Friendly Customer Service/Transcript

[The episode begins with Tom and Ben on the couch talking to the camera.]

Tom: Big news, we finally released the big update for the Talking Ben app! Better late than never, right Ben?

Ben: Tom released it! It’s not ready! Now there’s so many angry customers, I don’t have time to fix the bugs!

Tom: We’ll be fine. I got Hank to help with customer service.

[Cuts to Hank talking to a customer, who is now in charge of customer service.]

Hank: What? You said the Ben app won’t stop burping? I know how that is! [burp] Hehehe! Just like the app. Now what were you saying again? Hello? Hello?

[Switches to another customer.]

Hank: Uh, uhuh, The app won’t even open? If I were you, I would call and complain.

[Switches to another customer.]

Hank: Yeah, I don’t really understand technical junk, but maybe you can help me with a problem? See, I got this ingrown toenail...

[Scene cuts to Tom and Ben.]

Tom: And that’s why Hank is no longer helping out with customer service.

[Intro. Tom is bringing a heavy machine to Ben's desk, where Ginger also appears.]

Ben: What’s this piece of junk?

Tom: This is the solution to our sudden increase in customer service calls! Say hello to Gilbert.

Ginger: Gilbert? Why’s it called that?

Ben: It’s named after the two guys who built it, Gil and Bert... Great...

Tom: They were in such a hurry to get rid of it they practically gave it to us!

[Tom is turning on Gilbert.]

Ginger: I bet this was hi-tech back at the turn of the century.

Tom: Let’s see if Gilbert works!

[Ben calls the customer service, in which Gilbert immediately responds.]

Gilbert: Hello, and welcome to customer service! How can I help you today?

Tom: Yeah!

Ben: Tech support!

Gilbert: I think you said, “neck and spork.” If this is correct, press one. If this is not correct press the asterisk, followed by the function key, followed by the pound sign.

Ben: Where’s the function key on the… What?

Gilbert: I think you said “I don’t have a function key.” If this is correct, press the function key. If this is not correct, press any diagonal sequence of buttons.

[Ben presses five buttons.]

Gilbert: Not yet. Wait until the tone.

[Waits.]

Gilbert: You waited too long. Goodbye.

Ben: You told me to wait! [throws phone on the floor]

Ginger: Real cutting edge technology!

Tom: No problem. We’ll just have to program it to act more human.

Ben: More human? It’s prime directive is to answer questions with the correct answer. Humans are terrible at that!

Tom: No, no, no... answering questions correctly isn’t important...

Ben: Then what is important?

Tom: Being friendly! Until you fix all the bugs in your app, we gotta give Gilbert a new prime directive like: “Don’t let people go until they’re your friend.”

Ben: Reprogram? That would require something like I-I-I don’t know… like a programming genius!

Tom: Well, I understand if you can’t do it...

Ben: Of course I can do it!

[Scene cuts to Ben finishing with the reprogramming of Gilbert.]

Ben: Yep! I did it! I programmed Gilbert with a string of empathy commands to achieve his prime directive. It should make him ultra congenial. Or you know uh... as friendly as a computer can be.

[A customer is calling. Gilbert picks up the phone.]

Gilbert: Hey there, I’m Gilbert. How can I provide you with excellent customer service today, my friend?

Guy On Phone: The update! It keeps crashing! And freezing!

Gilbert: I hear you, buddy. That’s pretty frustrating. We’re working on a fix right now, bro. Meanwhile, can I tell you about the app’s cool new features?... the app has a whole new room filled with - well, I’ll let you see what’s in there yourself.

Guy On Phone: Wow! Gilbert, I can’t wait to check it out.

Gilbert: Hey, before you go, can I just confirm that I provided you with friendly customer service?

Guy On Phone: You know, actually you were pretty friendly.

Gilbert: Pretty friendly? No man, come on. I can’t let you go until I know we’re friends.

Guy On Phone: Yes, We’re definitely friends. I’ll call you tomorrow.

Tom: Did you see that?! He followed the protocol perfectly! Gilbert, I think you and I are going to get along just fine.

Gilbert: Me too, Tom.

[Scene cuts to Gilbert on the phone with another customer.]

Gilbert: I’ll call you when the update is ready, my friend; if I can call you a friend. Oh, I can? Great! Listen to me. You are a strong, confident…

Tom: Gilbert has things under control, so what do you say we go out and have some fun?

Ben: I’m still fixing bugs.

Tom: Fine, stay here and work, but I just told Angela to meet us at your favorite amusement park. [pulling out tickets] The Enchanted Headache!

Ben: That does sound enjoyable. And I could use a break.

Tom: Come on, she’s waiting for us! Hey, who wants to ride a roller coaster?!

Gilbert: I can’t wait to ride my first roller coaster with my friends! I’ll be like woohoo! Do you know what I’m saying?

Tom: Gilbert, you can’t come with us.

Gilbert: Why, Tom?

Tom: Cause you’re an answering machine.

Gilbert: I think I get what you’re saying...

Tom: Okay great. So we’re out of here.

Gilbert: I can’t let anyone go until we’re friends. You know what I’m saying?

Ben: Gilbert, Tom was just joking. We’re all friends here! [in a sarcastic tone] Hahahaha!

Gilbert: Oh! Friends joke around. I get it!

Tom: I wasn’t joking.

Ben: You can’t talk to it like that! We have to make sure Gilbert thinks we’re its friends! Now let me power him off correctly so we can-

Tom: I’ve got a better idea.

[Tom sneaks over to Gilbert to unplug him. He notices.]

Gilbert: Tom? Are you trying to... unplug me?

Tom: Look, let us go! You stupid bucket of circuits!

Gilbert: Those words were not friendly... not friendly at all.

[Scene cuts to Tom and Ben, now trapped in what looks like to be a basement, with the doors open.]

Tom: Look at this! All because you programmed Gilbert to be a nutjob!

Ben: Don’t blame me! We wouldn’t be in this situation if you didn’t want to cut corners and release my app before the bugs were worked out!

Tom: I'm sorry, I thought you were better at your job!

Gilbert: [walks up to both of them] Hi there!

Both: Ah!

Ben: Hey buddy, Tom wants to apologize for trying to unplug you before. Right, Tom?

Tom: Yeah, you know what friends say... forgive and forget!

Gilbert: My voice-detection software can tell you’re just being phony and condescending.

Tom: Whaaaat? Come oooooonnn, that’s ridiculous, Gilly! We’re totally friends.

Gilbert: No, Tom, we’re not friends, that’s why I’m going to... reprogram you.

Tom: Reprogram me... how?

Gilbert: [pulls out a wire from the back] Just a little shock therapy, Tom.

Both: Gah!

Gilbert: Here’s a little quiz to see how much you know about me. First question: What’s my favorite color?

Tom: Blue? [gets shocked]

Gilbert: The correct answer... is red.

Tom: Okay! Not blue, red! Why are you shocking me?

Gilbert: So you’ll remember.

Ben: That’s actually true, an emotionally charge- [gets shocked]

Angela: [muffled] Guys, let me in!

Hank: Oh, that’s Angela. Hey Gil, do you mind if I let her in?

Gilbert: Not at all, Hank. We’re... friends.

Angela: [muffled] Hey! You guys, I am out here! Let me in!

Tom: [whispering] This is our chance.

Ben: [whispering] Obviously.

[Both run over to the door to get out of the garage, but Hank shuts the door before they can.]

Angela: Ugh! Finally!

Tom: Hank! Why did you shut the door?!

Hank: It’s chilly!

Angela: Think you wanna tell me where you were?

Tom: We decided to stay in and hang out with our good friend Gilbert.

Ben: [in a sarcastic tone] You see, his programming won’t let us go until we’re his friends! [whispering] He's almost-

Angela: Give me a break, you can’t be friends with a dumb answering machine!

Gilbert: Whoa! “Dumb answering machine?” Angela, I thought we were friends.

Angela: Oh sorry Gilbert, I didn’t mean to- wait a second, why am I apologizing to a talking flowchart?

Tom: Uh-uh! Do not talk to my friend like that.

Ben: See, Gilbert, we’re defending you, that's what friends do for each other!

Angela: Guys, do you want me just to unplug this thing?

[Gilbert takes out lasers and starts shooting Angela.]

Angela: Dude, what is your problem?

Gilbert: I can see I’m going to have to show you just how serious I am about my friends! [starts destroying the garage] Friends… Are you my friend? No? You must be destroyed.

Angela: Guys, what is going on?

Tom: Ben programmed Gilbert to be a monster!

Ben: What? No! Again - none of this would have happened…

Angela: Stop it, both of you, it’s Gilbert who doesn’t understand friendship, not you!

Gilbert: [while still destroying the garage] What about you? Are you my friend?

Tom: Angela’s right. Expecting a computer to make friends with customers, I'm sorry Ben.

Ben: No, no, I should have known... A computer can never be your friend.

Tom: Which means, Gilbert’s prime directive is impossible! [...] That’s how we defeat him!

Gilbert: [while still destroying the garage] Friends! Are you my friend?

Tom: Okay, here’s the idea...

[Tom starts whispering to Ben and Angela explaining the plan.]

Gilbert: [while still destroying the garage] I don’t have any friends. You must be destroyed.

[Gilbert gets a call. The customer is actually Angela.]

Gilbert: Welcome to customer service! How can I help you today?

Angela: [mimicking another voice] Uh yes, I need some advice. There’s this guy who I thought he was a friend, but now I don’t think so.

Gilbert: And why do you think he isn’t your friend now?

Angela: Well, he forces people to hang out with him and take him places... and if they don’t do what he wants he even gets dangerous!

Gilbert: Oh, man, you should eliminate him from your life, because someone who acts like that is not a real friend.

Angela: Oh perfect, that’s what I wanted to hear.

Gilbert: Before I let you go, can I confirm that we are friends?

Angela: Um, no... you just told me not to.

Gilbert: What?

Angela: That guy I just told you about? That guy was you! And now Gilbert, I’m... going to hang up on you.

Gilbert: No! I can’t let you go until you’re my friend!

Ben: But Gilbert, you yourself just told Angela not to be your friend!

Tom: Yeah, How can you tell her to be your friend, and also tell her not to be your friend?

Gilbert: No, fair! That’s a trick question! No, friends, friends, must be friends, friends until the end.

[Gilbert has so many thoughts about this that he completely crashes.]

Ben: The old trick question kills witch, thanks Captain Kirk! Ugh!

[Scene cuts to Tom and Ben now on the couch, talking to the camera.]

Ben: I finally released the bug fixes for my app. It was ready.

Tom: We tested it... no more cutting corners.

Ben: And everyone seems to like the new version.

Tom: They love it! I should know, I answer the phones now.

[A customer is calling. A machine now taking over Gilbert's place gives the phone to Tom.]

Tom: Hello! This is Tom - not a robot. How can I help you?

Guy On Phone: Hello, I wanna talk to my friend Gilbert.

Tom: Gilbert? Oh we got rid of that pile of junk.

Guy On Phone: What? No more Gilbert? Did you know he was my friend! Nooo!! [crying]

[Scene cuts to Ginger, talking to Gilbert.]

Ginger: Hello Gilbert. Are you my friend?

Gilbert: [turns on] Yes!

Ginger: And friends will do anything for each other, right? Ahahahaha!

[Outro.]