Blanket Fort/Transcript

Act I
(Scene shows a fort made from cardboard boxes in the living room. Hank and Ginger pretend to be kings and are dressed in costumes.)

Hank: Strength and honor, King Ginger. (shakes Ginger's hand)

Ginger: Strength and honor, Hank.

Hank: King Hank.

Ginger: Right. How fare our defenses?

Hank: Strongly! (taps fort wall with whisk) I just rewatched Season 2 of A Game For Kings and I realized when the dragons from the east do attack, they're going to come from the sky.

Ginger: Great thinking! I was just in the dungeon, and you know what I found?

(The "dungeon" is the inside of one of the cardboard boxes and inside are teddy bears with duct-tape on their muzzles.)

Hank: More prisoners we forgot about?

Ginger: Uh-huh!

Hank: Most awesome, fellow king! Ooh, we can use them as dragon bait!

(Hank and Ginger laugh and go back inside their fort.)

Angela: (to audience) Aww! Hank and Ginger are so cute in that fort. It's always great when they get along, and the fort's definitely bringing them closer. I think this is really constructive.

(Hank throws a pole at Angela.)

Angela: (dodges pole) Whoa!

Hank: Oops.

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts. The fort has expanded to the kitchen.)

Ginger: You've done an excellent job dragon-proofing the pillow wall.

Hank: Many thanks! I say we've earned a reward, fellow king. (holds up soda cup)

Ginger: Indeed. (shouts) Tom!

Tom: (enters) Yeah? Oh, hey, you guys added to that castle you built. That's adorable, and awesome! (chuckles)

Ginger: Silence, peasant! I command you to fetch us a draft of sweet and bubbly elixir, from the larder.

Tom: You guys know what a larder is?

Ginger: Soda, you fool! Fetch us soda! (throws cup)

Hank: (throws cup) I am the king of soda!

Ginger: No, I am.

Hank: Ginger is also the king of soda!

Tom: Oh, yeah, got you. (clears throat, in medieval accent) Well, please pardon me, m'lords! I'll have your refreshments presently, I will! (leaves)

(Scene cuts to the desk where Ben and Angela are.)

Tom: Aw, man, Hank and Ginger are really committed to that fort.

Ben: Yes, and for such primitive artisans, I've got to say I'm impressed. (shows images of fortresses on computer) It seems like they may have actually done some real research. And besides, if they silly game keeps them from bothering me, then I'm all for it!

Angela: Plus, you're scared of them.

Hank: (shouts) Oh, Tom! The kings of soda require your servitude again!

Ginger: Yes! Brrrring us soda, peasant! (laughs)

Tom: 'Right, gotta run, duty calls. (to Hank and Ginger) Comin', m'lords!

Act II
(Scene cuts. Ben is walking to the kitchen with his tablet when he finds that the kitchen has been blocked-off by the fort wall.)

Ben: Huh? Huh?! Ugh, are you kidding me?!

(The fort has been upgraded. There is now a large castle gate at the entrance.)

Ben: Hey, Ginger!

(Hank and Ginger appear. Hank holds a banana and Ginger holds an apple.)

Hank: (gasps) By the fires of Poodoo, what have we here?!

Ben: Hank, I'm trying to get to the kitchen.

Ginger: A troll! Looking to plunder our stores, no doubt!

Hank: State your business, beast!

(Ginger eats his apple.)

Ben: Guys, I'm in the middle of a project. I'm taking a lunch break.

(Ginger takes out a container of popcorn.)

Hank: But we're in the middle of a ruling a kingdom!

Ginger: I'm a king.

Hank: Yeah, we're kings.

(Hank takes out a sandwich and eats it.)

Ginger: I do believe we could grant you passage to the kitchen if you paid us a tribute, you landlubber.

Ben: W-wait, landlubber?!

Ginger: Yes.

Ben: That's a pirate expression!

Ginger: I know. Give us your gold!

(Hank holds a slice of pizza.)

Ben: Ginger, don't be ridiculous!

Ginger: (takes out sword) Yah!

Hank: Stayest thy hand, King Ginger. We shall settle for cake, foul creature, for I am a cake king! Right?

Ginger: Yeah, Hank's a cake king.

Ben: This is idiotic! I'm not taking part in your dumb game!

Ginger: Oh, you watch your tongue, vile beast!

Ben: I'm not a beast. I'm an adult, who's trying to take a break from working very hard. Now, if you won't move your stupid gate...

Hank: Ahem... portcullis!

Ben: I know what it's called! Now, out of my way! (pushes on gate, screams)

Hank: Soil my smallclothes! King Ginger, the troll is attacking our keep!

Ginger: I see it, King Hank! Fire at will!

(Hank and Ginger throw pillows at Ben.)

Ben: Huh- what- you-!

Ginger: We're just making it angrier! Pour the oil!

Hank: Pouring!

(Hank takes out a container of oil and pours it on Ben.)

Ben: Huh? (gets covered in oil) Olive oil?! (spits) That's expensive! I've had it with this stupid fort. (slips) Whoa! (falls)

Hank, Ginger: (laughs) Strength and honor!

(Scene cuts to the desk. Ben has cleaned off the oil and walks out of the bathroom.)

Ben: (growls) All right, enough's enough. The fort has to come down.

Tom: Calm down, calm down, I'll go talk to 'em.

Angela: Bad idea.

(Tom approaches the fort.)

Tom: Hey, Hank, Ginger? Listen, guys, we-

Hank, Ginger: Fire in the hole!

(Hank throws a pillow at Tom, winding Tom.)

Tom: Oh...!

Ginger: Direct hit!

Hank: Yay, verily!

(Tom goes back to Ben and Angela.)

Tom: (gasps for air) Whoa! Ben, you were not kidding.

Ben: I told you, they're relentless.

Angela: They are really into their roles.

(Scene cuts. Hank spots Angela waving a white cloth as she, Tom and Ben approach the fort.)

Hank: Ahoy, Captain King Ginger! You need to see this! Why do three peasants seek an audience with King Ginger, boss of everything, and Hank, king of cakes and master of televised lore?

Tom: Guys, uh, th-this has gone far enough. Th-the castle needs to come down.

Ginger: Methinks that King Ginger can decide when their own castle comes down. Wouldn't you agree, Cake King?

Hank: Yes, King Ginger, and I choose...

Both: Never!

Angela: You guys! Oiling Ben up wasn't cool. (sniffs olive oil) Ooh, does anyone else want pasta?

Hank: Behold! The castle has, uh... a moat!

Ginger: Yeah! You guys are in the moat and you're drowning, and you're dead, so bye!

Hank: Yeah!

Ben: You guys are blocking-off the kitchen! We actually need to eat.

Ginger: These scabrous upstarts remain determined to overthrow our rule! (screams) Attack!

(Hank and Ginger throw many pillows at Tom, Angela and Ben.)

Tom: Ow, ow, ow! Run away!

(Tom, Angela and Ben retreat to the upstairs bedroom. Hank and Ginger watch them and laugh.)

Ben: This is insane. Ginger and Hank's stupid game has taken over the whole garage! I can't work, and I've completely burned through the energy bars I keep in a drawer as an emergency backup!

Tom: I'm sick of being treated like a serf in my own house!

Ben: But what can we do?! They won't acknowledge anything that isn't part of their stupid pretend game!

Angela: So, we'll have to defeat them at their own game.

Tom: (gasps) You don't mean...

Angela: Prepare for... battle!

(A montage is shown of Tom, Angela and Ben preparing for battle. Angela cuts out a sword shape out of cardboard.)

(Ben puts on a toga and face paint.)

(Tom makes a suit of armor out of cardboard.)

(Ben helps Angela put on her armor.)

(They put their hands together and make a battle cry.)

Act III
(End of montage. Hank spots Tom and Angela pushing a large cardboard horse to the gate.)

Hank: They're charging right at us! Very slowly.

(Tom and Angela struggle to push the heavy cardboard horse.)

Hank: One of us should say, "Halt." Do you want to say it, or should I say it?

Ginger: (shouts) Halt!

(Tom and Angela stop pushing.)

Ginger: Why, pray tell, do you approach the fortress with this foreign thingy? And why are you armed?

Tom: (in British accent) Purely ceremonial, m'lords, I assure you. Jousting, turkey leg, medieval... British.

Angela: Yes, Your Highnesses! We come to beg thine- thou? Or thine?

Tom: Uh...

Angela: To beg your forgiveness for our earlier disrespect.

Hank: And where is the gross and stupid energy-bar-guzzler-troll Ben?

Tom: Alas, he could not be swayed to show you the proper respect, so he shall remain a hostage in my quarters in the land, um... the-the-the realm o-of the, uh, upstairs.

(Ben's silhouette is seen upstairs.)

Ginger: A rightful fate for one so disgusting and dishonorable! And what is in that chest there?

Angela: A giant cake, King Ginger, as a token of our fealty.

Hank: (gasps) Ginger, I'm a cake king!

Ginger: You are, King Hank! (to Angela) We shall accept this gift at the gate.

Hank: It's a portcullis!

(Tom and Angela push the horse forward.)

Angela: (whispers) It's working!

Ginger: Ahp, ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap, that's far enough.

(Hank and Ginger open the gate and approach the box.)

Hank, Ginger: Strength and honor!

(Hank and Ginger open the box to find Ben erupting from the box.)

Hank: (gasps) Gasp! What devilry be this?!

Ben: Now, Tom! Now!

(Tom and Angela charge at Hank and Ginger.)

Tom: British!

Ben: British!

Angela: Thou are going down! (throws spear)

(Hank dodges the spear.)

(Ben fights Ginger with a toilet brush. Meanwhile, Tom and Angela approach Hank.)

(Ginger leaps at Ben, but is knocked away by Ben's shield. Ben throws a pillow at Ginger, knocking him in the face.)

Ginger: Oh!

Ben: I got you! Got you with a pillow!

Ginger: Nuh-uh! I'm wearing magic armor!

Tom: Magic armor? Yeah, I remember that trick from when I was a kid. That's tough to beat. (continues fighting)

(Tom fights Hank with a whisk.)

(Ginger tries to back away into the castle.)

Ben: Oh, no, you don't!

(Ben charges past Ginger and closes the gate.)

Ginger: Aw! Curse you, troll!

Act IV
(Angela attacks Hank with a spear, who backs away.)

Hank: (laughs) You fool! Closing that gate... uh, portcullis... has only bought you time!

Angela: Seems like you're out of time, Hank. You guys said the rug was a moat, remember?

(Hank realizes that he is standing on the blue rug.)

Hank: Huh? The moat! Why did we say the rug was a moat?! (pretends to drown) Blub-blub-blub!

Angela: Have a nice swim.

(Ben charges at Ginger. Ginger fires suction-cup arrows at Ben, who blocks the arrows with a dartboard. He swipes the arrows off with his toilet brush.)

Ginger: (fires arrow) Take that!

(The arrow hits Ben in the head. Ben screams in slow-motion.)

Tom: (in slow-motion) Noooooo!

(Ben falls on the floor. Tom rushes to his side as Ben coughs.)

Tom: No, Ben, you've been cut down by a poison shot! No, breathe, Ben! Stay away from the light!

Ben: I am slain!

Ginger: Ha-ha! You'll never get-

(Tom throws his sword at Ginger.)

Ginger: (gasps) Oh, man! I'm totally dead, guys! Good shot, Tom! (falls on floor)

Angela: Woohoo!

(Tom, Ben and Angela laugh as they won the battle.)

Act V
(Scene cuts. Tom, Angela and Ben stand before Hank and Ginger.)

Tom: Ex-King Ginger and Ex-King Hank, I strip you both of all ranks and titles and fake royalty, and forthwith banish you from this fort!

(Hank and Ginger gasp.)

Ginger: (falls on floor) Awww! (cries)

Hank: Ginger, wait. They've won. I have naught left but the stale crumbs of my cakey crown. And this has gone on long enough. Let's be mature about this. Plus, we have jetpacks!

Ginger: Oh, yeah! Space!

(Hank and Ginger make whooshing noises and leave.)

Tom: Whew! Angela, your strategy worked perfectly!

Ben: Yes, excellent work.

Angela: Aw, thanks, guys! I just figured the only thing they respected was their game, so if we played along, they'd go with it!

Tom: (laughs) Yeah, and to be honest, it was actually pretty fun.

Ben: Well, I guess it's time to take this thing apart.

Tom: Yeah, I guess so.

Angela: Unless, uh... what if I go up to the wall to watch for dragons first?!

Tom: Good idea, Queen Angela! I'm headed to the larder to prepare us a victory feast.

Ben: I'll go tend my wounds, and make preparations in case there is another attack.

Tom: To the castle!

(Tom, Ben and Angela run into the castle.)

(Credits roll)