Hank the Millionaire/Transcript

[ The episode begins with Tom & Friends at the diner with Ben making study]

Ben: ( mumbles then finishes) After a careful study I have determined that this place do, in fact,ct have the best burgers in the known universe.

Tom: Well yeah, I mean especially if you order off the secret menu.

Angela: Oh I love the secret menu, it makes me feel so mysterious.

Tom: You can get the square bun style, that's where the burger has a square bun. Or double onion style. ( obvious) Oddly that's triple onions.. or the Talking Tom which is just a regular burger but they named after me.

Hank: I'm gonna get mine freestyle. That's where get a burger and it's free. Eh? (makes finger gun)

Tom: ( pushes his finger) I don't think free style is a real thing.

Angela: There's a freeze style where the meat is still frozen.

Ginger: And freak style where the burger really freaks you out.

Hank: Oh. ( blows) Well, what about the double secret menu?

Tom: ( surprised) There's a double secret menu?

Hank: No, I made it up. Can anyone give me money to buy a burger? ( everyone pretends not to hear, while Hank groans.) Talking Tom and Friends Theme Song plays.

[ Later, Tom ran to the bathroom when Hank came out]

Hank: Hey what kind of a dirty rotten world to we live in? ( stopping Tom from getting in not knowing he has to go) Where you always have to pay for a hamburger, how is that fair?

Tom: Hank I was about to, umm...

Hank: I mean seriously, I already pay for rent, and electricity, and TV theme song downloads. I'm not made of money, Tom.

Tom: No.

Hank: I'm not a tree!

Tom: No. ( Angela enters the bathroom.)

Hank: I'm not a dog of meat. ( Tom groans when Angela closes the bathroom door)

Tom: If your short on cash, why don't you just try Cash Kicker?

Hank: Wait, cash-a- what- now?

Tom: It's that website where you ask people for money, and if they think it's for a good reason they give it to you. ( gives to Hank and waits for Angela)

Hank: Whoa you think a cash kicker campaign could get as much as $3.00?

Tom: It could if the video where beg for money is convincing enough. ( Tom happy when Angela finishes he runs in, while Hank gets an idea)

[ Hank now makes his videos a little awkward]

Hank: ( holding a picture of a hamburger) Hi, everyone! my name is Frank-- uh no, it's not!

[ next video]

Hank: ( now holding the picture upside down) I need to eat a hamburger. And I need you to help me achieve that lofty and delicious goal. Uh, hold on I pointed the wrong way.

[ next video]

Hank: ( in a funny voice) I'm Hank's tummy, and me want hamburger. Me so hungry.

[next video]

Hank: I heard these campaigns go better if I make this personal, so this message is going out to you Beth, and you Kristoff, and Amy. But not you Mike. Definitely not you. I'm not going to mention your name, Mike.

[ Hanks records Angela singing about what he wants]

Angela: ( singing) He doesn't want your loving. He doesn't want no fame. He just wants a hamburger. So please give Hank a hamburger. Live your dreams!

Hank: Yeah, I think we got it.

Tom: Yeah!

[ now Ben has a video]

Ben: ( to the viewers) Hank's project is an insult to everyone with a real CashKicker campaign, like my campaign. ( shows a campaign on a hologram) I'm perfecting the ability to create hand-held holograms. With this amazing new technology, you can be holding something and then... ( the device goes poof and disappears) Surprise! It was a hologram! ( back being angry) Anyway, it's better than Hank's burger thing. That guy's not gonna raise a dime. ( scoffs)

[ Soon The Cash Kicker said raised a million dollars]

Tom: ( surprised) You raised a million dollars on Cash Kicker?

Hank: ( holding a burger) Yeah I only needed three, turns out it was as easy as you said it would be. ( eats the burger)

Ben: But this flies in the face of statistics, and logic, and physics! In no sane world does this happen!

Hank: What can I say? I guess people just like the idea of buying me a hamburger. ( Ben screams and grunts to the door)

Tom: ( pretty amazed) Wow! okay, wow! This changes everything. We're gonna have to buy a fancy new car, and then we're gonna drive that fancy new car on a boat-- ( now thinking) wait, that might ruin the boat. ( still happy) Oh, wait, it doesn't matter. We got a million dollars!

Hank: Yeah, uh, about that... ( Ben opens the door and packets of burgers pile on him) We don't have the money anymore, cause I spent it all on hamburgers.

Tom: ( shocked) You what?! ( shakes him) Why would you do that?

Hank: Tom, people gave me this money for one reason: to buy burgers.

Tom: Still, I mean you could've saved some money for like a helicopter, or two you know something small.

Hank: Look, your Cash Kicker idea was super great! I wanted a burger, I got a ridiculous amount of burgers. ( Tom grunts) I made a giant burger mountain in the backyard, and now I'm eating a burger. Everything worked out fine, Tom. You want a burger? ( Tom walks away while Hank eats when Ginger appeared)

Ginger: ( coming out of the pile) Congratulations, on your success Hank. You're my hero!

Hank: Well, the secret is asking in a way that makes people want to give.

Ginger: ( holding a tablet) Yeah, and making crazy promises. Like promising you'd eat a burger with anyone who gave you money? Totally stupid! I love it!

Hank: ( confused) I said what? That doesn't sound like me. ( Ginger shows him the video he made)

Hank on video: ( smiling, while holding a burger picture) And anyone who gives me money will to sit down with me and personally watch me eat the burger.

Hank: ( gasps, surprised and suspicious) That does sound like me, and it looks like me too, so either I have an evil twin... ( gasps again) Or I am the evil twin!

Ginger: Hank, I just your my hero, and heroes always keep their promises. And since I contributed one penny to your campaign, I demand you eat a hamburger! NOW!!!! ( his voice echos and shakes the garage)

Hank: ( thinking) Well a promises is a promise. ( eats another hamburger and sighs)

[ now Hank's stomach was filling up with burgers, while Hank was sitting on the couch]

Hank: ( to the viewers) So, apparently I own everyone my million dollars while a backer, so one on one burger time. That's a lot of burger time. But maybe Ginger is the only one who cares. Maybe most of those people won't even call in for their reward. ( his phone rings and soon...) Your calling in for your reward?

[ Now everyone was sitting with Hank while watching him eating a burger]

Mother: Remember, there are hungry children in the world. So don't waste any sauce and finish the bun.

[ Now Angela]

Angela: This is totally my fault. If I'd done such a good job singing, fewer people would've given money and you wouldn't be in these position.

Hank: ( preserves her) Aw, don't say that. There's a lot going on in that video.

Angela: ( not really keeping it) No, Hank. I was really, really good, and now I have to live with that. ( gives him a bigger burger) Just eat this quickly. ( Hank groans) I'm sorry I did this to you.

[ Now MC]

MC: Awwww, yeah! A b-b-b-b-b-burger, burger, burger in the house! It's Hank eating a burger time, y'all! Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat!

[ Now Rhonda]

Hank: Uh, I just ordered a small water.

Rhonda: ( holding a burger) I know, but I backed your campaign. So I get to watch you eat this. ( Hank sniffs the burger and groans, later, he called the Internet Doctor)

Dr. Internet: Dr. Internet Doctor here. If your feeling sick, then I'm your pick. ( notices Hank) Oh, hey Hank, how are you feeling my good man?

Hank: ( having a full stomach) Hey, doc. I'm not feeling so well.

Dr. Internet: Hmm, any changes to your diet, like say adding a ridiculous amount of burgers?

Hank: ( surprised) How did you know?

Dr. Internet: I saw your Cash Kicker, it's all everyone's talking about here on the internet.

Hank: Everyone who contributed is expecting me to eat a burger with them. What I want? That can't be healthy, right?

Dr. Internet: ( pulls away his fake picture of his "office" to get a clipboard) Hmm, let me see. Da-da-da. Well as a medical professional I have to agree, that eating that many burgers can't be good. For your safety, and the safety of those around you I advise you to stop.

Hank: ( sighs happily) That is such a relief.

Dr. Internet: But as a guy who gave 75 cents to your campaign, I'm also looking forward to watching you eat a burger.

Hank: ( sighs sadly, holds a burger, as his stomach growls) Well, your the doctor.

[ Later Ben was making a video about his campaign, not raising]

Ben: ( angry) I trusted you. I gave you so much of my attention, and time and this is how you repay me?!?! Traitor! Villain!! ( prepare to break his computer) Unfair!!! ( Tom enters)

Tom: Ben, buddy, everything okay here?

Ben: (sighs) The CashKicker for my personal hologram app has completely stalled out. I only made $10.00! ( rephrases) Actually less. ( prepares to break his computer again) Because some jerk took back his donation!!!

Tom: Oh, that was me I gave to Hank.

Ben: I even made a video like but it didn't work. I don't know why.

Ben on video: ( Not happy) You know what? I don't even want your money. You people don't deserve my app! All of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Shame!

Ben: ( ends it short) It ends with me just screaming into a pillow.

Tom: I guess it's always good to blow off some steam.

Ben: ( Puts the computer back on the desk) I'm just frustrated that Hank is so successful, with his dumb hamburger campaign. You know while I'm scrambling to try to get my world changing hologram app made, he's living the high life.

Hank: ( coming close, sounding crazy) Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers everywhere. ( holding two prongs, and a hamburger packet stuck to his head) Did anyone call for me? Don't answer that. No one's in the other room with a hamburger for me to eat right? No one's hiding in the couch disguised as a ketchup packet, waiting to eat a hamburger with, are they? Are they!? You can run, but you can't hide, Ketchup Man, I will find you!!

Tom: ( Confused) What's going on?

Ben: (thinking) Hmm, could be a symptom of pickle poising. That's common sign effect of an overdose on burgers. ( holds his leg out to make Hank trip)

Hank: Ah, hamburger. ( crashes and in his mind Tom and Ben were pickles)

Tom: Buddy, eat too many pickles? It making your brain crazy?

Hank: ( rouses up) I'm in trouble guys. I made a crazy, crazy promise that I would eat a hamburger, with everyone who gave me money. But so many people gave me money! That I can't possibly eat that many hamburgers! (sighs)

Ben: That's what you get for being frivolous on the internet.

Hank: I know. I really frivolous-ed things up.

Ben: You did. Everyone was giving money to your burger campaign, so no one gave money to my hologram campaign. Which was way for important.

Hank: ( trying to make up) I'm sorry if I could somehow use my power over burgers to help you I would.

Tom: ( gasps) That gives me an idea!

[ Later Ben, Tom, and Hank were making a video of Hank's backers backing his campaign, with Ben's hologram]

Hank: ( holding a list) Thank you for backing my burger campaign, Joan! ( reveals the burger) Now I'm going to eat this just for you Joan. ( eats the burger, now his stomach is even bigger) Okay! Set up the next one! ( Ben uses his hologram app to make another burger) Thanks for backing my burger campaign... ( checks the list) Boris! Now I'm going to eat this just for you.

Tom: 1,000 hologram burgers, 0 calories.

Ben: ( disappointed) Just another 72 hours of this and we can get through all the rest of Hank's backers. (sighs sadly)

Tom: What's the matter, Ben?

Ben: Well, when you said "That gives me an idea" earlier, you implied that Hank's burgers could help me, but all we're doing is helping Hank again, my campaign is still unfounded.

Tom: ( smiling slightly) that's true but at least you proved your app works. So in a way, this was really a victory for you. ( honks his nose)

Ben: But that's not what I wanted.

Tom: (does it again) A victory--

Ben: No, you see--

Tom: ( a third time) Victory! ( Ben growls to the door)

Ben: Oh, no. ( Another pile of burgers pile on him like last time, Talking Tom & Friends credits)

Angela: ( singing offscreen) He doesn't want your loving. He doesn't want no fame.

Ben: ( offscreen) Okay.

Angela: ( singing offscreen) He wants to make a hologram.

Ben: ( offscreen) Not really.

Angela: ( singing offscreen) So help Ben make a hologram.

Ben: ( offscreen) Okay, well, technically it's a device that projects a hologram, oh boy.