Hank vs. Vampires/Transcript

(Scene shows a salesman approaching on the garage door at night. Inside, Hank is seen watching TV. Hank yawns when the salesman knocks on the door.)

Hank: (opens door) Hello, uh, may I help you?

Salesman: Have you ever felt disappointed with... your television options? (laughs evilly)

Hank: Uh, no, I've never thought about that, but I'm thinking about it now.

(Tom and Angela appear. Tom clears his throat.)

(The salesman laughs nervously.)

Tom: Hank, what are you doing? Don't talk to a door-to-door salesman! (shakes Hank)

Angela: Yeah, back off, buddy! Go peddle your lies somewhere else.

Salesman: Oh, I am dreadfully sorry. I merely thought you might be interested in 500 television channels. (holds device)

Hank: (gasps) 500 channels? Tom, we should hear him out.

(Tom pulls Hank into the garage and closes the door.)

Tom: (to Hank) You can't trust a salesman. They'll say anything to try and make a sale!

Angela: And Tom should know, because he's basically a salesman.

Tom: Yeah. Wait, that was a compliment, right?

Angela: Um...

Tom: Eh, I'll take it as a compliment.

(Tom and Angela leave, leaving Hank alone.)

(Hank follows the salesman in the streets holding a jar of money. The salesman is whistling.)

Hank: Hey! Forget my friends. Here's some money. I need that gizmo!

Mysterious Man: Oh, this is a deal you assuredly will not regret! (laughs evilly)

Hank: (gives salesman the jar of coins and takes device) Why would I, right?

(The salesman laughs evilly.)

Hank: ...Right?

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to the living room. Ginger is reading on the couch when he sees Hank plugging the device into the television.)

Ginger: Ooh!

(Hank goes to the couch.)

Tom: So, you ignored us and bought the TV channels from the creepy guy, right?

Hank: Tom, it's not just TV channels, it's five hundred TV channels!

Tom: Fine, but don't complain when you realize that you bought a bunch of junk. (walks away)

Hank: Huh?

Ginger: (reads TV guide) Whoa, it says you get VTV, the vampire channel! It's so scary, the 'v's in the logo are fangs!

(Ginger shows the screen a picture of the VTV logo.)

(Hank cheers.)

Ginger: I'd never be allowed to watch this at home because I'd have nightmares! Let's watch it!

Hank: Oh, yeah!

(Hank hesitates at first, but then presses the "OK" button on his remote.)

(A man appears from a coffin on the television screen.)

Host: Welcome to the 13th season of ''Vampires Among Us: Fact or Fiction? It's Fact''.

Hank: 13th season?! I'm not caught up with the first 12 seasons!

Host: But before our 13th season premiere, we'll have a convenient marathon of our first 12 seasons- 74 hours of learning. (licks lollipop)

Hank: Ooh! This isn't going to be easy, but if I'm going to be the TV viewer I know I can be, then I've got a show to marathon!

(A short montage is shown of Hank preparing for the marathon by gathering items. Afterwards, Hank is seen watching the show.)

Host: ...and inside the grave was a bat! Fact or fiction? It's fact.

(Hank and Ginger scream.)

Ginger: (laughs) That was a good one! But it's a school night. I should probably get going.

Hank: Yeah, okay, good night! I've still got 71 hours left of this marathon to go.

Host: ...and we have no garlic!

(A montage is shown of Hank watching the show.)

Host: Vampires can take over a town without any non-vampires knowing. Remember, the greatest weapon against a vampire is knowledge.

(Hank slaps himself repeatedly to keep himself awake.)

(Scene cuts)

Host: No one is really safe from vampires. Not even... ghosts.

(Hank hugs his teddy bear.)

(Scene cuts. Hank is finishes using the toilet.)

Host: Sally didn't believe in vampires. Too bad vampires believed in her.

(Hank hides himself under a blanket.)

(Scene cuts.)

Host: The most dangerous vampires are the ones closest to us. It could be your spouse...

Hank: Whew, don't have to worry about that!

Host: It could be your best friend/roommate.

(Hank screams.)

(End of montage. Hank hides behind the couch. Just then, Tom appears.)

Tom: (turns off TV) Hank, we need to talk. You've been watching this show for over a day. You need to take a break.

Hank: I can't do that, Tom. There are vampires among us. I need to stay informed. (turns on TV)

Tom: (eerily) Let's just go for a walk. It's a nice night.

Hank: N-no, I'm busy!

(Tom disappears.)

Hank: Tom? Where- where'd you go, Tom? (distressed) Hello? Is anybody there?

Host: Your own home could be a vampire den, so you have to look for the signs. A house that has vampires will definitely have no garlic.

Hank: Phew! We have garlic, right in the kitchen on our garlic plate-

(The garlic plate is empty.)

Hank: (gasps) Help me, TV! Tell me what to do!

Host: We'll be back after these short messages from our sponsors.

(A commercial is played.)

Commercial: (sings)

Garlic fries,

Garlic pies,

You know what our food implies,

We love garlic!

(A silhouette appears.)

Hank: Huh?

(The silhouette is of Ben.)

Ben: What are you doing?

Hank: It's terrible! (shakes Ben) We're out of garlic! And Tom was acting weird. I think he might be... a vampire!

Ben: That's logical, Hank. After all... (eyes turn red and fangs appear) we are all vampires!

Hank: (screams) It's just like the VTV logo!

(Hank moves backward, only to bump into Tom and Angela. Both have red eyes and fangs.)

(Hank screams.)

(Ginger appears as a vampire.)

Ginger: (laughs) You're just in time for the vampire feast!

(Bats fly in from above.)

Angela: Yeah. To be the vampire feast!

(Hank runs out of the garage, still chased by the bats.)

Hank: No! No! Vampires! Vampires among us! It's fact!

(Hank arrives at the park. Several people, all of whom are vampires, hiss at Hank.)

Hank: (screams) No, no, no, no, no!

(Hank screams at a billboard with a vampire on it. Bats continue circling around Hank. Hank faints.)

(Hank's nightmare is shown. Hank is shackled to a barbecue.)

Friends: (chants) Vampire feast! Vampire feast! Vampire feast! Vampire feast!

Hank: Okay, make it quick!

(Tom prepares to eat Hank.)

(The nightmare ends. Scene cuts back to garage. Hank is tied up on the couch.)

Hank: (winces) Did you do it yet?

(The friends are normal people. Their appearance as vampires was only Hank's imagination.)

Ben: It seems Hank's too-long TV session has warped his mind. He can't tell fact from fiction!

Angela: Come on, Hank! There's no such thing as vampires!

Hank: Spoken like a lying vampire! I've seen the evidence on the show!

Angela: I'm not a lying vampire!

Ben: I know, but contradicting the show's logic isn't going to work.

Tom: Hmm, maybe what we need to do is play along!

(Scene cuts to night. Hank continues struggling with his ropes when the TV turns on.)

(Tom pretends to be the host of the VTV channel.)

Tom (on TV): (as vampire host) Welcome back to ''Vampires: Fact or Fiction? It's Fact''.

Hank: Ooh, you're back! Wait, something's different!

Tom: Uh, no, this is a regular episode of the show you're watching.

Hank: Oh, good!

(The scene shows the friends filming the show live, faking an episode.)

Tom: Today's episode is our most important one ever. It's about... the slayer, the one person that can defeat the vampire menace forever! And that slayer's name is... Hank!

Hank: (gasps) Could I be the... no, it's probably a different Hank.

Tom: It's easy to know if you're Hank the Slayer! Vampire slayers are great at untying ropes!

(Hank's ropes suddenly cut, freeing him.)

(Ginger is seen behind the couch with a pair of scissors, revealing that he had cut the ropes.)

Tom: Slayers also bear an image of vampire fangs on the back of their hand!

(Hank finds that an image of the VTV logo is on the back of his right hand.)

Hank: (gasps) I never saw that before! So maybe I really am the slayer!

(Angela is seen hiding in the kitchen with a marker, revealing that she had drawn on the image.)

Tom: Yes, there you go. That's what we were going for. You're the one who can save the world!

Hank: (laughs) Once and for all!

(A short montage is shown of Hank preparing to battle the "vampires." He exercises, practices fighting with toilet brushes, and orders garlic on the phone.)

Hank: (on call) I'd like to order garlic fries. Extra garlic, hold the fries.

(End of montage. Hank stands by the TV.)

Hank: Okay, TV show. I hope you were right about me. (calls out) Vampires, show yourselves!

(Tom, Ben and Angela appear as vampires.)

Hank: It's time to raise the stakes!

(Hank leaps at Angela with his toilet brush, only for Angela to dodge. Hank's brush is stuck in the couch, and Angela prepares to attack.)

(Hank uses his second brush to stab Angela. Angela, who holds the brush in her armpit, pretends to have been defeated.)

Angela: (screams) My weakness! (faints)

(Ben approaches Hank. Hank finally frees his toilet brush and backs away. Hank throws the brush at Ben.)

(The brush misses Ben, but Ben catches the brush and pretends to have been defeated anyway. Ben screams and faints.)

(Tom appears.)

Tom: (in Russian accent) It will not be so easy to defeat Tom-acula.

(Hank shows Tom a clove of garlic. Tom cries out. Hank uses a slingshot to launch garlic cloves at Tom. One of them land in Tom's mouth. Tom faints.)

Hank: (puts on hat) Three down, one to go.

Ginger: Well done, slayer, but you can't defeat the master vampire... me! (leaps at Hank and laughs)

Hank: The oldest of the bloodsuckers shall take the form of a child. Classic vampire thing!

(Hank launches multiple garlic cloves at Ginger, who dodges them all.)

(Hank chases Ginger upstairs. They begin fighting on a ceiling beam.)

Ginger: Take that! (hits Hank)

(Hank loses his balance and falls.)

Ginger: Hank! No!

(Tom throws a cushion just beneath Hank as he lands safely on the first floor.)

(Ben and Angela sigh and faint.)

(Ginger flies down using a rope and laughs.)

Hank: How could you do this to me? We watched the vampire show together! (bumps into garage door)

Ginger: It was all my plan to reveal you as a slayer, so I could slay you!

Hank: Good plan, except I watched Episode 18, and I know the vampire's greatest weakness... (opens garage door) ...sunlight!

(Outside the garage is a sunrise.)

Ginger: (screams) No! I'm turning to dust! I will return! No, I won't! I'm gone for good, and so are all other vampires in this town! They die when the master vampire dies! (faints)

Hank: (pants) I did it! I saved the world! (falls asleep)

(Scene cuts back to the living room. Hank is sleeping on Angela's lap. Hank wakes up.)

Friends: There he is!

Hank: Whoa! You won't believe the crazy dream I just had!

Tom: That wasn't a dream! You watched way too much of that TV show about vampires and you went nuts.

Hank: Oh, that makes sense! No more vampires! From now on, I'm only going to watch shows about zombies!

Friends: No, no, no, no, no!

Ben: (tries to take remote) Give me that!

(The salesman is seen in the garage door window. He laughs evilly and walks away.)

(Credits roll)