Angela's Critic/Transcript

(The episode begins with Angela hiding in the kitchen. She takes her phone and calls Tom, who was watching TV with Hank in the living room.)

(Tom's phone vibrates, and he picks up.)

Tom: (on call) Oh, hey, Angela! What's going on?

Angela: Wait a second. Did I just hear the sound of your phone not making a sound when I called?

Tom: Well, I don't know what you're...

(Angela walks in front of Tom.)

Tom: (gasps) Hello.

Hank: Whoops. (turns off TV)

Tom: (nervously) How are you?

Angela: 'Cause yesterday, I changed your ringtone to my new song, "What's Not To Love."

Tom: Yeah, I found that out when my phone rang at the Museum of Silence.

Hank: Yeah, the tour guide was so mad, he almost said something.

Angela: Well, this isn't a museum, so why don't you turn it back on ?

Tom: (tries to make fake excuse) Uh... because... let's see, how can I put this?

Angela: I knew it. You hate my new song.

Tom: (shocked) What?! I like it. Everybody likes it. I mean, Hank, what do you think of Angela's new song? (plays song on phone)

Hank: (makes fake excuse) Huh? I have to go and uh... watch my carrots grow. I planted carrots in my excuse garden. (leaves)

Tom: Okay, Angela, fine. You wanna know the truth? (lies) The truth is... I loved your song!

Angela: Really? Oh!

Tom: Yes! Totally! And now that I think about it, I'm gonna make sure I hear "What's Not To Love" every time I get a call.

Angela: Wow!

Tom: (sets ringtone to "What's Not to Love") And... there!

Song: ''Wa-ah-oh, Wa-ah-oh, what's not to love... ''

(Tom plays the song, pretending to like the song.)

(Theme song plays)

(Hank is in the kitchen.)

Hank: (eats carrot) Mmm, earthy.

Ben: (holding cereal box) Did you wash that carrot?

Hank: No, did you wash your cereal?

Ben: Huh?

Angela: (enters) You guys, guess why today is better than yesterday and why tomorrow will be even better than today! Okay, so you know Victoria Payne?

Ben: Victoria Payne?

Ginger: Ooh!

Ben: Isn't she that really mean music critic from the Thumbs-Up Thumbs-Down Report?

Ginger: Yeah! Remember when she made that hip-hop star, Tough-Guy No-Tears, cry?

Tom: (laughs) And then she gave his crying a thumbs-down.

Ginger: Wow, she's so cool!

Angela: Well, tomorrow, she's coming here to interview me and review my new song!

Tom: (spits out coffee into mug and chokes) What?! Why would you agree to that?

Angela: Because if Victoria Payne gives you a thumbs-up, it basically means you've made it in the music world.

Tom: Angela, this is a mistake. Victoria Payne doesn't like anyone!

(A montage is played of Victoria Payne giving several "thumbs-downs" so the people she reviews.)

Victoria Payne: Thumbs down. Thumbs down. Thumbs down.

(The montage ends.)

Angela: I know she can be negative, but guess what. I'm positive! And you know what happens when a negative meets a positive?

Hank: An angel gets its wings!

Angela: Close. It turns a thumbs-down into a thumbs-up.

(Tom does a confessional in the taxi.)

Tom: (to the viewer) This isn't good. Angela got upset when she thought I didn't want her new song as my ringtone?

(Camera cuts)

Tom: How is she going to handle a review from Victoria Payne?

(Camera cuts)

Tom: Well, if Angela's going to do the interview, all I can do is be there for her.

(Tom's phone plays "What's Not to Love.")

Ringtone: Wa-ah-oh, wa-ah-oh,

(End of confessional. Scene cuts to Angela putting a flower vase on the coffee table to prepare for the interview.)

Angela: (puts down flower vase) Instant springtime!

(Tom enters and pulls the flower vase from Angela.)

Angela: Tom, what are you doing?

Tom: If Victoria's allergic to these flowers, you're guaranteeing a bad review.

Angela: Tom, relax. You're getting all worried for nothing. I've never had a bad review.

Tom: Yeah, but look who reviewed you: (refers to magazines on table) Happiness Monthly, Journal of Positivity.

Angela: Don't forget The Awesome Report.

Tom: The Awesome Report...

Angela: That's me. It says I'm awesome. Oh, and Smile Magazine...

Tom: Smile Magazine... Victoria Payne doesn't work for Smile Magazine. She makes a living out of ruthlessly crushing singers.

(Hank, Ginger and Ben nod.)

(A knock is heard at the front door.)

Angela: This is it! Break a leg, me.

(Ginger opens the door. Victoria enters.)

Angela: Victoria, welcome! It is an honor to meet you.

Victoria: Well, look at you! You are definitely Angela.

(Angela laughs nervously and curtsies.)

(Tom, Ben, Ginger and Hank are watching from behind a wall. Tom notices Angela's curtsy.)

Tom: Ooh, what was that move?

Ginger: A curtsy?

Ben: Not a cool move in this situation. Definitely not cool.

(Victoria sits down on the couch.)

Angela: Is there anything I can get you? Oh, are you cold? I can get you a sweater. Sometimes when I'm cold, I put on a sweater.

Victoria: Ooh, no, thanks.

Angela: Oh, that's cool. I mean, not like cold, 'cause it's the right temperature, but that's great.

Ben: "When I'm cold, I put on a sweater?"

(Tom sighs.)

(Scene cuts to later on in the interview. Victoria takes notes.)

Angela: Do I talk or...

Victoria: Sorry, it's just that you're so... nice.

Angela: Oh, thanks, Victoria. So are you.

Victoria: How did you come up with your new song, "What's Not to Lohve?" Or, I'm sorry, do you still say "love?"

Angela: Great question, Victoria. Well, I started thinking about the things I love and I realized I pretty much love everything! (giggles) You know what I mean?

Victoria: You know, I'm not sure I do.

Tom: (interrupts) Well, I know what you mean, Angela! (to Victoria) I'm Tom.

Victoria: Hi, great!

Angela: Tom! (giggles nervously)

Victoria: So, here are some of your song titles: "Look for the Rainbow in Every Rainbow," "Happy Longer than Forever," and now, "What's Not to Love." So how would you respond to a person who says your songs are "too cheerful?"

Angela: A person said that? Who? Can you tell me their name?

Tom: A person could say anything on the internet. That doesn't mean it's true.

Victoria: Guys, you can't let stuff written on the internet bother you, okay?

Tom: Well, that is just- oh, yeah.

Angela: Oh, okay, I won't.

(Scene cuts to later in the interview, with Angela performing her song.)

Angela: (sings)

What's Not to Love?

Yeah!

(The friends applaud.)

Angela: Thank you, thank you.

Victoria: (sighs) What a performance.

Angela: (laughs) Thanks. I'm so glad you liked it.

Victoria: Well, I think I've seen enough to write the article.

Angela: Oh.

Victoria: It has been really nice meeting all of you.

Tom: (salutes) It was nice meeting you, too.

(Victoria leaves.)

Ginger: (closes door) Huh, she's not as mean as I thought.

Hank: Yeah, I kinda like her.

Ben: I just don't get it. She's not like I expected at all.

Tom: We were wrong about Victoria Payne. I guess we worried for nothing.

(Scene cuts to the friends viewing Victoria Payne's review online.)

Victoria: (on video) Hey everyone! Victoria Payne here. Welcome to the Thumbs-Up, Thumbs-Down Report. Today, we'll be talking about a local singer trying to make a name for herself. (refers to photo onscreen) This is Angela. She's likeable, she's friendly, she has a nice voice, and she has a new song called, "What's Not to Love."

(Angela seems to be happy at the review.)

Victoria: Hmm, "What's Not to Love?" Well, let me see, for starters, this song...

(Angela gasps.)

Tom: Oh, no.

Victoria: "What's Not to Love" sounds like it was cranked out by, like, a songwriting machine that doesn't know what ears are. Its sugary sweet sound and fake positive message give me a headache. I have a big message for Angela's friends, and it's, um, don't encourage her. Oh, and Angela, I have a message for you, too! Write better songs. Angela, Angela, Angela, I want to tell you that if this is all you've got, you've got to never sing again! (laughs) Okay? I give Angela a thumbs-down! Payne out.

(The video ends.)

Angela: Ben, is it possible to erase the internet?

Ben: Well, not without a pretty major solar flare...

Angela: Then I guess my career is over.

(Scene cuts to Angela talking to the viewers, crying from under a blanket (which she calls the Sadness Cave) over the negative review.)

Angela: (to audience) Okay, it's the day after the thumbs-down, and I still feel mad! No, I feel super mad! You know what? I just thought of something! I am going to write a mean review of Victoria!

(The camera cuts.)

Angela: Okay, you guys, update. I couldn't write a mean review. I really try, but I'm like, "What's the point?" And then I went on the internet and I saw this thing that said you can't fight fire with fire, and I was like, yeah, you can't, that just causes more fire. Ugh, someone should put that on a pillow.

(The camera cuts.)

Angela: Oh, no, maybe Victoria was right. Yeah, maybe I do give people headaches. I have a headache right now. Oh, that is it, I am never singing again. That's sad. I know, I love singing. But I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm really, really going to miss it.

Tom: (interrupts) Hey, Angela? Do you think maybe it's time to come out from under that blanket?

Angela: That's Tom. He doesn't like my music either!

Tom: Alright, that's enough! (pulls off blanket)

Angela: (screams) Hey, give me back my Sadness Cave!

Tom: You're not getting back my Sadness Cave until you listen to what I have to say.

Angela: (groans)

(Scene cuts to Angela talking with her friends.)

Ginger: (holds up smoothie) Smoothie?

Angela: (sniffs) Thanks. (takes smoothie)

Tom: First of all, I like your music. Stop saying that I don't. And second, why do you even care?

Angela: What do you mean, why do I care?

Tom: Do you like your music?

Angela: Yes.

Tom: And do you like your new song?

Hank: What's not to love?

(A confessional is shown of Hank explaining what he said.)

Hank: I meant it as an answer to Tom's question, but it's also the title of Angela's song.

(Confessional ends)

Angela: Yes, I love my song.

Tom: And doesn't your opinion of the song matter more than my opinion, or Victoria's?

Ben: Let's see if I can interpret. Angela thinks her problem is with her music, but the solution to this problem is also her music. So, instead of being sad, she should write a song that turns this thumbs-down situation into a thumbs-up!

Angela: Maybe you guys are right. Writing music does make me feel better.

(Angela makes a music video of another song titled "Payne Can't Hurt Me.")

Angela: (sings)

I emerged from the Sadness Cave with a smile on my face.

All your negativity is gone without a trace.

''"Never sing again?" "Never sing again?"''

Check your ears right now, Victoria, 'cause I am not never singing again!

''Pain can't hurt me! (Victoria Payne)''

''Pain can't hurt me! (Victoria Payne)''

Pain can't hurt me!

You see, it's her name.

You called me sugar sweet!

''You gave me a thumbs-down! (thumbs-down!)''

I got news for you!

(The song is played in the background.)

Angela: You were right! Writing a song made me feel so much better.

Ben: The number of views is going up like crazy!

Tom: This is your best song ever!

Angela: Thanks, Tom. On a scale of 1 to 10, you guys are the best.

Ben: Oh, listen to what people are saying! (reads comments) "Angela, you're my hero."

Angela: Aw, that's sweet.

Ben: "Your song made my day."

Angela: Well, that comment made my day!

Ben: Here's another one! "Angela, your music is horrible and you should probably never open your mouth again!" Oh, no.

Angela: What? Who said that? What's their screen name? Write it down, we're going after them.

(Credits roll)