Tom the Guru/Transcript

(Scene shows the auditorium. The MC walks onstage.)

MC: W-w-welcome... to Motivation Now! Ready to hear some speeches, y'all?

(The crowd cheers.)

(Tom and Ben are at the side of the stage.)

Tom: Look at all those future leaders hungry for success, and I'm here to teach them how to take a bite of that success!

Ben: Don't forget to mention our company at least twice per sentence.

Tom: Oh, don't worry. I talk all about our inspiring tech journey in my even-more-inspiring speech. (holds paper)

MC: Now, from Tom and Ben Enterprises, give it up for Tom!

(The crowd cheers. Tom walks onstage to the podium.)

Tom: Thank you. Today, I'll be talking about something I call, "The Keys to Success: Secrets Revealed."

(The crowd murmurs excitedly.)

Tom: (reads paper) "Lettuce, potatoes. Cucumber... bro... ccoli... baby... potatoes?"

(A flashback is shown at the garage. Tom holds his speech paper and sets it on the desk as Angela walks by.)

Tom: I really nailed it with this speech, Angela.

Angela: Nice! Oh, can you get some groceries for me? (puts list on desk)

(The scene shows the shopping list and speech next to each other on the desk, implying that Tom had mixed them up.)

(End of flashback. Scene cuts back to the speech.)

Tom: Uh...

(The crowd murmurs.)

Tom: (continues reading) "...celery... turnips..."

(Microphone feedback is heard.)

Tom: (nervously) Well, uh, see, uh... cabbage, zucchini, soy milk. Thank you. Goodbye forever. (starts leaving)

(A man in the audience claps.)

Man: That's it, that's it! Yes, brilliant! I love it! We love it! Yes!

(The crowd cheers.)

(Theme song plays)

(Tom walks offstage as roses are thrown and the crowd continues cheering.)

Ben: What happened up there?! You just kept listing food!

Tom: But they liked it! I mean, maybe the way I listed the food sounded important.

(Tom exits the auditorium to find a crowd cheering him. The crowd is holding signs depicting food items.)

Crowd: Tom! Tom! Tom!

Ben: What?!

Fan: Tom, would you sign my potato?

Fan 2: Just brilliant! Can't wait to hear more!

(Tom signs the potato.)

Fan: Yeaaaah!

(Several people hold up food items for Tom to sign.)

(Scene cuts to the diner. Tom sits down with Angela.)

Angela: So, how'd your speech go?

(A couple interrupts Tom's conversation.)

Man: Hey, you're the guy with the hot new food philosophy! Tell us, should we sell our car to fund our dream of opening a piano store?

Tom: Well, all I can say is... strawberry smoothie, garden salad.

Woman: Of course! Thank you! It resonates! (leaves)

Tom: You're welcome.

Angela: Really?

(Scene cuts to the garage. The entrance has been roped off. A crowd waits outside.)

Hank: Everyone, stand back! The master needs space to list his groceries.

(Tom is at the kitchen wearing a green suit. On the counter is a bag of groceries.)

(Wesley is seen in the crowd. His stomach growls and he farts.)

Crowd: Shh!

(Hank turns on a radio. The radio plays an indistinct chant.)

Tom: "Ice pops, chips, pretzel sticks." And there you have it! Now, it's up to you to discover what it means.

(The crowd cheers.)

Woman: I get it!

Hank: Pretzel sticks! It's so true!

Fan: Thank you!

(Tom passes a tomato at the audience. Two people leap at the tomato.)

(Scene cuts to a fair being held at the park. Tom is at one of the tents. The friends approach Tom's tent.)

Tom: Hello, my children. Are you here to buy my new book? It's called Brussels Sprouts, Celery, Turnips.

Ben: When did you have time to write a- (opens book) oh, I see. It's just lists of food.

Tom: Yeah! Tom-ology works by me listing food, and then, you find meaning in the list. I mean, the Tommies? (kisses air) Oh, they love it.

Angela: What's a "Tommy?"

Hank: "Tommies" are followers of the wisdom of Tom, of course. We abide by the principle of "banana, cupcake, rhubarb."

Ginger: Ha! More like "baloney, baloney, baloney!"

Angela: Yeah, this is getting out of hand. You're reading grocery lists.

Tom: Yeah, and it's helping people!

Becca: (in background) Give that back, creep!

(Becca fights with another person over a bag of groceries. The man pulls the bag away from her.)

Becca: Tom, your brainwashed food-freaks are out of control!

Tom: What? Well, there must be some mistake. The Tommies are a peaceful bunch.

(Chaos ensues as several people carry whellbarrows full of groceries. Hank rides on one of the wheelbarrows.)

Hank: It is for the greater good!

(The friends exclaim in disbelief. Ben's phone blares.)

Ben: Bad news. My bad-news app says this is happening all over town! (shows phone)

(Rhonda is shown on the phone being interviewed.)

Rhonda: They took it all! All I have left are the crumbs in this pie tin! (holds up pie)

(A man steals Rhonda's pie.)

(Scene cuts to the pretzel vendor.)

Brian: No pretzels today! Those salty Tommies ruined me.

(Scene cuts to the park. A boy is about to lick a lollipop when it is taken from him. Two girls prepare to eat a cake when it is stolen. The girls cry.)

Tom: Okay, this has gone too far now. It's time to end the inspiration.

(Scene cuts to the garage. Tom prepares to give a speech by breathing in deeply.)

(The crowd below murmurs.)

Male Fan: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Tom: Hello, people I inspired. Okay, so it seems like some of you have taken my wisdom in a pretty intense way.

Hank: (holds up banana) Yes, we did!

Tom: You too, Hank? Look, here's the thing... (throws badge on floor)

(The crowd gasps.)

Tom: My "wisdom" is not real wisdom. It- they really are...

Angela: Mmm-hmm?

Tom: ...just lists of food.

(The crowd gasps.)

Tom: I know, right? It's a bummer. Anyhoo, uh, please go home, and also, bring back those groceries you stole.

(Scene shows a large pile of stolen grocery bags.)

Tom: ...'cause they're not yours, okay? Thanks.

Influencer: But- you- you- but- your speech changed our lives!

Tom: I-I know, but I-I'm gonna say it again. It was just a grocery list. It doesn't mean anything.

(The crowd gasps.)

Influencer: Our leader has lost his way! He needs the healing power of food items!

(The crowd pushes past the ropes and march towards Tom.)

Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No!

(Tom is carried away by the crowd.)

Ginger: We've got to do something! Those food-freaks are going bananas!

(Angela and Ben are approached by the influencer, the new leader of the Tommies.)

Influencer: (stutters) Well, well, well. It looks like we have a couple of split peas here.

(The influencer grabs Angela and escorts her away.)

Angela: Hank! Help us!

Ow!

No!

[Tom exclaims nervously] Come on, guys!

[Tom grunting]

As the leader of the Tommies

who no longer wants to be the leader of the Tommies,

I demand you to free me!

Crackers, pickle, peanut butter.

I don't know what that means!

Ooh!

But I do. So I will speak for you,

after you are locked away forever!

Uh-oh.

[grunting]

[all cheering]

Yes!

[all grunting]

We have to get out of here before those nuts hurt Tom!

What are we gonna do?

Um, how's it going?

Hank, get lost! You're a bad guy now!

I didn't think it was gonna get this bad!

I just thought Tom's speech was inspiring.

You know, with the onion and the carrot.

Hank, he was reading my grocery list.

Yeah, but it was the way he said it.

Or, well, maybe I was just hungry!

Forget the big speech, OK, Hank?

We need to get out of here! Can you help us?

I sure can try.

Hank, what are you doing?

[Ginger] Yeah! All right!

[continues munching]

[Ben] Hank, you can stop now.

-Huh? -Let's save Tom!

[cheering continues]

Wait, no, stop--

[muffled grunts]

[grunting]

Oh, I'm so glad to see you!

I thought I'd be left to rot in here.

We're not out of this jam yet.

[Tommies exclaiming]

Those rotten eggs are trying to rescue their Tom!

Stop them!

[Tom] Come on, run faster!

[all screaming]

[panting]

[Angela] What-- No!

[both shuddering]

We have to climb that wall!

Go, go, go!

[Angela grunting]

Go, go, go! Up, up, up, up, up!

[man] Stop him!

[all grunting]

[Tommies laughing]

[Tom sighs]

Oh. Whoa! Whoa!

[groans]

I'm sorry. I should've never given that fake speech.

Yeah...

But if it helps, I found the real speech back in the garage.

I don't know if you want it, though.

You might be done inspiring people.

Maybe I'm not done...

[Tommies cheering]

[man laughing]

-[Tom] Hey! -[Tommies exclaim]

Leave them alone!

Now, you've been inspired by a speech I gave.

But what if I told you that I had a better speech?

"The Keys to Success: Secrets Revealed!"

Fine!

Let's hear this wisdom.

Quickly. We have people to attack.

[clears throat]

The Keys to Success,

by Tom, of Tom and Ben Enterprises.

-Gotcha, bub. -Ben sighs]

There are a few keys to success.

The first key can unlock any opportunity...

So the fifth key is the key of never giving up.

If you give up, you'll never achieve your dream...

That's why like I've circled here, key number nine is...

You are the captain of your own ship,

wherever that ship may sail.

Thank you.

[all gasping]

[people groaning]

That's it?

This is making me question everything we're doing.

That was a bunch of stuff I could have read in greeting cards!

Wait, wait, wait! We don't need Tom.

[woman grunts]

-Why did we follow this guy? -I will be your new leader!

Come on, everyone. Let's go home.

Uh, pesto, sausage, orange juice! [laughing]

Wow. I guess they didn't like my speech.

You guys liked my speech, right?

[all muttering]

Oh, come on! That speech could start a whole new movement.

I mean, you heard the last key, about the ship, right?

-I mean, you've got the key! -[Ben] All right. You did it, Tom.

[Tom] To the ship because you're the captain!

-Yes, yes, the key thing with the ship. -And, look, it doesn't have to be

a ship with a sail, it can be a rocket ship if you want...

[theme music playing]