The Audition/Transcript

This is the transcript for The Audition.
 * Tom: [to the viewers] Are you ready? I hope you're ready, because I am definitely ready. What am I ready for? I'll tell you what I'm ready for. I'm ready for you TV producers to give me my own show! [the camera falls a little] Ah, Ginger! Pay attention! 
 * Ginger: [holding the camera] Sorry, Tom, not sorry.
 * Tom: Okay, here it is. The Talking Tom Reality TV show audition video.
 * Tom: [to the viewers] Now, I'm gonna come here and be like, "Oh, producers, please, please, please give me a reality show." No, because when you see my cool life, you're gonna be like, oh Tom, please, please, let us give you a reality show.
 * Tom: Hey, I'm probably just being paranoid, but I just wanted you to know that I was just kidding when I was pretending you were going to be begging me for a reality show. Okay? Okay.
 * CUT! Thanks Ginger.

01:05

Tom! Hey Angela!

01:08

I got here as quickly as I could. Your message said it was urgent.

01:11

Is everything OK?

01:13

Yes, I am finally filming my Reality Show Audition Tape.

01:16

Oh, not really interested…

01:18

Uhu. Now Angela, I need you to check the acoustics for our new

01:21

reality TV confession booth.

01:24

Tom it’s a bathroom.

01:26

Well, yeah! People sound great in the bathroom.

01:28

That’s why they sing in the shower.

01:29

There is no shower in here! There’s just a toilet.

01:32

Shower, toilet, use your imagination.

01:35

What? Use my imagination? Are you kidding me right now?

01:39

That’s our Angela. She’s not only my good friend, but she is also…

01:43

kind of a pop star. You might even know some of her songs.

01:49

Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh baby, baby...

01:54

“Yeah, yeah, baby, baby?”

01:56

Why don’t you sing one of your songs?

02:00

I love Tom. But my manager thought

02:02

it might hurt my career to sing one of my real songs

02:04

on his crazy audition tape.

02:07

As you can see, this is no

02:09

ordinary neighborhood garage; It’s what we call “The studio”!

02:13

And it’s where I produce games and songs and apps with my

02:16

best friend and business partner, Ben. Hey Ben!

02:21

Tom! Please tell me that camera isn’t recording.

02:25

Are you kidding me? That was reality TV gold!

02:36

Ben here is the owner of all this high tech expensive equipment.

02:39

Correct, Tom. So don’t you dare touch it.

02:42

Ben’s mom won’t let him keep the stuff at his house because a few

02:45

too many -- shall we say --ahem -- “power surges” caused a few too many -- shall

02:50

we say -- “the house fires.”

02:55

Not really my fault. Our electricity grid badly needs an upgrade.

02:59

So Ben, can you tell us what kind of mind-blowing,

03:02

life-changing, high-tech invention you’re working on?

03:06

I can, but I don’t see the reason why I would.

03:09

Oh, come on Ben, tell us what it does.

03:11

Well, if you must know, this is a squirting flower joke app.

03:16

Uuh! What’s that button?

03:18

No no no no! Don’t push it!

03:20

It doesn’t even work.

03:21

Well it should.

03:27

Haha now, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen you do.

03:31

What do you mean, I’m often very funny.

03:34

Ahhh... not really. I Am so?

03:37

No. Ah...Nope.

03:40

You, reality show producers,

03:42

You should know the following: Yes, I’m a tech genius, but I also

03:46

possess a well-rounded personality. For example, I can be whimsical.

03:52

I’m often spontaneous.

03:56

I’m organized…

03:57

In a fun way.

04:00

And most of all, I’m humorous.

04:03

You’re humorous?

04:05

What? You don’t think I’m funny?

04:06

You know what? Forget I said anything. Oh, nononono, you’re not leaving

04:10

until I have shown everyone that I am more than just the brains of

04:14

this operation. Please don’t.

04:17

Hello viewer, prepare to laugh at the following standup comedy

04:21

humour presentation.

04:23

Joke number one:

04:25

So yesterday I flew in from the west coast, and boy are my arms tired?

04:37

So you see, Tom, the word “flew” has two different meanings...

04:41

Ben! If a joke is funny you don’t need to explain why it’s funny!

04:46

Stop it, Tom, you’re embarrassing yourself. I have studied a lot more

04:51

comedy than you have...Good day!

04:53

Oh of course, the best comedy comes from a spread sheet!

04:56

What are those two bickering about?

04:58

Do they think that’s gonna impress the Producers?

05:01

And why am I talking to you instead of talking directly to them?

05:07

Huh ? ... Take over.

05:12

Ehm…Hi. I’m Tom’s roommate Hank.

05:16

Ehm.. I’ve seen every sitcom made from 1986 to 1994...

05:23

And… in France I’m called Honk.

05:31

Ginger? Oh Ginger?

05:35

Ginger it’s your turn to talk!

05:37

In a minute, I’m almost done...

05:39

Hey, that’s my phone!

05:40

I told you if you don’t behave, I’m gonna send you home...

05:43

I’m sorry, Hank. Give me another chance, I’ll be good.

05:50

Well...Okay.

05:52

Hi, everybody. My name is Ginger, and I’m seven years old.

05:56

And when I grow up I wanna be just like my role model: Hank.

06:01

Aww, I’m the only one who disciplines the kid...

06:04

That’s why he looks up to me -- Hey! Give me that!

06:07

Ginger, Ginger, get back here with my phone!

06:08

Have a seat on the couch and tell the producers about yourself.

06:12

Tom, you start. I’m what people call a visionary...

06:16

Some days I wake up and think, “Let’s see, today I’m gonna

06:20

design a hot air balloon that can land on a passing asteroid.”

06:23

Except a hot air balloon can’t fly in space…

06:26

That’s a minor detail. Comments like that prove that

06:28

you’re just not a visionary. And you’re not a scientist.

06:31

You two are a great team. Tell us about some of the apps you’ve created.

06:36

Oh! Tell her about the “Ray Ray”.

06:38

Oh why did you bring that up? The “Ray Ray” was an app

06:42

that used bursts of microwaves to locate people nearby named Ray.

06:46

Wow! Nobody needs that. Well, maybe we should talk about

06:50

“Cook My Salmon” –- the app that makes your phone so hot

06:53

it can cook salmon. Which totally worked,

06:56

it just drained your battery. Ben it set your pants on fire…

06:59

Really guys? So, tell us how you first met.

07:03

Well, it was like a million years ago...

07:08

No it was eight point three years ago.

07:15

Cool!

07:17

Eight point three?

07:18

You are talking nonsense.

07:20

Nonsense? You’re the king of nonsense.

07:25

I am literally a hologram of positivity.

07:30

No, the vibe I’m going for here is... “everyone’s got their own whatchamacallit.”

07:35

So Tom, is there anything about Ben

07:37

that gets on your nerves? Hmmm...

07:40

Don’t touch that. Don’t touch my computer screen.

07:45

Now you’re touching me!

07:49

Now, who wouldn’t wanna watch that on TV?

07:53

That’s it, I am never going

07:55

to work with you again!

08:01

Hey Tom. How’s it going?

08:03

Not so good. I don’t think my video is good enough

08:05

to convince the TV producers to give me a reality show.

08:08

Then just turn it into a very special Christmas audition video.

08:12

Would that work? Do you know that show

08:14

“The Hermit Housewives of the Aran Islands”? Sure, everyone does.

08:18

They were almost cancelled. And then they turned every episode

08:22

into a very special Christmas special. Would that work for us?

08:27

Don’t ask me. Ask this guy!

08:38

Somebody called Santa?

08:40

HOHOHO! Where did he come from?

08:44

Okay Ginger. Cue ‘The snow’! And… Action!

08:49

This season children all over the world are going to be asking me for

08:52

the same thing. Santa, they’re saying, all I want is to see a reality show

08:57

starring Talking Tom and his friends. Hey, what is this?

09:01

It’s a public service announcement... for children who want me to

09:04

get my own reality show. Kids watch enough TV!

09:07

No, my show will be good! It will be like a Christmas miracle.

09:11

But I’m not sure the TV producers will like it.

09:14

What do you need a TV producer for? To make all my dreams come true?

09:18

HO HO HO! Good one, Tom! You don’t need some out-dated

09:23

washed-up TV producer to make your own reality TV show.

09:26

I don’t?

09:28

No, all you need is a video camera, a computer and a bunch of crazy goof-ball friends…

09:37

Which you definitely have… I do?

09:40

HoHoHo, Yes, you do! So just make the show yourself.

09:45

I can do that. Thanks, Santa! This may be the best Christmas ever.

10:01

Angela! come sing with us!

10:07

Anybody has seen Angela?

10:09

Until that awful singing stops, I’m staying right in here with you,

10:12

“Confession Camera.” You’re welcome.

10:15

Santa, Santa!

10:17

Santa wait! You forgot my Christmas list.

10:21

Hoho! Email me!
 * Okay.
 * As the pilot ends.
 * As the pilot ends.