Untalking Tom/Transcript

[The episode begins with Tom relaxing and Ben working on his computer]

Tom: This is our year! We're going to kill it at the, uh, the big contest thing.

Ben: The big contest thing? (looks slightly at the viewers) I think you mean "The So You Think You Can App" app contest.

Tom: (glad Ben corrected him) Yes, that's the one.

[Cut to Ben on the couch talking to the viewers]

Ben: (to the viewers) Yeah, the winner of this contest gets a key to the famous Silicon Campus and use of the best computers in the world. And a gigantic check! It's definitely the most important event of our career... (music stops, record scratches) And it's in a few hours. It would be good if Tom was...you know, prepared.

Tom: Okay, so here's the plan: when they introduce me first, I'm gonna run across the stage with my hand to my ear like, “I can’t heeeear you!” Then I’ll chicken-walk to the side of the stage but I’ll go too far, see? Then when the audience is like, “Where’s Talking Tom going? I’ll spin around and moonwalk right back to center stage!

Ben: The only way we’re going to “kill it”, which I take to mean “win the contest” is if you make it sound like you actually understand the features of the app you’ll be talking about.

Tom: Yeah, Yeah, whatever….

Ben: Tom, give that back!

Tom: Save the nerd speak for the “terms and conditions” that nobody reads. Okay? Do you worry about a phone thief getting all of your private information? Well, your worries are over thanks to our new Shockingly Secure Anti-theft App!

Ben: Wait, Tom, don’t turn it on!

Tom: Here’s how it works

Ben: Tom, are you Okay?

Tom: Wow!

Ben: Your voice?! What’s wrong with your voice?

Tom: This app is…

Ben: Shockingly effective.

Internet Doctor: Welcome to Doctor Internet! This is the Internet, we could be anywhere! Don’t try to find us. Please state your name and what’s wrong.

Tom: Oh. Uh... My name is Talking Tom... And Ben tasered my neck area.

Ben: What?! This is your fault, Tom, not mine!

Angela: Ben, settle down. Let the Internet Doctor work.

Internet Doctor: Well then, open wide and let’s take a look.

Tom: Aaaaah...

Dr. Internet Doctor: P-yew! P-yew! P-yew! P-yew! Now please hold while I make a diagnosis. In my ten years as an online doctor and four years of online medical school I have never seen vocal cords this inflamed.

Angela: Okay, well, what can we do to help him get better?

Dr. Internet Doctor: I’m afraid there’s not much you can do, he’ll just have to stop talking for a week and let his vocal cords get better.

Tom: Stop talking?!

Ben: He can’t! Today is the “So You Think You Can App” App contest!

Dr. Internet Doctor: That’s big time! I hear the winner of that gets a gigantic check.

Ben: And a key to Silicon Campus!

Tom: Can I talk today, and then just not talk tomorrow?

Dr. Internet Doctor: You could, but if you do, you risk damaging your voice so badly that... you may never talk again! Welp... What’s that nurse? Oh, time for my emergency medical surgery thingy. I got to go. Surgery elevator going down to the surgery floor!

Hank: Wow... He has his own surgery elevator...

Tom: This was our year.

Angela: Don’t talk.

Hank: The doctor said don’t talk or you could lose your voice forever.

Tom: But I’m Talking Tom, I can’t not talk.

Angela: Have you ever tried? It’s just a week of no talking. You can do it. Just drop out of the competition. You’ll get ‘em next year!

Ben: Next year? Do you really think I’m gonna drop out of the “So You Think You Can App” App contest?! The biggest App contest of our careers?

Angela: Yeah. You kinda have to. I mean, you did electrocute your partner.

He electrocuted himself! You listen up for once, Talking Tom! You told me something today, and you said it without words. Do you know what you said? You said, “Ben, you can’t really rely on me because I don’t listen.”

Tom: Uh...

Ben: I’m not finished! And you know what else you said without saying a word?! You said, “Ben, I don’t take our business seriously, so you better learn how to do this alone.” What?! Did you just mumble, “Ben, if you do the competition without me you’ll ruin our company because you’re a terrible public speaker?!”

04:50

Well since you can’t talk and I can, I’d say right now I’m a better public

04:55

speaker than you are! Now if you’ll excuse me,

04:58

I have a presentation to give. Alone. By myself.

05:11

Don’t worry Tom, Angela is making something that

05:15

will fix your voice! Okay?!

05:18

Do you understand what I’m saying right now?

05:22

He lost his voice, Hank, not his hearing.

05:25

Oh,Tom since you can hear me, I’m going to stop yelling at you, Okay?

05:33

My grandmother was a great healer. She had a home remedy

05:36

that could cure anything.

05:38

Try this.

05:44

You know what?

05:45

It was my aunt who had all the home remedies.

05:47

My grandmother was a chili pepper farmer, and had a restaurant that served...

05:52

chili peppers mostly.

05:55

Hey, neighbour! You don’t mind if I borrow a few things, do you?

06:01

Just say no if you don’t want me to have it!

06:04

Well...

06:04

Okay, thanks, bye!

06:12

Welcome... to the third annual “So You Think You Can App” App contest!

06:17

Our data shows that there is no better way to nurture creativity in young minds

06:22

than through competition and humiliation.

06:25

And that’s the reason we’re here... for the competition.

06:28

And the humiliation.

06:31

And to award one lucky team of App developers this key to

06:35

my world famous Silicon Campus!

06:39

Oh. And this gigantic check!

06:43

Look at the size of that...

06:45

Anyway, let’s get started and bring out the first App contestant…

06:48

I feel like we should go to the contest and support Ben.

06:51

So do I... What about you, Tom?

06:54

I could tell part of Tom wanted to go support his friend,

06:57

and part of Tom was being stubborn. We really needed someone to talk to.

07:05

Welcome to the Internet Therapist. That’s me. Online since…

07:09

What’s the day… Wednesday?

07:11

Hey, aren’t you the Internet Doctor?

07:15

Hmm, interesting point. For now let’s focus on Tom’s conflict. Okay?

07:20

Okay. I’m focused.

07:22

Tom, are you angry at Ben?

07:25

But do you still consider Ben your business partner?

07:30

And would you expect him to share that gigantic check if he won the contest?

07:35

Well, then you sound sane to me.

07:37

Dr. Internet Therapist, your next patient is here.

07:39

Looks like our time is up... Now if you’ll excuse me,

07:42

I have urgent matters back at the asylum.

07:49

30 minutes later...

07:52

I don’t know what made that person think they could App.

07:55

Not a very good idea for an App at all, was it?

07:58

Are you having as much fun as I am?

08:01

Probably not since I make more money in a minute than most of you

08:04

will make your whole life.

08:06

I’m just kidding. I think.

08:08

Someone figure out how much I make in a minute.

08:11

Meanwhile, let’s welcome to the stage our next competitors...

08:14

Ah... Talking Tom and Ben!

08:19

Let’s see…

08:30

I can’t hear you!

08:33

Wait, that card was out of order.

08:36

Good afternoon, everybody!

08:39

Would you like to hear some

08:41

interesting crime statistics related to mobile phone theft?!

08:48

I can’t let them treat Ben like this!

08:50

Tom, wait!

08:56

Tom, what are you doing?

08:58

You can never tell how much you care about something until

09:02

you realize it can be taken away from you

09:04

Then why are you talking?!

09:06

Because it’s not my voice I’m worried about losing...

09:10

it’s you!

09:11

That’s the stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard!

09:14

We are partners and I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what.

09:19

Now let’s win this thing!

09:22

It is not worth it Tom. I won't let you talk!

09:24

Give it to me.

09:25

Hey, give me that! Tom!

09:30

Okay, that’s enough. Off my stage, both of you!

09:35

Well, those two certainly can’t App. I mean, what a total disaster.

09:40

I guess this is mine now, right? Finders keepers…

09:44

Oooooooooooh!

09:54

If there’s anything I learned today, it’s that Tom might be a lousy listener but

09:59

Leftover soup. Bon appetite!

10:02

Oh, thank you.

10:05

Like I was saying, Tom is a lousy listener, but he’s also a reliable business partner.

10:12

Stop it. I know you’re just trying to make me uncomfortable.

10:16

Oh boy, soup!

10:18

Just say no if you don’t want me to have it!

10:21

No!

10:22

Okay, thanks, bye!

10:24

Tom, he is taking your soup!

10:26

Shhhhhhh!