Poker Face/Transcript

(Scene shows the garage at night. The Landlord watches the friends through a window. Inside the garage, the friends are playing a pasta-based gambling game.)

Tom: I'll bet one tortellini and one teaspoon to start. (places tortellini and spoon on table)

Angela: Mm-mm, I think Tom's kettle is too spicy for me. I am out.

Hank: Ooh, Tom's on a roll. I'm out too. (puts head on table)

Ginger: Oh, are you playing Noodle Spoons?! I want to play! I want to play!

Tom: Sorry, Ginger, you're too young for this game.

Angela: (gasps) Ben raises it two spoons?!

(Ben places two spoons on the table and pushes them forward.)

Ben: You have two burnt noodles showing, Tom. To win, you need at least a wild fettuccine in your kettle. The odds of that are 300 to 1.

Tom: (chuckles) I'm not playing the odds, I'm playing you. (spreads out spoons on table)

(Ben nervously pushes his stack of spoons forward.)

Angela: (gasps) Looks like Ben's going all-in too!

Ben: Oh, I can't do it! (hugs spoons)

Angela: Ben folds! Noodle Spoons, goin' to Tom.

(Tom does a short dance before sitting back down.)

Ben: Show me what you had, Tom. I have to know!

Tom: Eh, you were right. I was bluffing.

(Tom lifts his pot to reveal only one pasta bowtie underneath.)

(Ben bangs the table in frustration.)

Angela: I knew it! I didn't know it.

(The Landlord enters.)

Hank: (imitates horn) All hail the lord of the land, the Lan-

Landlord: Silence! I warned you once about being loud, nothing. I warned you twice, still nothing. Do you know what happens now?

Hank: Uh, third time's the charm, right?

Landlord: You're all evicted.

(Everyone gasps.)

(Theme song plays)

Hank: I beg of thee! Do not cast us from your lands, Your Landlordship!

Tom: We were playing Noodle Spoons and we got carried away. We're sorry.

Landlord: Hm, Noodle Spoons. What a novel game. I've never heard of it.

Tom: Never played Noodle Spoons?! Oh, man, sit down!

Landlord: It looks fun, is it fun?

Tom: You gotta let me show you how fun this is!

(Hank gives the Landlord a seat.)

Landlord: Okay, boil me in.

(Scene cuts to the end of a game. The Landlord lifts his pot to reveal a coil of fettuccine.)

Angela: Well, the Landlord's triple-linguini beats Tom's pair of ramen noodles.

Tom: (laughs) You won... again. (groans) I can't believe it!

Landlord: This is a fun game! Teaching me this fun game, how 'bout we say you no longer evicted?

(The friends cheer.)

Landlord: Everyone friends again.

Hank: Thank thee, Your Landlordship.

Landlord: Look at all these noodles and these spoons. Too bad we weren't playing for something more valuable, ay?

Tom: We could do that... (puts on shades) if you want.

Landlord: Oh, no, I- what do you suggest?

Tom: How about this: if I win this next game, we get... (zoom into mouth) free rent for one month.

Landlord: Okay? And if I win, I get to be CEO of your company... (fiddles with spoons) for a month.

(The friends gasp.)

Ben: What?!

Tom: All I heard was "okay." Let's do this!

(Scene cuts to the end of the game. The Landlord slightly lifts his pot and peeks in.)

Landlord: Oh, goodness. Molly me. I should have quit when I had the chance. I never even heard of this!

Angela: Gentlemen, your final noodle. Okay, Tom, show us your noodles.

(Tom lifts his pot, revealing a coil of linguine and two rigatoni.)

Angela: Woah, pretty impressive! Tom has a full pot: linguini high and macaroni on the shelf!

(The friends cheer.)

Landlord: All the same color, all the same size. (lifts pot) No one wants that, right?

(Tom and Angela gasp.)

Angela: No, you have a spinach-noodle flush!

Tom: (dizzy) Spi- nood- flush?! (faints)

Landlord: I win this game? No... ah, that means I am your CEO for a month! (laughs) Weep them and read it!

Tom: No, no, no, no, no, no, this is not happening. We're playing again.

Ben: Don't do this, Tom.

Hank: (holds up crystal ball) Ben's right. You should quit. You're not on a roll anymore.

Tom: It's up to the players to decide if they want to quit, and I don't. One more game!

Landlord: (takes lollipop) Sure, this is fun, yeah, but I pick the bet. If you win, everything is back to normal, but if I win, I get to be the CEO of Tom and Ben Enterprises... forever!

Ben: What?!

(Hank gasps.)

Tom: Yeah, whatever, it's a deal!

Ben: It's a deal?! Tom, what are you thin-

Landlord: (holds up lollipop) Silence! (slurps lollipop)

(Scene cuts to the end of the game. Tom lifts his pot to reveal three short stacks of lasagna.)

Tom: A lasagna straight! See, Ben? I told you I know what I'm doing! (laughs)

Angela: And the landlord...

(The Landlord lifts his pot to reveal a tall stack of lasagna.)

Angela: ...also has a lasagna straight! But wait... (gasps) it's gluten-free! The Landlord wins!

Tom: Aw, come on!

Ben: Oh!

Landlord: (laughs) And you know what that means! Landlord is now your new boss! (echoes)

(The screen shows a psychedelic scene of Tom and Ben in a purple spiral with a lollipop and pictures of the Landlord.)

Landlord: Weep them and read it. Company meeting outside, five minutes. Do not be late.

Hank: Man, talk about beginner's luck!

Landlord: Beginner?! Yeah, right. I am no beginner. No, sir, dippy-dandy. (throws book on table) I wrote the book on how to be a Noodle Spoon-hustler.

Hank: (reads back of book) Soon to be a major motion-picture. Hey, can I borrow that?

(The landlord exits.)

(Scene cuts to the taxi. The friends are there.)

Tom: The Landlord wrote the book on Noodle Spoons? I wonder why he never said anything!

Ginger: Because he was hustling you? So obvious.

(The Landlord drops a yellow bucket on the floor. The friends gasp. The Landlord holds an extendable stick.)

Landlord: These are for cleaning, Mr. Genius, 'cause we're a cleaning company now! (laughs)

(The friends stand at attention.)

Landlord: (to Tom) Do you understand this?!

Angela: Uh... I don't actually work for the company, so, (laughs nervously) good luck with, um, everything. Bye! (leaves)

(A montage is shown of Tom, Ben and Hank cleaning the comedy club. Tom is scrubbing a railing when Ginger tickles his belly, causing him to fall.)

(The Landlord rides on Hank's back, pointing to spots for him to clean.)

(Ben plays the harmonica while he works.)

(Ben cleans a spiderweb. A lump of dust falls on Ben's nose and he sneezes.)

(Hank sees a lawn dart fly by.)

Hank: Huh, a lawn dart! A lawn dart?!

(Tom is on Ben's back.)

Tom: Duck and cover! (ducks)

(Tom ducks, avoiding a flying lawn dart.)

Ginger: I found my dad's old lawn dart!

(Tom falls off Ben's back.)

Ginger: Come on down so we can play with them!

Hank: Cool! I'll be right down!

Ben: Sorry, Ginger, we can't play lawn darts until we finish all our cleaning assignments.

Ginger: What-?

(Hank sadly continues scrubbing with a sponge.)

Ginger: But- but- but- but-

Tom: Nope. (continues scrubbing)

(Ginger walks away sadly.)

(Scene cuts to the garage. The Landlord has set up a metal fence around the kitchen, making it his own cage.)

(Ben enters, exhausted.)

Landlord: What took so long?

Ben: We need a break!

Landlord: Aw, yeah? You know what I need? I need workers who don't complain about a little hard work.

(Tom and Hank enter exhausted.)

Ben: (gasps) What have you done with my computer?!

(Ben finds that the computer is missing from his desk.)

Landlord: Ah, I removed all this, say, useless clutter.

Ben: (shakes head) Useless clutter?! (climbs on fence) I see it! It's in there! Give me back my computer now!! (struggles with fence)

Landlord: You will get one hour of computer time. Maybe. (laughs)