Hank's First Date/Transcript


 * The episode begins in a restaurant. The waiters are getting ready for Hank to arrive.*

Waiter: Fix those forks. Wipe that glass! When the big guy shows up, everything has to be perfect!

Waitress: We don't usually fancy up tables like this. Who's the hot shot?

Waiter: The big cheese! The top noodle! You'll know him by the yellow pin on his collar.

* Cuts to Tom, Angela, and Hank outside.*

Hank: I...I...uh...

Angela: That's Becca's favorite flower. You're looking great for your date.

Tom: Yeah.

Hank: Gee, thanks, Angela. I guess all I have left to say is...(dramatically) Don't make me go in there! Please! I've never been on a date before!

Tom: Oh, Hank, you can do this buddy.

Hank: Yeah, well, what if I can't? I don't know the first thing about romance! *shows a picture of him, Tom, and Ben* I'm only good at hanging with the boys. See?

Tom: Just be confident. Fake like you know what you're doing and everything will be fine. Oh...

Angela: (pushes Tom away) Yeah, you're gonna be great. (pushes Hank in the restaurant) Now, get in there!

* Hank feels nervous. Cuts to the theme song.*

* At the restaurant, Hank goes up to another waitress.*

Hank: Hello, madam. I am here for a date.

Waitress #2: A lot of people have dates. Do you have a reservation?

Hank: A reser-reser...yeah. Is that something I need?

* The waitress stares at Hank. Hank groans. Imaginary Tom appears.*

Imaginary Tom: Remember what I said, man! Fake like you know what you're doing, and everything will be fine! *blows kiss*

Hank: Mm-hmm. Gotcha. I think you'll fond that I do have a reservation for, um...*sees an empty table* That table right over there.

Waitress #2: (gasps as she sees Becca's flower pin on Hank's fancy outfit) Oh, my goodness! Of course, right this way. We've been expecting you. *kisses Hank's hand*

* The waitress leads Hank to the empty table.*

Hank: Hey, I guess Tom knows this stuff.

* The scene transitions to Becca, who has arrived at the restaurant as well.*

Becca: This is a nice place. I didn't know this was how you rolled.

Hank: Oh, I'm full of surprises. Like the babysitter in that classic thriller, "I Think My Babysitter's An Alien". (chuckles)

Becca: I've seen that movie 5 times. I love it when the aliens get exploded. It's so cool.

Hank: I think you'll find there's a lot about me that's cool.

* Hank accidentally slides the plate and causes the flower vase to splash all over Becca's face.*

Hank: I'm so sorry! I goofed it up!

Becca: It's okay. I'll just run to the bathroom and wipe the flowers off.

Imaginary Tom: This is going great! Keep faking it, because you are making it!

Hank: I guess I am, Imaginary Tom. I never would have thought that the secret to dating is confidence.

Waiter #2: (stammers) What's this?! Boy, you've got a lot of nerve.

Hank: Oh, thank you. As a dating man who does dating, having "nerve" is key.

Waiter #2: I'm not talking about your date! You stole this table from Tony Macaroni!

* The customers gasp.*

Waiter #2: Big mistake, pal. You just made an enemy of the worst dangerous pasta smuggler in town!

Hank: Huh?

Male Reporter: Tony Macaroni has escaped from prison. Police should be looking for him but they're way too scared.

Hank: Huh? (yelps)

* The limousine of Tony Macaroni has arrived.*

Tony Macaroni: Go check my table.

* Tony Macaroni's three assistants arrive in the restaurant, much to the customers' shock.*

Tony's Assistant #2: Hey! Who's that sitting in Mr. Macaroni's table?

* The waiter faints.*

Waiter #2: (stammering) The table will be ready in just a moment.

* Hank hides under the table, but lets it fall by accident.*

Tony's Assistant #1: Nobody breaks Tony Macaroni's stuff. Get him!

* Hank notices Becca has come out of the bathroom.*

Hank: (grabs Becca's hand) Becca, we have to go!

Becca: What? But we just got here.

* Hank drags Becca to the exit.*

Hank: Yeah, well, like I said, I'm full of surprises! (nervous chuckle)

* Hank notices Tony's assistants getting on their way.*

Becca: What? Whoa!

Hank: (drags Becca at the exit) Hurry!

* The scene cuts to Hank and Becca at the Rickety Brothers Carnival.*

Becca: That was weird. Normally, you dine-and-dash after you eat.

Hank: Yeah, that place was...stuffy. Besides, we'll have a much better date outside!

Becca: I get it. Come on!

* Becca drags Hank to the knock the cans over game. Hank misses a shot.*

Becca: Nice shot. But watch this.

* Becca does a perfect throw at the cans.*

Hank: Wow!

* Hank notices Tony's assistants arriving at the carnival.*

Hank: Uh, uh-oh.

Hank drags Becca again. The scene transitions to Becca and Hank at a movie theater.*

Woman: Chad, it's so romantic being on the beach under the light of the moon...

* Hank once again notices Tony's assistants are at the movie theater as well.*

Hank: Sorry! Pardon me! Excuse me! *drags Becca again*

* Hank and Becca are now at the street. An artist paints a pose for them. Hank notices Tony's assistants again.*

Tony's Assistant #1: Hey...whoa. Come back here.

* The artist has drawn a picture of Hank dragging Becca.*

Artist: Hey!

* Scene cuts to the dance party. Becca lends her hand out to Hank for a dance. Hank notices the assistants again and drags Becca again.*

Becca: Hank!

* Hank and Becca do a quick dance before the assistants catch them.*

Tony's Assistants #2 and #3: Grab 'em!

* Hank drags Becca at the exit. The assistants dance their way out and arrive at the dump. Hank and Becca are in the dumpster.*

Hank: Isn't this fun? This is a date activity called "Quiet Dumpster". The goal is to see who can be the quietest one in the dumpster. *Becca isn't very happy* Let's try.

Becca: No! I'm done! If you didn't want to date me, you should've stood me up like a normal person instead of torturing me!

Hank: What?! Becca, I'm not doing that.

Becca: Really? Then, what are you doing? Why has this entire date been so weird?

Imaginary Tom: Remember, fake it and you'll...*sees an upset Becca* Oh! Wow. Maybe stop taking my advice. Heh.

Hank: (sniffles) I ruined our date! I forgot to make a reservation for dinner, so I accidentally impersonated Tony Macaroni and stole his table! And now his goons are after us and that's why we're here.

Becca: What?

Hank: Oh, Becca! I'm so sorry! (he sobs)

Becca: Hank, that is...such a relief!