Doc Hank/Transcript

(Scene shows the garage's office. Ben types on the computer.)

Tom: Okay, I provided the flash of inspiration.

Ben: Now, I'm stuck with three hard days of programming.

Tom: (hugs Ben) Teamwork!

Ben: Don't touch me!

(Hank eats chips near Ben, making loud crunching noises.)

Ben: Okay, what are you doing?

Hank: What? The TV's broken so I came over here to watch your TV. What do you call this show, "Numbers, Numbers, Numbers?" (continues crunching chips)

Ben: (offers tablet) Alright, until I have time to fix your TV, you can watch stuff online.

Hank: (takes tablet) Ooh! Watching stuff online! That's right! That is popular! It's revolutionizing viewing habits. Thanks, Ben! (leaves)

Ben: Now, please stop bothering us!

(Tom eats chips and sits where Hank was.)

Tom: Yeah, we're trying to work! What flavor are these?

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to the kitchen. Hank is on his tablet.)

Hank: Now, which of my favorite TV shows should I search for? Ooh, how about That's Not My Lunch? (chuckles) That schoolboy always has the wrong lunch. Whoops!

(An ad appears.)

Dr. Internet Doctor: Attention! Click here! This could be the most important link you'll ever click!

Hank: Pfft, yeah right. I'm not falling for that. (closes ad)

(A second ad appears.)

Dr. Internet Doctor: Not falling for that? Excellent.

Hank: Huh?

Dr. Internet Doctor: But nothing you do will ever be more life-changing than clicking this link!

Hank: Nice try, but I don't think so. (closes ad)

(A third ad appears.)

Dr. Internet Doctor: Congratulations! By not clicking the first two ads, you've proven you're smart! Click here and your mother will always be proud of you! (mocks Hank's mother) It's true, dear! I will be so proud if you click, and so disappointed if you don't.

Hank: Mom? (opens ad)

Dr. Internet Doctor: Ooh, spooky! Oh, hello. So you want to be a doctor. And maybe even a renowned Internet doctor like myself. But, do you think you have what it takes? Pop quiz. Question #1: what organ of the body pumps blood, A: the heart, B: a shoe, or C: Count Dracula?

Hank: Ooh! I know that one. Click! (taps tablet)

Dr. Internet Doctor: You clicked A: the heart. Very good!

Hank: Mmm-hmm.

Dr. Internet Doctor: Question #2: Do you, or one of your roommates, have a major credit card?

Hank: Hmm. (takes out credit card) Ooh! Uh-huh!

Dr. Internet Doctor: Congratulations! You have been accepted to Dr. Internet Doctor's Online Medical School! And as a special promotion, your first two classes are free! Free, free, free...

Hank: (runs away in excitement) Guys, you won't believe this!

Dr. Internet Doctor: (quickly) Free classes not actually free, failure to pay will result in demand for payment, All sales final, free parking with validation, dry clean only, do not dry clean, two shows nightly, two-drink minimum, batteries not included, As seen on TV, copyright 2004, Wi-Fi not included, some assembly required, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money...

(Scene cuts to the living room. Hank wears a doctor's coat.)

Ginger: Pfft, you could never be a doctor, Hank!

Hank: Looks like this young man needs a lollipop! (offers lollipop)

Ginger: (takes lollipop) Whoa, thanks, Dr. Hank! I had a disease where I needed a lollipop, and then, you gave me a lollipop, and now, I have a lollipop and I'm cured! So thanks, bye!

Hank: See, that's what doctors do. We hand out lollipops. Now, who wants to be my first practice patient.

Tom, Angela, Ben: Uh, no. Yeah, no.

Ben: Okay, one question, doctor. If we refuse to be a practice patient, will you harangue us day and night until we agree?

Hank: Yeah, that could work!

(Scene cuts to Angela having her "appointment." Hank inspects Angela's throat.)

Angela: (opens mouth wide) Aaaaahhhh...

Hank: Angela, here's my diagnosis. Your mouth is very, very... dark!

Angela: You were able to figure that out after one day in medical school? Wow.

Hank: I know, right? Have a lollipop.

Angela: (takes lollipop) Whatever you say, Doctor.

(Scene cuts to Tom's "appointment." Hank hammers Tom's leg to test reflexes.)

Tom: Ow...

Hank: Tell me, have you had any recent aches or pains?

Tom: Well, when you called me in here for a checkup, that was kind of a pain... in the neck!

Hank: (sarcastically laughs) Very funny, Tom, but the doctor's office is no place for jokes.

Tom: Yeah, there's pretty much no doctor jokes... at all.

Hank: Yeah, have a lollipop and get out.

Tom: (takes lollipop) Whatever. (leaves)

(Scene cuts to Hank giving Ben an "appointment" at Ben's office. Hank examines Ben's left arm.)

Hank: (gasps) Well, Ben, you definitely have a wrist.

Ben: Is this gonna take long? I was kind of in the middle of... (coughs)

Hank: Uh, oh.

Ben: What?! I coughed. It's nothing... is it?

Hank: Uh, I don't know. I watch a lot of TV, and when someone coughs in the first part a show, it's never nothing. I better consult my medical school textbook. It's digital. (takes out tablet) Uh, oh... (continues scrolling) Oh, that's not good.

Ben: What?! What is it?!

Hank: Oh, oh, nothing. This thing's almost out of batteries. Hm, let me ask you this: do you ever feel... tired?

Ben: (starts getting sleepy) Ha! My mind is always alert, so I would say... never! (yawns) Uh, sometimes.

Hank: Have you ever had a runny nose?

(Ben has a runny nose. Ben sucks his snot back into his nose.)

Ben: I have one right now!

Hank: Have you ever had an upset stomach?

(Ben's stomach growls.)

Ben: (exclaims) Did you hear that?

Hank: Uh, uh, okay, okay, there's nothing to worry about... probably, as long as your left hand doesn't itch.

(Ben starts scratching his left hand.)

Ben: How much of an itch?

Hank: Well, it says here the itch would be barely noticeable at first, but the more you think about it, the more it itches.

Ben: That's exactly what's happening right now!

Hank: Ben, I can't even say what this is.

Ben: (screams) Why?! Because it's that bad?!

Hank: No, because it's really hard to pronounce. Oh, but this condition is not good.

Ben: Give it to me straight, Doc!

Hank: Well, there's a 50% chance it's nothing...

(Ben sighs with relief.)

Hank: ...but there's a 60% chance that you're in bad shape.

(Ben gets dizzy with shock.)

Hank: I need to do some research. (gives lollipops) Have these.

(Scene cuts to the living room. Ben sits on a beanbag couch with a thermometer in his mouth.)

Ben: (checks thermometer) Normal?! This stupid thing is obviously not working! (gasps) I'm burning up!

Tom: Hey, Ben, I just passed by your work station, and I noticed that there was a station there, but no work.

Ben: (pants) Sorry, Tom. I can't work. I have to take a sick day. (coughs, itches hand, then farts)

Tom: Okay, well, that was real, but, Ben, you're not sick. It's all in your head. Hank doesn't know what he's talking about.

Hank: Excuse me, Tom. One of us was accepted into online medical school, so please leave me to my patient.

Ginger: Yeah, visiting hours are over, sir! (closes curtains)

Hank: Ben, your illness is definitely what I suspected, and it's... scary.

Ben: Oh, no! How scary?!

Hank: Well, I've been kind of a doctor for almost two days, and I've never seen anything this serious. Ben, I'm afraid you're going to need sugary. (shakes head) Surgery!

Ben: (gasps) This confirms what I feared all along.

Hank: Well, confirming fears is the #1 job of the doctor.

Ben: Maybe I should get a second opinion!

Hank: Okay, I'll give you one. In my opinion, ice cream is more delicious than frozen yogurt! But, back to your condition: if you don't get the surgery, can I have your stuff?

Ben: (screams) When can you fit me into your schedule, Doctor? No, wait, what if I try alternative medicine?! (coughs and farts)

(Scene cuts to the park. Angela sits with Ben on the ground. Incense is burned near Ben.)

Angela: Listen, Ben, you don't need surgery. You just need to relax. Here, breathe in some of this incense. (wafts smoke towards Ben)

Ben: (coughs) Can't breathe! Need air!

Angela: Here's what we're going to do: I'm going to send you healing energy, heart-to-heart until you're feeling better.

(Ben sighs with relief.)

Angela: Now, are you ready for your hug?

Ben: Hug?! No, no hugging, no hugging! I want the surgery! (runs away)

(Scene cuts to the makeshift operation room. Hank holds a tablet and a pizza cutter.)

Hank: Don't worry, Ben. It's an easy five-minute procedure any doctor could do with his eyes closed, which is really good, because I do not want to see anything icky!

(Hank watches a video on his tablet. The video is not shown to the viewer, but Hank is visibly disgusted.)

Doctor (on video): First, make an incision here, no, I'm sorry, not there. Over here, and then you- no, not there, either! Eh, split the difference-

(A popping sound is heard.)

Hank: Oh, that is messed up!

Doctor (on video): And it's as simple as presto magico! Oh, dear, that doesn't look right...

Hank: I can do this. I am an Internet Doctor! (prepares to make incision)

Ginger: Steady, into Benny...

(Tom enters.)

Tom: Whoa, stop!

Hank: (sighs in relief) Thank goodness!

Tom: Ben, this is insane. You can't let this happen.

Ben: Tom, stop. There's only a .00000... (coughs) ...01% chance that I'll survive this operation today, but there's no chance that I'll survive the illness. It's simple math! I couldn't possibly get up if I try.

Ginger: Guys, no more talking! We have to begin stat! That's a medical term.

Angela: Tom, you can't just stand there. Do something!