Basketball Hero/Transcript

(Ginger, Darren and Ronnie are playing in a basketball game.)

Ginger: I'm open! I'm open!

(The crowd cheers.)

Tom: Alright, come on, Ginger! Come on, woo!

(Ginger's team is clearly struggling.)

Tom: We haven't won a Tiny League basketball team in years, but I think we're going to win this one.

Ben: I don't know, Tom, I'm no bucketball crackerjack, but I'm pretty sure we're still down by one point.

Tom: Yeah, but look! Ginger's about to fire up a game-winning shot!

(Ginger is keeping the ball away from an opponent)

Angela: You got this! I can feel it!

Ginger: Yeah!

(Ginger shoots the ball.)

(The ball misses.)

(The crowd groans.)

(The klaxon blasts, ending the game. Ginger's team has lost.)

Tom: Owww, I felt that.

Ginger: The ball cheated! It's not faaaair!

(theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to Ginger entering the garage. The friends do not notice him entering.)

Angela: No one talk about the game in front of Ginger. We don't want to remind him that his team would've won if he hadn't thrown the ball like a doofus!

(Angela notices Ginger.)

Angela: (nervously) But, uh, enough about my other friend, Ginger, named Ginger. Look, it's our Ginger!

Ginger: Aw, save it, I know I stink.

Ben: Ginger, don't be so hard on yourself. Your whole team stinks.

Ginger: (falls) Ow, I know. And next week's game will be even worse. We're playing our rivals, those jerk-faced jerks, the Johnsonville Jesters.

Tom: Oh, I cannot stand those jerks! They are just so jerky!

Ginger: The jerkiest! Beating them is gonna take a miracle.

(Hank appears.)

Hank: (holding a coconut) Oh, ho, ho, great news! The grocery store is giving away half-price coconuts!

(Hank bounces the coconut like a basketball before tossing it. It lands perfectly on the water cooler.)

Hank: Aw man!

Ben: Holy hook shot!

Ginger: Hank, that was incredible! (gets idea) (gasps) You're the miracle my team needs! You have to play for us!

Tom: Hold on, alright, I don't think Hank can join a third-grade basketball team. That can't be allowed. He's an adult.

Ben: Actually, there's no rule against it. (takes out rulebook) According to Section L of the school handbook, anyone can play on the third-grade team, as long as they're in the third grade.

Hank: Wait, what's going on here?

Ginger: (begs) Please, Hank. Go back to third grade so you can help us win a basketball game. We need this!

Hank: Well, it's been a while since I've alleyed an oop. Gone coast to coast. Crashed the boards with some triple-doubles. That's basketball for yes!

(The friends cheer.)

(Montage of Hank.)

(Hank enters the school and is admired by the girls.)

(At basketball practice, Hank shoots a ball into the basket.)

Ronnie: Whoa! So that's what it looks like when it goes in the hole!

Ginger: Didn't I tell ya? Hank is the best!

Darren: Fantastic! Not only does our team finally have a ringer, but now, I don't have to play! (throws ball) Laaaa!

(Hank is talking to girls in the hallway.)

Hank: And so I said, "Johnsonville Jesters? You should call your team the Johnsonville Jerks!

(The girls laugh.)

(The principal appears.)

Principal: Hank! Did I hear someone calling someone a jerk out here?

Hank: Sorry, sir, I was just talking about Johnsonville.

Principal: Oh, you mean Jerksonville! (laughs) Star player.

(Concludes montage.)

(Hank is in class.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Did you hear me? I asked what you're left with if you subtract 3 from 7.

Hank: I believe the answer is nothing- nothing but net! Woo! (throws crumpled paper)

(The paper lands into the fishtank.)

(The class cheers.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Quiet! Hank, you may be a hotshot hoopster, but you're about to flunk my class!

Hank: Sorry, Ms. V. It's just that I don't really care about that stuff. I'm here to ball.

Ms. Vanthrax: Yes, I can see that from your answers on your homework. (picks up blank paper) Unfortunately for you, the school rules say that if you fail a class, (crumples paper) you can't play on a sports team! So study up, or get out! (throws paper into fishtank)

(Scene cuts to Hank playing a video game at the garage.)

Tom: So there's the guy who's gonna lead us to Tiny League Victory! How was practice? Did you learn any new moves?

Hank: Ugh, no.

Angela: What's this? (picks up card) A note from school?

Hank: I don't know. Probably the teachers want my autograph or something.

Angela: It says that if you don't pass your next test, you're gonna fail out of school!

Hank: Ugh, fine! Tell me something I don't know! Get off of my case!

Tom: Don't you talk to your friend like that!

(Tom turns off the TV.)

Hank: No!

Angela: Listen, buddy, third-grade tests are tough, but you can handle it. I know, because I made it through third grade once, and so did you.

Hank: Well, this isn't once anymore, is it? It's twice! (runs upstairs crying) You don't understand! Nobody understands!

(Hank shuts himself in his room.)

(Scene cuts to Hank talking to his teammates in front of school.)

Hank: Ugh, what does passing even have to do with basketball? Nothing!

Ronnie: I'll bet Ms. Vanthrax was just jealous of our raw, athletic talent!

Darren: You know, if you want to be sure you pass, you could cheat!

Ginger: Zip it, Darren! Quit joking around!

Darren: Oh, I'm not joking. I cheat all the time!

Ronnie: Cheating wouldn't be that hard! All you have to do is find your way to the answer vault that Ms. Vanthrax keeps under her desk!

Ginger: You knock it off! Hank is the best guy I know! He would never do something like that! Tell 'em, Hank! (Hank leaves) Hank? Hank?

(Scene cuts to Ginger on couch.)

Ginger: Can I ask you guys a question? I'm worried... about a friend of mine.

Ben: A friend, huh? Is this friend a little guy named Ginger?

Ginger: No, I said it's a friend, Ben! Are you even listening? Ugh. It's Hank. I think he might try stealing the answers to a test.

Tom: What? If he gets caught, he'll be kicked off the team! I'm gonna give that kid a piece of my mind!

Ginger: It's not his fault! He's falling in with a bad crowd.

Angela: Are you sure about this, Ginger? Hank is upstairs studying right now. Why would he study if he was just gonna... (realizes that Hank might try escaping out the window)...steal all the answers? Oh, no! (runs upstairs)

Friends: Hank! Are you in there? Are you in there? Hank! (opens bedroom door)

(The bedroom is empty and the window is open.)

Angela: Oh, no, where did he go?

(Scene cuts to Hank trying to infiltrate the school at night in a knight's helmet.)

Hank: Man, it's hot in here. (bumps into principal)

Principal: Whoa! The school is closed.

Hank: Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Principal: Are you telling me that you have to go inside and return that mascot costume to the gym?

(Hank nods.)

Principal: Well, that's fair. Hurry back.

(Hank runs inside and receives a call from Darren.)

Darren (on call): You're in! Now, don't lose your head. Get into Vanthrax's vault, get those answers, and get out!

(Hank runs to Ms. Vanthrax's classroom.)

(Ms. Vanthrax sees Hank through the door window. Hank runs away.)

Ms. Vanthrax: (opens door) Something's not right.

(Hank has blended in with a poster.)

Ms. Vanthrax: These new athletic posters have no place in a school! They encourage rambunctiousness! And there's already far too much of that! (grunts and leaves)

Hank: (takes off helmet and sighs) Phew! (throws away helmet and runs inside) I'm in! But I don't know about this! I'm getting cold feet!

Ronnie: That's weird!

Darren: The only way we win our big game is if you play, and the only way you play is if you cheat, so do it!

(Hank goes to Ms. Vanthrax's desk drawer and prepares to open it.)

Hank: I guess this is who I am now.

(The friends enter.)

Tom: No, it's not! Hank, what are you doing? You're not a cheater. You're probably the least cheaterist guy I know.

Hank: Get outta here, you knuckleheads! I have to do this! Everyone's counting on me!

Ben: Hey, calm down, buddy. We understand what you're going through. School can be overwhelming to some people.

Hank: There's just so much pressure! And I don't want to let everybody down! (sobs)

Angela: Oh, Hank, that's why it's okay to ask for help.

Hank: So, I'll just grab the answers and this one time and never do it again!

(The friends stop Hank from opening the drawer.)

Ginger: Hank is right! There's too much pressure on us kids. Everything we can do to make it easier is good, not bad. In fact, I say we steal copies of all the test answers!

Ben: No, not that either!

Hank: Ginger, no, stop! You don't need to go down this dark path!

Ginger: Why not? It works for you, and you're the coolest, awesomest, best basketball-playingest guy in the school. I want to be just like you.

Hank: Just like me?

(Hank gets a call from Darren.)

Darren: Did you do it? What's taking so long? Become a cheater already!

Hank: You know what, Darren? I don't have time for this answer-stealing nonsense, because I have a test to study for! (throws phone into fishtank)

Darren: Nooo!

Tom: I knew you'd make the right decision! But is there still time to make things right?

Ben: Of course there is, with a good old-fashioned last-minute all-night cram session!

(A montage is played of Hank studying for the test at night.)

(Scene cuts to the school after the test.)

Ms. Vanthrax: I'm afraid this isn't the outcome some of us were hoping for. I hope we can take this opportunity to learn the consequences of our actions!

(The class groans.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Because apparently, my tests aren't challenging enough! You passed, Hank. Just barely. You can play in the stupid hoopball game!

Class: (cheers) Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank!

(Scene cuts to the basketball game.)

Tom: Oh, come on, guys!

(Hank gets the ball and prepares to shoot.)

Ginger: Come on, Hank, shoot!

(Ginger's words are muffled, as Hank falls asleep in the game. The ball falls towards Ginger.)

(Ginger takes the ball and shoots the ball into the basket, winning his team the game. The crowd cheers.)

Ginger: I did it! I did it, Hank! Get up! You have to see this! Hank, look at me! This is no time to sleep!

(Hank does not wake up. Ginger sighs.)

(Credits roll)