The Substitute Teacher/Transcript

(Scene shows the garage. Hank hugs Tom.)

Hank: (sobs) This can't be the end. She's too young to depart this world!

Tom: Stay strong, Hank. She's in good hands.

(Ben is seen trying to repair a refrigerator. He is wearing goggles. He removes a part from the refrigerator and throws it on the floor.)

Hank: (sobs) I can't watch!

(Ben's phone starts ringing.)

Ben: Huh?

(Ben is electrocuted. He screams. The phone is on his desk.)

(Ben goes to the front of the refrigerator and puts his head into the refrigerator.)

Ben: Will somebody answer that?

Tom: (answers) Ben's phone. (gasps) Miss Vanthrax!

Ben: Ms. Vanthrax?! (bumps head) Ow!

Tom: Uh, Ben is very busy-

Ben: (runs over and takes phone) Give me that! (to phone) Hello, hello, hello!

(Ms. Vanthrax is in bed ill.)

Ms. Vanthrax: (coughs) Benjamin! (coughs)

Ben: Oh, Velma, you sound awful!

Ms. Vanthrax: I've come down with a cold. (coughs) Now, the class needs to decide on a project for next week's science fair, and I was wondering if you were free.

Ben: (gasps) M-m-m-me?!

(A flashforward is played of Ben as a professor. He, along with Ginger and his class, accept an award for the science fair.)

Ben: It would be an honor!

Ms. Vanthrax: Oh, excellent! Now, it's not for amateurs, so, no... baking-soda volcanoes! (coughs)

Ben: Understood.

Ms. Vanthrax: I want that first-place ribbon, Ben. I want it bad. (coughs)

Ben: I won't let you down. (ends call and starts leaving)

Tom: Ben, you have to fix the fridge!

Ben: Maybe later! I have a class to sub!

Hank: Wait, don't leave her like this! (sobs)

(Theme song plays)

(Scene cuts to the hallway of Ginger's school. Ronnie and Ginger walk through the halls.)

Ronnie: Ms. Vanthrax sure was mad at you yesterday!

Ginger: Hey, I just left my skateboard in the hall. (shows image) She's the one to decided to slip on it!

(Ginger enters the classroom, only to find Ben inside. Ben wears a green plaid suit and round glasses. He writes on the chalkboard.)

Ginger: Ben?! What are you doing here?

Ben: I'm your substitute teacher! As you may have heard, Ms. Vanthrax is home sick.

(Ronnie and Ginger cheer. Ginger blows into a noisemaker.)

Ben: Okay, take your seats!

Ginger: Man, we just hit the jackpot! Ben's not a real teacher! He's just a guy!

(Ben gets the attention of the class. On the chalkboard is a drawing of a lightbulb and an atom.)

Ben: (clears throat) Our goal is to come up with an idea for the science fair. I've printed information on some exciting fields to pique your interests.

(Ben takes a large cardboard box out from under his desk and places it on his desk.)

Ben: Micro-entomology!

(Ronnie gasps.)

Ben: (takes out another box) Xeno-paleontology!

(Darren shudders.)

Ben: (takes out third box) Botano-minerology!

(A girl gasps.)

Ben: Are your interests piqued? Eh?

(A boy collapses on the floor. Ginger is seen giggling and drawing in a book.)

Ben: Ginger?

Ginger: Huh?

Ben: Are you even listening to me? What did I just say?

Ginger: Um, there's a fair? And interest?

(Ben takes Ginger's book to find an offensive drawing of Ben. The class laughs.)

Ben: No, Ginger! The fair is extremely important! We need to come up with an idea!

Ginger: Let's just make a volcano!

Ben: No volcanoes! (slams desk)

Ginger: Come on, cut the mean-teacher act. It's me, ya boy!

(Ben growls angrily.)

Ben: That's it! You just lost your class their recess!

(The class gasps.)

Ginger: Wait, what? You can't do that!

Ben: I just did! And if anyone has a problem with that, you can thank ya boy!

(The students groan angrily at Ginger.)

(Scene cuts back to the garage. Tom tries to fix the refrigerator. Hank is seen eating the fruit inside.)

Hank: Let's face it, Tom. (eats grapes) We have to eat all the food before it spoils. (eats cheesecake)

Tom: (uses hammer) Okay, I think I'm getting somewhere.

(Tom strikes the fridge with his hammer. A part flies towards Angela.)

Angela: Ah! (catches part) Why don't I call my neighbor Mike? He fixed my air conditioner when it broke over the summer.

Tom: (hits thumb) Mike?! Why didn't you call me to fix your air conditioner?

(Angela laughs.)

Tom: What? What's so funny?

Angela: (stops laughing) No offense, Tom. It's just, well, you're not really a handyman. (throws part to Tom)

Tom: Oh, yeah? Watch this.

(Tom picks up a container and smells it.)

Tom: See? The coolant tank is almost empty.

Angela: Yeaaah, that's a bagel spread.

(Tom reveals that the container is labeled with an image of a bagel.)

Tom: Oh. (laughs nervously) And it is almost empty.

(Scene cuts to the school. The students are in detention, and they appear bored. Darren bangs his head on his desk, Ronnie places pencils in his nose, and a girl plays with a yoyo.)

(A girl uses a slingshot to launch a colored pencil into Ginger's head.)

Ginger: Hey!

(The girl makes a cutthroat gesture. Ginger whimpers and Ben gets a call from Ms. Vanthrax.)

Ben: Ms. Vanthrax! (to class) I'm going to take this in the hall, and when I get back, I want to hear some good ideas for our project! (exits)

(As soon as Ben leaves, the students gather around Ginger.)

Girl: You're gonna pay for this.

(Ginger screams and runs around the classroom, being chased by the classmates.)

(Scene shows Ben in the hall, just outside the door. In the door's window, Ginger is seen being chased by the classmates.)

Ben: Oh, no, they're behaving. I just had to show them who was boss.

Ms. Vanthrax: (on phone) Excellent!

Ben: That first-place ribbon is as good as yours!

Ms. Vanthrax: Hm... well, I hope so. I'm going back to sleep now. Don't screw up!

(In the classroom, the students corner Ginger against the door.)

Ginger: I can make this right, I promise!

Girl: Oh, yeah? (makes fist) How're you gonna do that?!

Ginger: I've got a plan.

(Scene cuts to Ben ending the call and reentering the classroom.)

Ben: Alright, class, let's see what you've all come up with for the science fa.... (stutters)

(The students have piled the desks to form a barricade. They all wear military helmets.)

Ginger: Sorry, Ben, it was you or me.

(Ben whimpers in shock.)

Ginger: (yells) Attack!

(A slow-motion is shown of the students taking out spitball shooters and fire them at Ben. Ben screams.)

(Scene cuts to the garage. Tom has taped the refrigerator door closed.)

Tom: You see, Angela? Good as new.

(The tape breaks, causing the refrigerator door to fall. Hank screams. A few of the shelves collapse.)

Angela: I should have called Mike when we had the chance.

Tom: Wha-

(Ben enters covered in spitballs.)

Ben: Those little savages! How dare they disrespect an educator like this?!

Hank: Hey, uh, Ben? You have something on your face. And, uh, most of your body.

(Ben shakes the spitballs off.)

Ben: Ms. Vanthrax is going to come back to a class that hasn't even started the science fair project! (groans) (bangs head on desk) I'm a failure! A failure!

Tom: (tosses part to Angela) Ben, sounds like you might need my help even more.

Ben: You don't know these kids, Tom. They're monsters!

Tom: Well, when it comes to dealing with monsters, you might say I'm pretty... handy!

(Angela groans at the pun.)

Ben: Fine.

(Tom and Ben leave.)

Angela: I guess we could try to fix this.

(Scene cuts back to the school. Ben talks to Tom through a headworn microphone.)

Ben: (to Tom) Are you sure about this, Tom?

(Tom watches the children through a window. He sits in a tree and watches them with binoculars.)

Tom: Just follow my directions and say what I tell you. Oh, and... be cool.

(Ben sighs. He puts on sunglasses and a cap. He is also wearing a denim jacket.)

(Ben kicks down the classroom door. He then tries to rip the blackboard off the wall.)

(He eventually succeeds, but falls in the process.)

Tom: Easy, pull it together, buddy, or you're going to lose them!

Ben: (to class) So! Have I got your attention yet?

(The students run to their desks and take their seats. They nod.)

Ben: Excellent! Now, what do you want to learn about today? No wrong answers!

Ginger: Um, math?

Ben: Wrong! What do you really want?

Ginger: Um... (takes out console) video games?

Ben: Great! Let's play video games!

(A montage is shown of Ben playing with the class. Ginger plays a video game while Ben points to a blackboard with notes on the game.)

(Ben and Ginger do a hip hop dance on the floor.)

(The students race in the hall using wheeled chairs.)

(End of montage. Tom is still in the tree and Ben is in the classroom.)

Tom: Great job, Ben! Keep it up! The day is almost over.

Ben: What?!

(Ben looks at the clock.)

Ben: But we haven't even started the project!

Tom: Huh? Right, right, okay. I should probably mention, cool teachers don't get a lot done.

(Ben panics. He throws away his "cool" attire, puts on glasses, takes away the items from the children, and replaces the blackboard and classroom door.)

Ben: Class! We mustn't neglect our science fair project! Everyone get some graph paper-

Students: (chants) Science stinks! Science stinks! Science stinks! Science stinks! Science stinks!

Ben: (hits desk with ruler) Quiet! We've goofed around all day, so now we're doing this project whether you like it or not!

Students: Booooooo! (throws items at Ben)

Ginger: Hey, Ben, (climbs desk) here's what we think about you trying to get serious about learning all of a sudden! (holds up paper airplane)

Ben: Nooo!

(Ginger throws the airplane, but it nosedives towards the floor without hitting Ben. The students mock Ginger.)

Girl: That was pathetic.

Ginger: It's not my fault! The paper cheated!

Ben: (picks up airplane) The paper never had a chance, Ginger. The aerodynamic forces on that thing are totally off-balance.

(Ben readjusts the airplane's tip and throws it. It lands smoothly on Ginger's desk.)

Ginger: Whoa! Wait... science can make paper airplanes better?

(The students gasp and open their books.)

(Scene cuts to later in the day. The desks are stacked and paper airplanes are thrown in the air.)

(Ben throws a plane. Suddenly, Ms. Vanthrax enters, and the door falls over. The whiteboard also falls over.)

Ms. Vanthrax: What... is going on in here?!

Ben: Velma! You're feeling better?!

Ms. Vanthrax: I was, until you turned my classroom into a rumpus room!

Ben: (stutters) B-b-b-b-

Ms. Vanthrax: You should be ashamed of yourself!

(Ben walks away sadly.)

Ginger: Excuse me, Teacher Ben. (holds biplane) I need to improve the arc of my plane's flight path. What can I do?

Ben: Hmm. (walks to blackboard) It looks like you're forgetting one of the four major forces that act on a plane. Remember...

(Ginger holds up chalk and writes an equation on the board.)

Ms. Vanthrax: (gasps) This can't be! After all these years!

Ginger: Oh! I'll increase my wingspan to get more lift!

(Ginger readjusts his plane and throws it. It is followed by several other planes.)

(Ms. Vanthrax drops her book in shock. The paper airplane lands in her hands.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Oh, I've never seen children so eager to learn! Excellent work, Ben, excellent!

(The children cheer and pick up Ben, tossing him into the air.)

(A series of photos are shown of Ben accepting the first place ribbon, only for it to be stolen by Ms. Vanthrax.)

(Scene cuts back to the garage. Tom enters.)

Tom: Well, guys, seems like Ben did- whaaaaat?

(Tom finds that the refrigerator is fixed. Hank kisses it.)

Tom: How'd you do that?!

Angela: Pff!

Hank: Easy-peasy, icy-creamsy!

Tom: Huh, alright. (walks away)

(Angela reveals that Mike had been hiding being the refrigerator, and that he had fixed the refrigerator.)

Angela: Thanks, Mike. I owe you one.

(Credits roll)