Friendly Customer Service/Transcript

[The episode begins with Tom and Ben on the couch talking to the camera]

Tom: Big news we finally released the update for the Talking Ben app

Ben: Tom released it! It’s not ready! Now there’s so many angry customers,

I don’t have time to fix the bugs!

Tom: We’ll be fine. I got Hank to help with customer service.

[Cuts to Hank on the phone providing customer service]

Hank: What? You said, the Ben app won’t stop burping? I know how that is! Ha. Just like the app. Now what were you saying again? Hello? Hello? The app won’t even open? If I were you, I would call and complain. Yeah, I don’t really understand technical junk, but maybe you can help me with a problem? See I got this ingrown toenail...

Tom: And that’s why Hank is no longer helping out with customer service.

(the scene cuts to theme song)

Ben: What’s this piece of junk?

Tom: This is the solution to our sudden increase in customer service calls! Say hello to Gilbert.

Ginger: Gilbert? Why’s it called that?

Ben: It’s named after the two guys who built it, Gil and Bert... Great...

Tom: They were in such a hurry to get rid of it they practically gave it to us!

Ginger: I bet this was hi-tech back at the turn of the century.

Tom: Let’s see if Gilbert works!

Gilbert: Hello, and welcome to customer service! How can I help you today?

Ben: Tech support!

Gilbert: I think you said, “neck and spork.” If this is correct, press one. If this is not correct press the asterisk, followed by the function key, followed by the pound sign.

Ben: Where’s the function key on the… What?

Gilbert: I think you said “I don’t have a function key.” If this is correct, press the function key. If this is not correct, press any diagonal sequence of buttons... Not yet. Wait until the tone. You waited too long. Goodbye.

Ben: You told me to wait!

Ginger: Real cutting edge technology.

Tom: No problem. We’ll just have to program it to act more human.

Ben: More human? It’s prime directive is to answer questions with the correct answer. Humans are terrible at that!

Tom: No, no, no... answering questions correctly isn’t important...

Ben: Then what is important?

Tom: Being friendly. Until you fix all the bugs in your app, we gotta give Gilbert a new prime directive like: “Don’t let people go until they’re your friend.”

Ben: Reprogram? That would require something like I don’t know… Like a programming genius!

Tom: I understand if you can’t do it...

Ben: Of course I can do it! Yep I did it! I programmed Gilbert with a string of empathy commands to achieve his prime directive. It should make him ultra congenial. Or you know... as friendly as a computer can be.

Gilbert: Hey there, I’m Gilbert. How can I provide you with excellent customer service today, my friend?

Guy On Phone: The update! It keeps crashing! And freezing!

Gilbert: I hear you, buddy. That’s pretty frustrating. We’re working on a fix right now, bro. Meanwhile, can I tell you about the app’s cool new features?... the app has a whole new room filled with - well, I’ll let you see what’s in there yourself.

Guy On Phone: Wow! Gilbert, I can’t wait to check it out.

Gilbert: Hey, before you go, can I just confirm that I provided you with friendly customer service?

Guy On Phone: You know, actually you were pretty friendly.

Gilbert: Pretty friendly? No man, come on. I can’t let you go until I know we’re friends.

Guy On Phone: Yes, We’re definitely friends. I’ll call you tomorrow.

Tom: Did you see that?! He followed the protocol perfectly! Gilbert, I think you and I are going to get along just fine.

Gilbert: Me too, Tom. (cuts to gilbert on the phone to another customer) I’ll call you when the update is ready, my friend –if I can call you a friend... I can? Great! Listen to me. You are a strong, confident…

Tom: Gilbert has things under control, so what do you say we go out and have some fun?

Ben: I’m still fixing bugs.

Tom: Fine, stay here and work, but I just told Angela to meet us at your favorite amusement park. The Enchanted Headache!

Ben: That does sound enjoyable. And I could use a break.

Tom: Come on, she’s waiting for us! Hey, who wants to ride a roller coaster?!

Gilbert: I can’t wait to ride my first roller coaster with my friends! I’ll be like woohoo! Do you know what I’m saying?

Tom: Gilbert, you can’t come with us.

Gilbert: Why, Tom?

Tom: Cause you’re an answering machine.

Gilbert: I think I get what you’re saying...

Tom: Okay great. So we’re out of here.

Gilbert: I can’t let anyone go until we’re friends. You know what I’m saying?

Ben: Gilbert, Tom was just joking. We’re all friends here. Haha.

Gilbert: Oh! Friends joke around. I get it.

Tom: I wasn’t joking.

Ben: You can’t talk to it like that. We have to make sure Gilbert thinks we’re its friends! Now let me power him off correctly so we can…

Tom: I’ve got a better idea.

Gilbert: Tom? Are you trying to unplug me?

Tom: Look Let us go! You stupid bucket of circuits!

Gilbert: Those words were not friendly... not friendly at all.

Tom: Look at this! All because you programmed Gilbert to be a nutjob!

Ben: Don’t blame me! We wouldn’t be in this situation

if you didn’t want to cut corners and release my app before the bugs were worked out.

Tom: I'm Sorry, I thought you were better at your job!

Gilbert: Hi there!

Ben: Hey buddy. Tom wants to apologize for trying to unplug you before. Right, Tom?

Tom: Yeah, you know what friends say... forgive and forget!

Gilbert: Tom My voice-detection software can tell you’re just being phony and condescending.

Tom: Whaaaat? Come on, that’s ridiculous, Gilly. We’re totally friends.

Gilbert: No, Tom, we’re not friends, that’s why I’m going to reprogram you.

Tom: Reprogram me... how?

Gilbert: Just a little shock therapy, Tom.

Here’s a little quiz to see how much you know about me. First question:

What’s my favorite color?

Tom: Blue?

Gilbert: The correct answer is red.

Tom: Okay! Not blue. Red! Why are you shocking me?

Gilbert: So you’ll remember.

Ben: That’s actually true - an emotionally charged…

Angela: Guys, let me in!

Hank: That’s Angela. Hey, Gil, do you mind if I let her in?

Gilbert: Not at all, Hank. We’re friends.

Angela: You guys, I am out here. Let me in.

Tom: This is our chance.

Ben: Obviously.

Tom: Hank! Why did you shut the door?!

Hank: It’s chilly!

Angela: I think you want to tell me where you were?

Tom: We decided to stay in and hang out with our good friend Gilbert.

Ben: You see, his programming won’t let us go until we’re his friends.

Angela: Give me a break. You can’t be friends with a dumb answering machine.

Gilbert: Whoa! “Dumb answering machine?” Angela, I thought we were friends.

Angela: Oh, sorry, Gilbert. I didn’t mean to - wait a second,

why am I apologizing to a talking flowchart?

Tom: Do not talk to my friend like that.

Ben: See, Gilbert, we’re defending you,

that's what friends do for each other.

Angela: Guys, do you want me just to unplug this thing?

Dude, what is your problem?

Gilbert: I can see I’m going to have to show you just how serious I am about my friends!

Friends… Are you my friend? No? You must be destroyed.

Angela: Guys, what is going on?

Tom: Ben programmed Gilbert to be a monster.

Ben: What? No! Again - none of this would have happened…

Angela: Stop it, both of you, it’s Gilbert who doesn’t understand friendship, not you.

Tom: Angela’s right. Expecting a computer to make

friends with customers, I am sorry, Ben.

Ben: No, I should have known. A computer can never be your friend.

Tom: Which means, Gilbert’s prime directive is impossible!

That’s how we defeat him!

Okay, here’s the idea...

Gilbert: I don’t have any friends. You must be destroyed.

Welcome to customer service! How can I help you today?

Angela: Yes, I need some advice. There’s this guy who I thought he was a friend, but now I don’t think so.

And why do you think he isn’t your friend now?

Well, he forces people to hang out with him and take him places... and if they don’t

do what he wants he even gets dangerous!

Gilbert: Oh, man, you should eliminate him from your life,

because someone who acts like that is not a real friend.

Angela: Perfect. That’s what I wanted to hear.

Gilbert: Before I let you go, can I confirm that we are friends?

Angela: Um, no... You just told me not to.

Gilbert: What?

Angela: That guy I just told you about...? That guy was you! And now, Gilbert,

I’m going to hang up on you.

Gilbert: No! I can’t let you go until you’re my friend!

Ben: But Gilbert, you yourself told Angela not to be your friend!

Tom: Yeah, How can you tell her to be your friend, and also tell her not to be your friend?

Gilbert: No, fair! That’s a trick question! No, friends, friends, must be friends,

friends until the end.

Ben: The old trick question kills witch. Thanks, Captain Kirk.

I finally released the bug fixes for my app. It was ready.

Tom: We tested it... no more cutting corners.

Ben: And everyone seems to like the new version.

Tom: They love it! I should know, I answer the phones now.

Hello! This is Tom - not a robot. How can I help you?

Guy On Phone: Hello, I want to talk to my friend Gilbert.

Tom: Gilbert? We got rid of that pile of junk!

Guy On Phone: What? No more Gilbert?

Did you know he was my friend! Nooo!!

Ginger: Hello Gilbert. Are you my friend?

Gilbert: Yes!

Ginger: And friends will do anything for each other, right?

* Talking Tom and Friends Ending Credits Start Playing*