Heatwave/Transcript

(Scene shows the garage during midday. Inside the garage, several electric fans have been set up. Ben sits at his desk and Angela stands at the microphone stand.)

Angela: (fans herself) Whew, it is hot. Thanks for helping me record this song, Ben. Whew!

Ben: (types) Sure, let's do it quickly. If it gets any hotter in here, it'll fry my-

(The computer fizzes.)

Ben: ...computer processor! (screams)

Angela: Oh, why do hot things happen to good people?!

(Tom sits at the couch.)

Tom: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we can handle a little heatwave. Imagine we're on vacation, relaxing in a sauna.

(Tom picks up a mug of water and pours the water on the floor. The water fries and evaporates, and the vapor is seen.)

Hank: Ooh, a sauna. Don't mind if I do! (sits down) Ah!

(Theme song plays)

(Tom and Hank are seen snoring on the couch. Angela notices something in the distance.)

Angela: Hm? Hm.

(Angela walks over to the item. It is a thermostat mounted on the wall.)

Angela: Uh, guys, why don't we just turn on the air conditioner?

Hank: (gasps) No! The landlord said we're not allowed to touch his new thermostat! And he said it with a finger-waggle!

Angela: I'll just turn it down a little. The landlord won't even know. (presses thermostat button)

(As soon as Angela presses the button, an alarm blares and a beacon above flashes. Angela moves her hand away just as bars emerge over the thermostat.)

(The Landlord walks in.)

Landlord: Someone touched thermostat? I'll find out who.

Hank: Have mercy, m'lord. (prostrates) The maiden didn't know it it forbidden to touch the royal thermostat.)

Landlord: I knew in my brainpower you were not to be trusted, so I bought the high-security thermostat! Yes, it requires a code- a secret code! And that code can only be entered in the computer cloud- a secret computer cloud! Do you all understand?

Hank: No problem, m'lord.

Angela: Yes, sir, Your Majesty, sir. You got it.

Ben: Okay, fine.

Landlord: Eh, okay... I go to mountains, eh, for day, to, uh, how you say, chill. Stay cool everybody, but thermostat, you no touch! (leaves)

Ben: Stay cool? Stay cool?! I don't even remember what "cool" feels like. (grunts) I can't think, it's too hot! (knocks over fan)

(Scene cuts to the kitchen. Angela fans herself with the refrigerator door.)

Angela: (groans) How's it going, Ben? Any luck?

(Ben attempts to fix his computer with a screwdriver. The computer sparks, causing Ben to scream in shock.)

Ben: Does bad luck count?

Angela: No.

(Ginger enters.)

Ginger: Hey, guys, I was going to take a dip in my swimming pool, and I wanted to stop by and say you can't come, because my parents said no one can visit until it's five.

Tom: Why are you telling us this?

Ginger: I figured you'd want to know that I'm comfortable. Bye! (leaves)

(Tom growls and kicks the air conditioner in frustration. He hurts his foot.)

Tom: (hops on one foot) Ow!

Angela: I wish I lived with Ginger.

Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, maybe we don't have a pool like Ginger, but we can find ways to cool down.

Angela: How?!

Tom: Uh, we could go outside... yeah! Uh, a nice breeze is like free air conditioning. Come on!

(Scene cuts to the driveway. Tom and Angela block the sun with their hands.)

Tom: See? Isn't it nice out here?

(A paper airplane flies by and lands on the ground. The paper burns up.)

Tom: Wha-?!

Angela: Um... I think I'm just gonna go home.

Tom: Oh, no, don't leave! I'll miss you- I mean, uh, well, maybe Hank has- has found a way to keep cool!

(Scene cuts back indoors. Tom and Angela enter to find Hank staring at a watermelon.)

Tom: Hank? How are you holding up?

Hank: (to watermelon) Alright, then tell me this: if you saw every episode of Ron Spyman: Undercover Agent, then why did the agency try to make him cut his ponytail? I mean, don't they know he doesn't play by their rules?!

(The camera shows Hank's perspective. Hank hallucinates the watermelon speaking to him.)

Watermelon: Hm, true, Hank. But, in the season finale, he did visit an enemy barbershop, right?

Hank: But he only got his mustache trimmed!

Watermelon: What did he charge, Hank? What did the barber charge?

Hank: I, I- I can't remember.

Tom: Oh, good, I was worried the heat was getting to him.

(Scene cuts to the living room. Tom sets up a camera and speaks to the audience.)

Tom: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Ben's computer is fried, Hank has gone crazy, and, worst of all, Angela is considering going home. Uh- I know the Landlord told us not to touch the thermostat, but-

(The camera sinks to the floor.)

Tom: ...th-th-the tripod is melting! Okay, that's it. Somebody has got to stand up to the Landlord.

(Scene cuts to the desk. Hank continues his conversation with the watermelon.)

Watermelon: You know the answer. You saw the episode, Hank.

Hank: Okay, okay, give me a hint. Did the enemy barber charge Spyman more or less than the lady at the Secret Agent Spa?

Watermelon: More, Hank.

Hank: Okay, okay, she charged him eight bucks for a buzzcut, twelve if she used scissors...

Tom: Comrades! We have suffered enough under the Landlord's sweltering tyranny! We must join together and claim our rights to basic coolness!

Angela: Yes! Tom, I am with you! Let's claim our coolness rights!

Ben: But the code to the thermostat is in the cloud, remember?

Angela: Oh, right! The secret cloud.

Tom: Well, I guess Ben is just not good enough, uh, with computers to get in there.

(Meanwhile, Hank crawls up a shelf and takes a headset off the shelf. He puts it on and walks around.)

Ben: Not good enough with computers?! Hold on, hold on! I'll find a way to hack into the cloud somehow...

Hank: Behold! There is something on my head, but it is not a hat.

(Ben realizes that Hank's headset is a virtual reality headset.)

Ben: (takes headset) That's it! With my virtual reality device, I can enter the cloud and reprogram the thermostat from inside!

Tom: We're all with you, Ben.

(Ben puts the headset on and turns it on.)

(Ben finds himself in the computer cloud dimension. In the cloud is a pyramid with a rainbow-colored thermometer at the top.)

Ben: Wow! Finally, a world that makes sense! Now, where is that thermostat?

(The scene shows the thermostat at the top.)

(Ben runs to the pyramid. The pyramid is defended by meteorite-like glowing objects that fall into the ground near Ben.)

(Ben spawns a shield and uses it to block and dodge some meteorites.)

(In the real world, Ben appears to be simply walking forward in an anti-climactic manner.)

Angela: What's Ben doing?

Tom: I don't know.

(Back in the computer cloud, Ben reaches the pyramid and climbs the stairs, which happens to be the garage's stairs in real life. He reaches the top of the first staircase and approaches the second staircase.)

Ben: (pants) I'm at the top of the stairs! I see it! I see the thermosta-

(Ben continues on, only to crash into an unseen barrier. In real life, he had just walked into a wall where the staircase made a turn.)

Tom: Oh, no.

Ben: (gets up and pants) You got this, Ben. You got this!

(Tom and Angela cheer as Ben reaches the top of the pyramid. In real life, he is on the balcony.)

(At the top of the pyramid is a holographic screen. Scattered across the screen are numbers that are to be dragged into place to form a code.)

Ben: What?! Even a virtual thermostat needs a code?!

Tom and Angela: Aw!

Ben: (starts dragging numbers) Hmm... how about his address?

(The code is not accepted.)

Ben: No? What about his birthday, which is, um...

(The code is not accepted.)

Ben: No? His mother's maiden name?

(The code is not accepted.)

Ben: Gah! That's everything I know about him! What's the password?!

(Hank touches Ben's shoulder. Ben turns around.)

Hank: 1495!

Ben: What?

Hank: That's what Secret Agent Ron Spyman paid the enemy barber! $14.95! 1-4-9-5!

Tom: Hank, buddy, maybe you should go lie down, okay?

Hank: No, thanks, I'm going to go lie down.

Ben: Well, it's worth a try. (drags numbers) 1-4-9-5.

(The code is accepted.)

Ben: It worked!

(The thermostat releases a beam of light into the sky.)

(Back in the real world, the air conditioner turns on.)

Tom: Yes! Oh, oh, thank goodness!

Angela: Woo-hoo, coolness! Yes!

(Tom and Angela run to the air conditioner.)

Angela: Oh, so nice. I could stand here for the rest of my life. Ah.

Tom: Ben, you did it! You defeated the landlord and won us our rights to basic coolness!

Angela: Ben, you're our hero.

Ben: Oh, please. "Hero" is such a strong word... and appropriate. (chuckles)

Hank: Oh, is that... conditioned air?!

Angela: Yes! Feel it, breathe it!

Tom: Hank, you won't believe this, but Ben turned on the AC using the code that you gave him!

Hank: What code?

Tom: What co-?! 1-4-9-5! Somehow, you knew the secret code!

Hank: I did?

Ben: Yes! How did you know the code, anyway?

Hank: Oh, yeah, I remember! The watermelon gave me a clue, and I figured it out. I wonder how the watermelon knew I knew. That's weird.

Angela: Heh, who cares?! It's not hot anymore! Let's hear it for Ben!

(Hank, Angela and Tom cheer for Ben.)

(Scene cuts to the office. Tom and Angela put away the fans, placing them all into one pile.)

Tom: Uh, hey, Ben, uh, it's starting to get a little too cool in here.

Ben: To you, maybe, but it's the optimal temperature for my electronics.

Hank: Hm, can you make it just a little warmer?

Ben: No! I saved us from the heat, so now, I am in charge of the thermostat! Do you all understand?

Tom: Okay? It was just a suggestion.

Ben: If it wasn't for me, we'd still be too hot. Don't you forget it!

Hank: Thank you, O Brave One.

(Scene cuts to the office. It has gotten so cold that icicles formed on the undersides of surfaces. Tom sits at the desk while Angela is at the microphone stand. Both are shivering. Ben sits at the computer. He is wearing an Aztec-styled crown.)

Tom: (shivers) Ben, you have to stop this, alright? You c-c-c-c-cranked the temperature too l-l-l-low.

Angela: (shivers) Yeah, it's c-c-c-c-c-freezing in here!

Ben: One more comment and you will be banished to the heat!

Tom: You can't talk to her like that! That's it. I... I'm going to make it w-w-warmer in here.

(Tom tries to go to the thermostat to increase the temperature. Ben enters a command into his computer.)

(An ice block forms around Tom, freezing him in place.)

Ben: Ha ha! That’s what you’ll get when you oppose the ruler of the thermostat! Okay, Angela, now let's record that song. Angela? Go ahead. Angela?

(Ben realizes in horror that Angela was also frozen.)

(Ginger enters.)

Ginger: Hey, guys! My lifeguard said it's okay for you to swim in my pool now. (shivers) Why is everyone frozen?

Ben: Because they are touching thermostat when I am specifically telling them no touching of thermostat!

Ginger: Oh, I get it. You're acting like the Landlord.

Ben: No, I'm not! The Landlord took away everyone's right to basic coolness.

Ginger: And you took away everyone's right to basic warmness! I love it!

Ben: Oh, no! What have I become?

Ginger: A tyrant!

Ben: I don't want to be a tyrant!

Ginger: Aw, why not?

(Ben puts on his headset, entering the computer cloud.)

Ben: Because I want to be a friend.

(Ben presses a button. A light beam is emitted.)

(Scene cuts back to the real world. The friends are unfrozen.)

Ben: I'm sorry, guys. I thought I could handle the power of the thermostat, but I could not! I became a thermo-mo-monster.

Tom: It's all good, Ben. It wasn't you.

Ben: It wasn't?

Tom: No, it was the thermostat. When it all comes down to it, the real villain is...

(Hank notices that the Landlord entered.)

Hank: (screams) The Landlord!

(Tom gasps.)

Hank: Welcome back, Your Lordship-ness.

Landlord: Ha-ha, just be cool guy. No one touched thermostat, right? (laughs) Did you?!

Tom: Who, us? No... I mean, what? Do you think we hacked into the cloud and reprogrammed the thermostat?

(The friends laugh nervously.)

Tom: That's... that's...

Landlord: Wait, wait, did you do that or not? I do not know.

(Ginger exits the bathroom.)

Tom: What's that, Ginger? You want us to go swimming in your pool? Right now? Alright!

Ginger: I didn't say that.

Angela: Pool party at Ginger's house!

Ginger: I never said that I said that.

(The friends start leaving.)

Hank: Pool party, yeah!

Ginger: No one gets to touch the pool noodles except me!

Hank: 'Tis had been a pleasure, m'lord. (leaves)

Landlord: Of course they no mess with the thermostat. How could they guess? I mean, it's not like watermelon saw me type in and told everyone! (laughs) Good one, Landlord! (leaves)

Watermelon: You mean 1-4-9-5. (laughs evilly)

(Credits roll)