Back to School/Transcript

(Scene shows Ben, who is looking for an item in the garage.)

Ben: (searches couch) No, no, no, where is it?! Where is it?!

Hank: (searches refrigerator) Are you sure you lost your newest amazing invention?

Ben: Don't be ridiculous. I specifically remember saying "eureka" when it was finished. Keep looking!

(Tom and Angela enter, sipping smoothies.)

Tom: (looks at messy garage) Wow, guys, we need to have a talk about keeping this place clean.

Ben: (searches upstairs) Don't just stand there sipping smoothies! Today is the deadline to submit for the Young Genius Award and I can't find my Miracle Slurper!

(Tom and Angela shrug.)

Ben: It uses high-powered suction to collect and purify water at a distance of up to 30 feet.

Angela: We'll help you find it! (sips) What does it look like?

Hank: Ooh, good question, Angela!

Ben: It's a tube and it's- (realizes Hank does not know what the slurper looks like) You don't know what it looks like?! Hank, you've been looking for it all day!

Hank: I figured I'd know it when I saw it.

Ben: (sighs) Well, it looks like a hollow tube with lights and a motor.

Tom: (gets realization) Um, when you say lights and a motor, you don't mean blinking lights and a small motor, do you?

Ben: Yes, exactly! Have you seen it?

Tom: (giggles nervously) Uh, here's the thing. Uh, the dictionary defines a "mistake" as something that you-

Ben: (interrupts) Where is it, Tom? Where is my top-secret, not-ready-to-be-seen-yet Miracle Slurper?

Ginger: (enters) Tom, that invention you said I could bring to school got me into trouble! I was using it to shoot spitballs at my teacher, but it got too powerful and the spitballs went through the wall, so my teacher took it away. You know which invention I'm talking about, right? The tube with the lights and the motor?

(Tom giggles nervously.)

(Ben angrily screams and jumps on Tom.)

(Theme song plays.)

(Hank and Angela restrain Ben from attacking Tom.)

Ben: You don't give away other people's things, Tom! You don't give away other people's things!

Tom: I can explain. See, it was early this morning and I was working hard on a project on my own.

(Flashback is shown of Tom in the morning. Tom has built a tower out of French toast.)

(Ginger walks by and notices the Miracle Slurper. He uses it to attract a plate.)

Ginger: Whoa, amazing!

Tom: (referring to French toast tower) I know, right? It's incredible.

(Ginger uses the Miracle Slurper to shoot the plate.)

Ginger: Can I take it to school?

Tom: (still referring to French toast tower) Yeah, that might be tough, but if you can find a way to get it there, sure.

Ginger: (giggles) Thanks, Tom! (leaves)

Tom: Huh? I dunno.

(Scene cuts back to present day)

Tom: The real problem isn't that I gave away your invention. It's that Ginger didn't try hard enough to make eye contact with me.

Angela: Wow, Tom. I think I speak for everyone when I say... that is one amazing French toast tower.

Tom: Thank you. I'll have you know it's as structurally-sound... (touches tower) as it is mouth-watering.

Ben: Forget that, my invention is gone!

Hank: Well, it's not really gone. Ginger's teacher has it.

Tom: Right! All we have to do is go to his school and get it back.

Ginger: Except my teacher said that my parents would have to come get it.

Tom: Like I said, all we have to do is get Ginger's parents to go to his school and get it back.

Ginger: Except my parents are in the South Pacific riding submarines.

Angela: Wait, what? Why?

Ginger: Uh, for fun?

Tom: (takes out costume box) Okay, what if Angela and I pretend to be Ginger's parents, meet with his teacher, (puts on fake mustache) and get the Miracle Slurper back?

Angela: Oh, that could work. (to Ginger) Ginger, tell me everything about your mom so I can understand her character. (puts on scarf)

Tom: Come on, Junior.

Ginger: Ugh, do I have to go back to school? I just got outta there.

Angela: (scoffs) Don't you talk to your father like that! Is that something she would say? (starts leaving)

Ben: (growls) This better work! Don't you dare come back here without my Miracle Slurp-

(Tom leaves. Ben bangs the table in frustration. The French toast tower does not fall.)

Ben: Wow, that is structurally-sound.

(Scene cuts to the school at night. Tom, Angela and Ginger enter.)

Angela: (fixes Ginger's hair) Ginger, hold still! Ugh, you're a mess!

Ginger: Stop it! I look fine!

Tom: Man, it feels like just yesterday I was runnin' this school. All the guys wanted to be me, all the girls wanted to...

(Angela looks at Tom awkwardly.)

Tom: ...be me, too.

(Angela sighs.)

Tom: That's how cool I was. If there was a Spring Fling dance comin' up, I'd ask you to go with me.

Angela: Aw!

Tom: So many memories here. If these walls could talk- hm.

(Tom hears a tapping noise and whimpers.)

(The tapping noise comes from the teacher tapping her fingernails on her desk.)

(A flashback is shown of Tom's childhood. Tom builds a small tower from colored pencils.)

Teacher: Thomas! You're going to keep getting in trouble until you learn to pay attention! (bangs table, knocks over pencils) Now pick those up and organize them by how much they need sharpening.

(Scene cuts back to present day. Tom whimpers.)

Angela: What would the talking walls say?

Tom: Ginger! You didn't tell me your teacher was Ms. Vanthrax!

Ginger: You didn't ask.

Tom: I can't go in there! She was my teacher, too, and, she's the scariest person I've ever met!

Angela: Your old teacher shouldn't scare you, Tom.

Tom: Uh-huh.

Angela: You're a grownup now, just like her.

Tom: Uh-huh.

(Tom tries to run away, but Angela and Ginger restrain him.)

Angela: No, Tom!

Ginger: Come on, Dad!

(Angela and Ginger drag Tom towards the classroom.)

Tom: (cries) No!

(They enter the classroom and approach the teacher's desk.)

Ms. Vanthrax: I'm glad we're finally meeting, Mr. and Mrs. Ginger.

(Ms. Vanthrax stands up, revealing her face for the first time. She holds out her hand.)

Angela: (handshakes, laughs nervously) Yes, it's so great to meet you, too, Ms. Vanthrax. Isn't that right, honey?

(Tom whimpers.)

Angela: Right. Um, anyway, my son, who is Ginger, wh-who is definitely my son, has told me so much about you.

Ms. Vanthrax: Has he, now? I'm surprised he could stop shooting spitballs long enough to tell you anything.

(Tom screams in shock.)

Angela: (laughs nervously) That's our little prankster.

(Ginger attempts to leave, but Angela pulls him back.)

Angela: But, really, he is a good kid, and we'll make sure this never happens again.

Ms. Vanthrax: That's good to hear. Remember, discipline begins at home.

(Ms. Vanthrax takes the Miracle Slurper from her desk and hands it to Ginger.)

Ginger: (starts leaving) We got the machine. Let's scram! (stops) I mean, shall we leave, Mother and Father?

Angela: (chuckles) See what I mean? Prankster.

(Tom and Angela start leaving.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Oh, and one more thing.

(Ms. Vanthrax dashes towards Tom and rips off his fake mustache.)

Ms. Vanthrax: I recognized you the second you walked in, Thomas, my old student. (laughs) I hope you're enjoying your little back-to-school visit, because it just got extended! (presses button)

(A magnetic antenna appears from the desk and attracts Tom and Angela's phones.)

Angela: What? Hey!

Tom: No, no! No!

(Metal bars cover the windows. The door closes and bars appear above it. The door locks.)

Ginger: Way to go, Dad!

(A spotlight focuses on the friends.)

Tom: It's not fair!

Ms. Vanthrax: You come into my classroom, you play by my rules! Welcome to detention, troublemakers.

(Scene cuts to the garage living room. Bongo and McGillicuddy is on the television.)

Ben: (frustrated) Why aren't they back?

Hank: Oh, stop worrying and watch TV. Look, it's the Bongo and McGillicuddy where Bongo and McGillicuddy go to jail!

Ben: What? Aren't they cops?

Hank: Cops, framed for a crime they didn't commit. Will they break out of this prison and clear their names?

Ben: Well, when you say it like that, it makes you want to watch the episode. (sits down)

Hank: Yeah!

(Scene cuts to the classroom. Tom, Angela and Ginger are sitting in desks.)

Tom: (whispers to Angela) We gotta break out of this prison.

(Ms. Vanthrax is reading a magazine.)

Ginger: (whispers) Get... me... out!

Ms. Vanthrax: Shh!

Tom: I have a plan.

(Tom draws a complicated plan on paper and holds it up.)

Ginger: Hm?

Angela: What?

Tom: One... two...

Angela: No, no, no! Just-

Tom: Now!

(Tom tries to stand up, but is stuck in the desk and falls over with the desk, crashing into other desks.)

Tom: Ow.

(Angela sighs and facepalms.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Nice try, Thomas.

Tom: Oh...

Ms. Vanthrax: But it looks like all your detentions just turned into... double detention!

Ginger: Aw!

Angela: No! (sighs)

Ms. Vanthrax: I could stay here all night. Nobody's waiting for me at home. Just one benefit of being a single gal. The point is, you three aren't going anywhere!

Ginger: This isn't fair! I was just sitting at my desk like a well-behaved boy!

Ms. Vanthrax: A well-behaved boy wouldn't be in detention in the first place!

Angela: (slams desk) Alright, Ms. Vanthrax, if that's how you want to play this, that's how we'll play this. I know my rights. I want my phone call!

Ms. Vanthrax: (gasps) How did you know?! Oh, fine, then!

(Ms. Vanthrax goes to the blackboard and pulls a chain.)

Ms. Vanthrax: You must think you're real clever.

Tom: What phone call?

Angela: School handbook, Rule 437: "Anyone sentenced to detention is allowed one phone call to their parent or guardian."

(A rotary phone appears from the ceiling. Ms. Vanthrax blows the dust off it.)

Ms. Vanthrax: You get one phone call and only one phone call, so you better make it count.

(Scene cuts to Ben and Hank watching television. Hank receives a call.)

Hank: (picks up phone) Hello. Hey, Angela.

Ben: What?

Hank: Mom? No, this is Hank.

Ben: (takes phone) Angela, what are you doing?!

Angela: Hi, "Mom." I'm calling from "detention."

Ben: Are you speaking in code? Confirm or deny- you're in detention, and you're using School Handbook Rule 437 to let me know.

Angela: That is surprisingly specific.

Ben: Oh, no, now I'll never get the Miracle Slurper in time.

(An explosion is viewed on TV.)

Hank: No!

(Bongo and McGillicuddy emerge, having broken out of prison.)

Hank: Phew!

Bongo: It looks like the best way to stay out of jail is to break out.

Hank: They did it! Just like the last time I watched this episode.

Ben: Hm. Angela, "Mom" is coming for ya.

(A montage is shown of Ben and Hank preparing to enter the school. Ben and Hank put on a hat and get climbing rope.)

(Ben and Hank go to the side of the school. They enter the ceiling using a grappling hook.)

(Ben enters a vent. Hank calls into the vent to hear the echoes. He is pulled in by Ben.)

(Ben and Hank crawl in the vents. He finds a grate, and can see the classroom through it.)

Ben: I see 'em. Now I just need to- (pushes on vent)

(The grate breaks off and Ben falls through into the classroom. He coughs from the dust emerging.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Well, if it isn't another troublemaker! You just fell into the wrong classroom. (approaches Ben)

(Ben whimpers.)

Ms. Vanthrax: (recognizes Ben) Benjamin?

Ben: Velma?

Tom, Angela, Ginger: Velma?

Ms. Vanthrax: I haven't seen you since the teacher's pet mixer.

Angela: Uh, what's going on?

Ms. Vanthrax: What in the world are you doing here?

Ben: Well, I'm trying to retrieve an invention of mine that someone gave away without permission. It's a water collection and purification that apparently can also be used to make, uh... (clears throat) spitballs.

Ms. Vanthrax: (laughs) What a delightful misunderstanding! I'd love to see this in action.

Ben: I'd be happy to show you!

Angela: Um, hello? What about us?

Ben: Um, you know, Miss V, Angela was just, uh, trying to help me, and Ginger is just a kid.

Ms. Vanthrax: Oh. Very well. (to Angela and Ginger) You two, prepare to be educated! (presses button)

(The bars rise up from the windows and door. The door unlocks and Ms. Vanthrax opens it.)

Ginger: Whoa, cool, awesome!

Angela: Woo-hoo! (skips out)

Ginger: Learning's fun! (skips out)

Tom: Hey, what about me?

(Tom tries to get out, but is stuck in the desk. He falls over.)

Ben: I think you need a little longer to learn what was wrong about what you did.

Tom: What?! You can't do that!

Ms. Vanthrax: No talking, Thomas!

(Ben and Ms. Vanthrax laugh.)

Ms. Vanthrax: Now, let's go, youngster. Wisdom awaits! (closes door)

Ben: Yay, school! (leaves)

Tom: Wait! (struggles) Come back! (struggles) Don't leave me here! You can't leave me here!

(Hank is still in the vents.)

Hank: Tom: in detention for a crime he didn't commit. Will he break out of his old school, or will he remain a prisoner of that teeny-tiny kid desk?

(Tom continues struggling, but is still stuck. He collapses on the floor, defeated.)

Hank: Yes, he will.

(Credits roll)