadlines this week. We can't take an entire day to help you with your little skit.

Hank: (sniffs) Well, sorry. It's just that, ever since I was a little, little boy, I just always wanted to make my own episode of Bongo and McGillicuddy. (sighs, starts walking to the door) Sorry, though, I-- I didn't mean to take up everyone's valuable time with my stupid, dumb, lame little dream... (sniffs again) even though you ate my cake. My... birthday cake. (Tom moans sadly)

Angela: (slightly annoyed) Okay, fine! I'll be in it.

Hank: Really?

Angela: But I'll have to move some things around in my schedule, (presses buttons on phone) so let me just call my agent.

Hank: Thanks, Angela! Ooh, you can play the grizzled, old police chief. How fast can you grow a mustache?

Angela: Wait, what?!

Ben: Well, I guess it is your birthday, and we did eat your cake, (sighs) so I suppose I could play a minor character.

Hank: Yes! You can play McGillicuddy. McGillicuddy is Bongo's orangutan sidekick, and you won't have many lines, 'cause he's one of those non-talking orangutans.

Ben: Actually Hank, all orangutans are non-talking orangutans, 'cause orangutans can't talk.

Hank: (laughs, punches Ben's stomach) Save the jokes for the blooper reel, buddy!

Ginger: You know, I'm actually somewhat of a thespian, so I won't mind sinking my acting chops into a new project.

Hank: Hooray! That just leaves... (points at Tom)

Tom: Hmm, let me think about it.

(3 hours later...)

Tom: Hmm, no, I'm good. (walks to kitchen)

Hank: Aww! (sighs sadly) Goodbye, Bongo.

Ginger: It's okay, Hank, I'll play your lead. I shall be your Bongo. And guess what?

(Tom gets a soda from the refrigerator.)

Ginger: I'll do it better than Tom ever could!

Hank: Alrighty, then.

Tom: Excuse me?

Ginger: Oh, it's nothing personal, Tom. It's just that some of us are... how should I say... more naturally-talented at the arts than- oh, how should I say... -others of us.

(Tom squeezes his soda can in anger. The soda spills out.)

Ginger: I'm saying I'm better than you, and you-

Tom: (throws can aside) I know what you're saying, Ginger! (to Hank) Hank, I want that part!

Hank: Ooh, hoo, hoo! (puts on beret and scarf, laughs) It's audition time!

(The montage is shown of the audition. Ginger jumps rope while Angela watches.)

(Ginger and Tom growl at each other, intimidating each other.)

(Tom and Ginger are in costumes resembling the Phantom of the Opera.)

(Tom and Ginger dance ballet in ballerina attire.)

(Tom and Ginger do a short acting sequence with skulls in their hands.)

(End of montage.)

Angela: (claps) Wow! That was amazing! I didn't know Tom knew ballet.

Ben: (scoffs) There's a lot you don't know about Tom!

Angela: Really? Like what?

Ben: Well, uh... hmm, hmm, uh, that's it, actually. Just the ballet thing. Tom's kind of an open book, I guess.

Tom: (pants) Alright, so what's it gonna be, Hank? Did I get the part?

Ginger: To Tom or not to Tom? That is the question. Whether it is nobler in the garage to choose the talented actor, Ginger, or-

Tom: (takes Ginger's skull) Quit it, Ginger. The audition is over.

Hank: Enough! It's just too hard to choose! You're both simply fantastic. Tom, I'm sorry... sorry I had to use such a cliché misdirection before telling you that you got the part!

Tom: Yes!

Ginger: Ahh! Are you serious right now?

Hank: Sorry, Ginger, but Bongo is a hard-boiled street cop who plays by his own rules.

(Tom nods.)

Hank: You're just a kid, so...

Ginger: What?! I lost the part because I'm a kid? (points at Angela) Angela's playing an old police chief!

Angela: Oh, you don't think a girl can be a police chief?!

Ginger: She doesn't even have a mustache!

Hank: Thank you for understanding, but you know what I do need? An assistant. A right-hand man. Someone to help me out with all the most important parts of directing a big show, like bringing me a coffee!

(Ginger groans.)

Hank: And I like a lot of milk, kid.

Ginger: Okay, but I'm going to spit in it.

Tom: Huh?

Hank: Oh, boy! This is gonna be fun!

(Scene cuts to the filming. Ginger holds up a clapperboard.)

Ginger: Bongo and McGillicuddy, Take 1! (claps clapperboard)

Hank: And... action!

(The scene shows a police office. Angela has a fake moustache and wears a suit and tie, Tom is in detective attire and holds a banana, and Ben has a fake orangutan snout.)

(Ben makes orangutan noises.)

Hank: Cut, cut, CUT! (shouts into microphone)

Angela: I know, right? Ben totally bungled that last line.

Hank: No, Ben was perfect! (to Ginger) When I asked you for coffee, I meant I wanted it today!

(Ginger gasps and runs to get coffee.)

Hank: What are you, raising the beans, and then milking them yourself?!

Tom: (whispers to Ben) I don't think Hank knows where coffee comes from.

(Ginger arrives with the cup of coffee.)

Ginger: Here's your coffee, sir!

(Hank sips the coffee but spits it on Ginger.)

Hank: (shouts) That's disgusting! (throws cup away) This coffee still tastes like coffee! I told you more milk, more milk, more milk!

Ginger: How 'bout I just bring you a glass of milk?

(Hanks blows steam from his ears before calming down.)

Hank: (sighs) Ginger, I know you're doing your best, but can you explain something to me?

Ginger: Sure...

Hank: (shouts) Why isn't there a stapler on the chief's desk?! Have you ever seen a police chief who doesn't have a stapler on his desk? You know what? Everyone take five!

Ginger: Oh, you're so mean! (walks away crying)

Tom: (whispers to Ben) I didn't know would be taking this so seriously!

Hank: (through a microphone) The question is, why aren't you taking it more seriously?! Break's over, let's take it from the top. (walks to chair) And get it right this time! Ameteurs. Lights...

(The lights turn on.)

Hank: Camera... (sets up camera)

(Ginger claps a clapperboard.)

Hank: Action!

Angela (as Police Chief): (looks at paper) (in a deep and greasy voice) That's it, (slams desk) Bongo, McGillicuddy, in my office now!

Ben (as McGillicuddy): (makes orangutan noises)

Angela: This is the last straw. You are done in this department. Turn in your badges!

Ben: (makes orangutan noises)

Tom (as Bongo): Come on, Chief, be reasonable.

Ben: (makes orangutan noises)

Tom: McGillicuddy is right. Doctor Jerkface was a bad guy. Remember what he did in Season 1, Episode 16?

Ben: (makes orangutan noises)

Tom: Yeah, that was really messed-up. He got what he deserved!

Angela: You karate-kicked him into a volcano, Bongo! (slams desk) That's not protocol!

Tom: A lot of things aren't protocol.

Ben: (in normal voice) Ooh ee ah ooh- oh, uh, (makes orangutan noises)

Angela: You watch your language when you're talking to me, McGillicuddy! Badges. Now.

Ben: (makes orangutan noises)

Tom: You know what, chief? Fine. (removes badge and places it on desk) Did I karate-kick a bad guy into a volcano? Yes. Did it look wicked-cool? Guilty. But do I regret it? Not for a second. So you can take our badges, you could take our uniforms, you could even take our cool car with the lights on top that go, "Woo-woo!" but there's one thing that you can never take, chief: our liberty!

Ben: Yeah! Oh, I mean, (makes orangutan grunt)

Hank: And... cut! Okay, that was... interesting. Now, does anybody want to tell me what went wrong with that scene?

Tom: Phew! I thought I was pretty good!

Angela: Well, I know I nailed it.

Hank: What about you, Ben?

Ben: I don't know.

Hank: You don't know? You mean like, you don't know your lines?! You said, "ah, oo, oo, ah, ee, oo, ah, ah, ee, ee!"

Ben: Yeah?

Hank: What does the script say? (places script in Ben's face)

Ben: "Oo, ah, oo, oo, ah, ee, oo, ah, ah, ee, ee."

Hank: Exactly! You dropped the "oo." You ruined the scene! I thought we were making fan-fiction. I wasn't aware we were making garbage! (stomps on beret, walks away) Thanks for ruining my birthday.

Angela: Hmm, now I'm glad I ate his cake.

(Scene cuts to Hank watching Bongo and McGillicuddy on his laptop.)

Bongo: Oh no! I've made a huge mistake! This was supposed to be fun, but I took things too far. I made it a chore. I made everyone feel bad, and that's the worst part.

Hank: Wow...

(Scene cuts to Hank talking to the audience.)

Hank: I learned so much from Bongo and McGillicuddy. This is just like that episode of Bongo and McGillicuddy where Bongo had to watch his favorite TV show to realize he made a mistake! Bongo took something that was supposed to be fun, and turned it into a chore. And that's just what I did. Now I have to do what Bongo did: make it right.

(Scene cuts to Hank giving an apology to the friends.)

Hank: And so, in my own small, Bongo-ish way, I stand here before you, hoping to make things right.

Tom: Well, lesson learned. You know, some people are TV-makers, and some people are TV-watchers.

Hank: (punches Tom's stomach) Classic Tom! Always with the jokes. Okay, catch you guys later.

Ben: Uh, where are you going?

Hank: I'm gonna get started on next year's script! (opens fridge) But first, I'm gonna eat a piece of my birthday- whoa!

(Ginger is in the fridge holding the last slice of cake.)

Ginger: Oh. (eats cake slice) Happy birthday!

(Credits roll)