Online Romance/Transcript

(Scene shows Ginger circling a date on a calendar at the garage. The date has been replaced by a picture of a cup.)

Ginger: (gasps) It's here!

(Ginger opens a small box and takes out a curly straw.)

Ginger: Woah, Free Milkshake Day!

(Ginger swings on a rope to the friends.)

Ginger: It's Free Milkshake Day! (lands on couch) Everyone's going, right?

Tom: Yeah!

Ben: Put me down for one medium vanilla!

Ginger: I'm getting chocolate! No wait, mint! No wait, I'm getting them all!

Hank: Ginger, Free Milkshake Day isn't just about gorging yourself on free milkshakes. It's about friends celebrating the magical day each year when the diner cleans their freezers and gives away the ice creams they were going to dump in the garbage.

Ginger: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, let's just go!

Angela: Ginger, Free Milkshake Day doesn't start for about...

Ben: ...4 hours, 10 minutes and 2 seconds.

Ginger: What!? Noooo! That's forever!

(The friends take out their curly straws.)

Tom: Well, until then, let's take out our curly straws, and raise them in celebration! All for milkshakes...

All: And milkshakes for all!

(Hank sniffs his straw and is disgusted.)

Hank: Ugh! My straw stinks!

Ben: Didn't you clean it last year?

Hank: Wait, you can clean a curly straw?

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to Hank washing his curly straw in the kitchen sink. The Landlord enters.)

Landlord: Hello! I noticed that the door was, eh, owned by me, so I opened it and came in.

(Hank plays a tune on his curly straw.)

Hank: (clears throat) Presenting... the Landlord!

(The Landlord takes a selfie in front of the kitchen sink holding a wrench.)

Landlord: (uses phone) And then I just crop out your filthy wall, add a dramatic filter, and now a caption: (types in caption) "#fixed it, #handyman saves the day, #Muscle Monday." (chuckles)

Tom: You just posed in front of the sink holding a wrench. You didn't even fix anything.

Landlord: I know, right? But my thousands of FastaPic friends will think I did. (posts selfie)

(The phone creates many dings to signify people liking the post.)

Landlord: Ah, ha, ding-ding-ding-ding. I love that sound! It's like a tiny little high-five, only in a heart-shape with a "ding" sound.

(Scene cuts to Hank using the tablet on the couch.)

Hank: Ooh, I found the Landlord's FastaPic page! Oh, oh, oh, oh, he only has 750 friends? (scoffs) Loser.

Tom: Hank, it says 750K.

Hank: "K?"

Tom: "K" means a thousand.

Hank: Oh, 1,750 friends? Getting better.

Tom: No, "750K" is 750 thousand friends.

Hank: Oh, okay, now that makes more sense! Check this out. Not only is he a handyman, a yoga expert, and a very snappy dresser, he also plays the banjo! He may be the coolest person I've ever met.

Tom: Cool? You think he's cool? (laughs) You want to see cool? Watch this!

(Tom juggles fruit. Hank is uninterested.)

Hank: Yeah, very interesting, Tom. (yawns)

Tom: Hank, admit it. I'm cooler than the big-shot Landlord, right?

Hank: Tom, you better keep it down. Do you want to end up like this piece of wood?

(Hank shows a video of the Landlord karate-chopping a plank of wood.)

(Tom stops juggling and the fruits hit him in the head.)

(Tom speaks to the audience in the bathroom.)

Tom: You know why I don't have as many FastaPic friends as the Landlord? Because I don't have a FastaPic account. But that's about to change! Cheese! (takes selfie)

(A montage is shown of Tom taking misleading selfies for FastaPic.)

(Tom takes a selfie in front of a motorcycle, only to be kicked away by the motorcycle's real owner.)

(Tom takes a selfie in front of a backdrop of mountains, posting it as real. He receives hearts on FastaPic.)

(Tom takes a selfie taking a handstand on a bicycle. In reality, he was staging the stunt on the floor.)

(More misleading photos are shown.)

(End of montage. Scene cuts to Rhonda serving free milkshakes to the friends.)

Rhonda: (blows noisemaker and reads card) "Happy Free Milkshake Day. Limit: one per customer. Some flavors may be spoiled. Not responsible for explosive diarrhea, parasites, or brain freeze." (sarcastically) Yum! (leaves)

Ginger: Ooh! (starts sipping)

Hank: Not yet! Free Milkshake Day does not start until Tom gives his traditional opening speech!

Ginger: One little sip...

(Hank stops Ginger.)

Hank: No.

Ginger: What if Tom never shows up?

Hank: Tom has never missed a Free Milkshake Day in his entire life.

Angela: Then where is he?

(Ben's phone beeps, presumably due to a notification from FastaPic.)

Ben: (reads Tom's post) It seems he's on a snorkelling trip?

Angela: Oh, no, I didn't know Tom was on FastaPic! This is bad. FastaPic is dangerous.

Hank: Like the treacherous sea!

Ben: Hank, Tom is not at the sea! He's at home taking fake pictures!

Hank: Wow, he already has 900K friends! Uh, what comes after 900K?

Angela: A million.

Ben: Correct, although a simpler way to express one million is one times ten to the power of six-

Angela: Ben, stop! Don't you guys get it? If Tom gets a million FastaPic friends, we may never see him again!

Ginger: I heard from a kid at school that it takes over your brain and sucks it into the app.

Ben: That is just a playground rumor!

Angela: Oh, no, it is way more than a rumor. I got to go. (leaves)

Ben: Hey, where are you going?

(Ginger has connected multiple straws to form one long straw, planning to use it to drink the milkshake.)

Ginger: Oh, so close, so close...

Hank: (takes away straw) Ginger!

(Ginger whines.)

(Scene cuts back to garage. Angela goes home worried.)

Angela: Tom?! Tom, where are you?!

(Tom is wearing caveman attire in front of a backdrop of a canyon.)

Tom: Over here in the Paleolithic era! (picks up club)

Angela: Listen to me, Tom. You have to delete the FastaPic app now!

Tom: (ignores Angela) Where are my floating hearts? Come on, where are my floating hearts? Refresh, refresh, refresh! (sighs) There they are. Ah, sweet sound.

Angela: Tom, you're letting FastaPic take over your life!

Tom: Oh, Angela, I have a great idea for a shot! Do you have a kimono and a flamethrower?

Angela: Well, yeah, it depends what color. Wait, no, no, never mind! Listen, FastaPic friends aren't real. Your real friends are waiting for you at the diner!

Tom: You know who else is waiting for me? Cheese! (takes selfie) My one-millionth FastaPic friend!

Angela: Tom, don't post that selfie!

Tom: #Doing it!

Angela: Nooo!

(Tom posts the picture and suddenly collapses on the floor.)

(Tom wakes up in an infinite sky filled with floating photos.)

Voice: Welcome to FastaPic, Tom.

Tom: What? What is this place?

Voice: It's anything you want it to be.

(A guitar appears on Tom's body. Tom starts strumming it.)

Tom: (laughs) Wow!

(Floating hearts appear.)

Tom: Oh, so many floating hearts! (hugs a heart) It's beautiful! #Amazing.

(Scene cuts back to garage.)

Angela: Ugh, I can't reactivate my FastaPic account! But I have to! I don't know what else to do. Okay, here goes. (takes selfie) I'll be right there, Tom! #Real friends forever!

(Angela posts the selfie and enters the FastaPic world. Her physical body collapses on Tom.)

Angela: Hey, Tom!

Tom: Angela! Wait, are you real? #Confused.

Angela: Nothing here is real! That's why I'm taking you home!

Voice: Well, look who's back, Angela! Let's celebrate with this sweet memory for "Tossback Tuesday."

(A selfie of Angela angry appears.)

Angela: What? No!

Tom: But look at all the faves! Your friends love it!

Angela: Tom, you're my only friend here.

Tom: Wow, thanks, Angela. #Thanks-gela.

Angela: No, but, you-

Tom: Ooh, #hang on a second. (friends Angela) Now, we're FastaPic friends, too. #BFF.

Angela: No, Tom, we were already friends- real friends! Don't you know the difference?

Tom: Sure, I do. Oh, hey, look, there's my friend, KayakFan72.

Angela: What? You don't know anything about that guy! (sighs) We have got to get you out of here!

Tom: Why would I want to leave this place? #New home, #home's where the hearts are.

Angela: Because it's keeping you away from Ben, and Hank, and Ginger, and from me, me, me, I mean, milkshakes!

Tom: #Oh, no! I forgot about Free Milkshake Day!

Angela: If we leave now, we can still make it!

Voice: Don't leave, Tom! You can have a #milkshake right here!

(A milkshake floats towards Tom.)

Angela: Oh, great idea, right, okay, go ahead. Taste this #milkshake!

Tom: (sips milkshake) It doesn't taste like anything!

Angela: It's not a milkshake! Your real milkshake is waiting for you at the diner with your real friends!

Voice: But your FastaPic friends really like how you look drinking that milkshake, and that's what's important. Right, Tom?

Tom: Well, with a milkshake, it kinda matters how it tastes. So, you know what? I- I'm just going to go. How do we get out of here anyway?

Voice: (laughs) Get out? Didn't you read the terms and conditions?

(A large paper appears containing the terms and conditions.)

Voice: It says once you have one million FastaPic friends, you belong to FastaPic... forever!

(The sky grows dark and lightning is heard.)

Tom: Angela, what do we do?

Angela: We have to drop below a million! Well, time to lose some friends.

Tom: #How?!

Angela: We're going to have to post some bad selfies, Tom.

Tom: Right.

(Tom and Angela make funny faces for selfies.)

Tom: It's not working! We're too likeable!

Angela: Um, be disgusting! Complain a lot!

(Tom creates a selfie of himself posing in front of a dirty toilet with a plunger.)

Tom: (creates tags) #Oh, no! Clogged toilet! #Bring a plunger! #Brown water, #overflow, #gross.

Angela: Ew, #too far!

Tom: Tag Angela, and post!

Angela: Wait, what?

(Tom and Angela are immediately sucked out of the FastaPic world and back into the real world. Tom wakes up.)

Tom: Angela, it worked! You saved me!

(Angela is still unconscious.)

Tom: Angela? Angela, wake up! Oh, no!

(Tom prepares to give Angela mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but Angela suddenly wakes up and mistakenly believes that Tom is trying to kiss her.)

Angela: (nervously) Uh... (gets up) milkshakes! Come on!

(Scene cuts back to the diner. It is night, and Ben and Hank physically restrain Ginger to prevent him from sipping the milkshake before Tom arrives.)

Ginger: Let me go!

Hank: Ginger, not yet!

Ben: Just hold still!

Ginger: It wants me to drink it!

(Tom and Angela enter.)

Tom: Alright, guys, I am so sorry I am late.

Ben: Finally! Just do the opening speech so we can drink our milkshakes!

Tom: You waited!

Ben: Yes, and I regret it, because now, our milkshakes are warm, melted, and disgusting!

Hank: Sounds good! Tom, just give the opening speech.

Tom: Where do I start? There's so much I want to say!

Ginger: (cries) I can't take this!

Angela: Just say anything, and make it short!

Tom: (stands on table and gives speech) My friends, as we plunge our ceremonial bendy straws into our free milkshakes-

Rhonda: Alright, we're closing! Everyone out!

Tom: W-w-wait, can I finish my speech?

Rhonda: No! Now get going, all of yas!

(Ginger is dragged out of the diner.)

Ginger: No, but you can't- it wasn't- we only- Milkshake Day!

Ben and Hank: Aw, man, what did you do, Tom? Come on!

(Ice cream truck music is played.)

Tom: Hey, wait, is that...?

All: The ice cream truck? Yay! (cheers)

(Tom stays behind as the rest of the friends leave.)

Tom: Ah, another "Tom saves the day" moment! (makes post) #Ice cream hero! (posts)

(Tom realizes in horror that he reached one million FastaPic friends.)

Tom: (gasps) Undo, undo, undo, undo, no!

(Tom is sucked back into the FastaPic world.)

(Credits roll)