Hero Hank/Transcript

(The episode begins with Hank leaving the garage in security guard attire. He rides his bike, bumping into Angela, who was carrying groceries.)

Angela: (drops bag) Whoa.

(Hank continues riding. He bumps into two other people, knocking a scoop of ice cream into one's mouth.)

(Hank jumps off his bike. Someone catches it.)

Hank: Nice catch! The name's Hank: Officer Hank.

(Hank walks into a club and approaches the club owner, who is inspecting a card with a magnifying glass.)

Hank: Officer Hank, your ace security guard, reporting for action! It's always been a dream of mine to be a hero cop. (makes fighting moves)

Owner: Easy, pal. You're not a cop. You're at a nerd convention, if you know what I mean.

Hank: I know that! So I guess my job is to make sure no one steals a comic book or kidnaps an extra from Space Conflicts II.

Owner: That's not going to happen. Again, you're not a cop. Your job is to walk around here and do nothing.

Hank: Aw!

Owner: Wait a minute, there's one way you can make yourself useful.

Hank: (gasps) Protect the innocent? Arrest a perp?

(The owner slides a sponge and spray bottle towards Hank.)

Hank: Huh?

Owner: Clean up any messes you see. Some of these nerds are real slobs. I don't need that in my club.

Hank: (holds up spray bottle) Sure? That's a little bit heroic.

Owner: Nah, it's not, but, hey, at least you'll be fighting "grime!" (laughs and leaves)

Hank: (cleans table) Aw.

(Theme song plays)

(Nerd Night begins. The friends enter. Two people are play-swordfighting.

Angela: So this is Nerd Night, huh? It's pretty much what the name says.

(Ben is wearing a paper crown with a toilet paper roll on it.)

Ben: Isn't it? I've got to find the table where they're playing Castles and Latrines, so I can defend my title as High Chancellor of Plumbing.

(Ginger is holding a toilet plunger.)

Ginger: That's what you think! I'm taking you down this year! Your reign of terror ends today, High Chancellor!

(Ben and Ginger laugh and leave.)

Angela: We could have gone literally anywhere else, Tom.

Tom: I know Nerd Night seems lame, but trust me on this, alright? We're here for something cool.

(Tom opens an album of cards.)

Tom: These are Pleekymon cards. People all around the world collect 'em, trade 'em, and most importantly, sell them. We're here to find rare cards that are worth big bucks.

Angela: Why would anybody pay for these? They don't even come with gum.

(A person is seen piggyback-riding on another person while screaming.)

Tom: It's hard to explain. Let me buy you a pack and you'll see.

Angela: Okay, let's see. Hm.

(Angela takes a pack of Pleekymon cards, opens it, and reads one of the cards.)

Angela: (reads card) "The Common Mouse."

Tom: Okay, that's not worth much, but it's a start. It may take a while to find something great, like a-

Angela: (reads another card) "A Super Diamond Awesome Giant?"

Tom: Really? (takes card) That's, like, one of the best cards! Oh, man! And it's Silver Edition? Nice.

Angela: (takes another card from pack) Neat, there's two of them. (gasps) Oh, you were right! I like this feeling. You know what, let's get rich quick!

(A montage is shown of Hank cleaning surfaces.)

(Hank cleans a wall, then a door. He then scrubs the mouth of one of the guests. Lastly, he finds a white stain on a painting and scrubs it off.)

Hank: Huh?

(The painting was smudged. He redraws the face.)

(Hank cleans the table of a group of guests playing with Pleekymon cards, only to be confronted by the guests. He is thrown across a table.)

(Concludes montage. Hank gets up and whimpers.)

Tom: Hey, it's Hero Cop Hank!

Angela: Are you loving this job? It's all you were talking about yesterday. And the day before. And every day since you found out about it.

Hank: Ugh, that was a different Hank. One that didn't know a career in law enforcement can break your heart. (sniffs) One who still had dreams!

Tom: Aw, buddy, what happened? Did you get framed for a crime you didn't commit?

Hank: Worse, there is no crime! The only thing for me to do here is clean up. This night stinks!

Tom: Well, I mean, it's not so bad. You can-

Guest: (holding Pleekymon cards) Oh! This pack is bursting with rare silver cards! Fortune has smiled upon me!

Angela: Tom, someone's beating us to our riches!

Tom: (drops Pleekymon card) We'll talk later, Hank. Hang in there, buddy!

Hank: (reads Pleekymon card) "The Common Mouse is the most useless character in the Pleekymon universe." (sighs) Common Mouse, I know how you feel.

(Hank notices a white stain on the floor.)

Hank: Huh? Aw, who keeps doing this?!

(Hank finds that one of the guests at Ben's table have paint on their hands.)

Hank: Huh.

Ben: (plays game) I believe I will play the Tipped Chamber Pot. Everyone stagger back two wheelbarrows.

Hank: (interrupts game) Excuse me, sir, I'm trying to keep this place clean. I can see that you have got wet paint on your hands. I'm going to have to ask you to go to the bathroom and wa-

(The guest runs away.)

Hank: Stop in the name of security!

Ginger: Dibs on his resources!

(The guest runs into the alley.)

Hank: Hey, slow down! The bathroom is inside! Stop!

(The guest throws soda cans at Hank, who dodges them. He then throws a box of nails at Hank, who must carefully walk past the nails to avoid stepping on them. The guest then throws a garbage can at Hank and runs, only to reach a busy street, narrowly avoiding getting hit by a car.)

Hank: (pants) Why'd you run away? I just wanted you to wash your hands.

Guest: This is bigger than you think. It's everywhere! Look for the man with the can!

Hank: Wait, hold on, what do you mean?

Guest: I've said too much!

(A white van appears. The guest hops in.)

Hank: Wait!

Guest: (hits van) Drive, mom!

(The guest escapes Hank.)

(Scene cuts back to club. Ginger continues playing against Ben.)

Ginger: (rolls dice) Wow! I own half the castle now! You won't be able to touch a latrine without King Ginger's potty pass!

Ben: You haven't won yet! The bronze aqueduct is still mine.

Hank: Hey, what do you know about the guy who ran away from this table? And who does he know that has a can?

Ben: I do not have time for these riddles. I am busy fortifying my defences.

Hank: But he was covering up a secret! He gave me a mysterious clue!

Ben: Seriously, I don't know the guy.

Ginger: Nya! King Ginger has grown weary of this distraction! Leave my presence at once, constable!

(Hank leaves Ben and Ginger alone, but asks Tom and Angela.)

Hank: Guys, something big is happening!

Angela: Did you find more Pleekymon cards?

Tom: Hey, man, if you did, don't you dare hold out on us, man, 'cause we're on a Pleeky-roll for the ages!

Hank: No, Tom, it's not about cards. Have you seen a man with a can?

Angela: Uh, like a can of soda?

Tom: I'll tell you what. If we find a man with a can- (gets distracted) More cards! (leaves with Angela)

Angela: Yay!

Hank: Tom, Angela, wait! Alright, fine! I'll do this like a hero cop does it: without backup.

(A montage is played of Hank asking around.)

(Hank creates a sketch of a man with a can. He asks several people, but gets no answers.)

(Concludes montage. Hank sadly sits down, only to notice a sign on a door with a man throwing a can into a recycling bin. Hank gasps and enters the room.)

(Inside the room are several art supplies (ie. paint cans).)

Hank: Aw, it's just a bunch of art supplies. Wait, what's this?

(On a cardboard box are several rare Pleekymon cards. Hank picks up one of the cards, only to find that it has smudges on it.)

Hank: Hm.

(Hank sprays the card and wipes it down, but finds that the entire design had been smudged.)

Hank: Oh, it's been painted on! Could this mean that all the cards here at Nerd Night are fakes?

(The club owner appears.)

Owner: That's right, every last one of 'em. (laughs)

Hank: (gasps) It's you! You're ripping off poor, defenceless nerds!

Owner: For years I watched these nerds buy and sell these stupid cards.

(Hank growls.)

Owner: I never saw the point, until I realized I can make a lot of money sellin' fakes. I didn't count on you gettin' in my way.

Hank: I was doing my job!

Owner: Naw, your job was to clean! But it doesn't matter. I've already won, because I'm about to go sell this! (holds Pleekymon cards)

Hank: Whoa, a super-rare silver-backed edition Dark Matter Magisaur?

Owner: Hey, you know your Pleekymon! I'll score thousands off of some stooge out there! (laughs)

Hank: You'll never get away with this!

Owner: Sure I will, because you're going to be stuck in here forever! (leaves and closes door)

Hank: No! (tries opening door)

(The door is locked.)

Hank: (bangs on door and screams) Tom!

(Scene cuts to Tom and Angela, who are browsing an album full of Pleekymon cards)

Tom: Whoa, a limited-edition Hornless Unicorn? I've never seen so many rare cards in one place!

Angela: I guess I just have a gift.

Tom: Yeah, you do!

(The club owner is seen in the background, ready to sell the rare card to Tom.)

(Scene cuts to Hank in the closet.)

Hank: This is no time to panic. I can do this. I just have to find a...

(Hank finds a vent.)

Hank: A-ha! The ultimate hero cop escape route!

(Tom and Angela are now browsing more cards when they are approached by the club owner, who is opening a suitcase.)

Tom: Hm, how about this?

Owner: (interrupts) I can see you guys are serious Pleekymon collectors. I Pleeky a bit myself. (laughs)

Angela: It's not just a nerdy monster-based card collection game. It's a way of life.

Owner: Oh, you don't need to tell me, sister.

(The owner opens the suitcase, revealing the rare Magisaur card inside.)

Owner: Have you ever seen one of these?

Tom: Wow, a super-rare silver-backed edition Dark Matter Magisaur! It's the best card there is! I didn't even know they were real!

Owner: Yeah, it's real, alright, and it could be yours, I mean, for a price.

(Meanwhile, Hank stacks paint cans to reach the vent. He pulls off the grate and hops into the vent just as the stack of cans fall.)

Hank: (whispers) Got... to save... the nerds! (crawls in)

(Scene cuts back to Tom.)

Tom: I will pay anything for that card!

Angela: Wait, Tom, we have to be smart about this. Is it really worth it? Are we getting too obsessed?

(Hank crawls through the vent so that he is above the ceiling above Tom. He watches Tom through a grate.)

Tom: Angela, think about how much our collection would be worth if we had this card!

Angela: You are right. We'll pay anything for that card!

Hank: (bangs on vent) No! Don't do it! It's a fake!

(Tom is about to give a stack of cash to the owner.)

Hank: Tom! No!

(Tom does not hear Hank. Hank finds that he still has his spray bottle.)

Hank: Oh! Alright, time to clean up around here! (sprays through grate)

(The spray droplets hit the fake card. The club owner drops the suitcase.)

Angela: Wait a second, what's going on here?

(The card is smudged.)

Tom: The Magisaur isn't real?

(The club owner runs away, but Hank falls through the vent grate and lands in front of the owner.)

Tom: Hank!

Hank: That's right, this man is running a counterfeit Pleekymon card ring!

(The crowd gasps.)

Angela: What?

Hank: Sir, I'm bringing you to justice.

Owner: Oh, yeah? You and what army?

(Ginger intervenes, showing that he has beaten Ben and now has a group of followers.)

Ginger: How about my army? I'm the newly-crowned boy-king of Castles and Latrines, and I say no one messes with my subjects! Seize him!

(Gingers followers tackle the owner. Ginger laughs, and Ben is seen in jester attire.)

Ben: I lost fair and square.

Angela: So, if the cards were all fake, I don't really have a gift for finding rare Pleekymon? Ugh, this night is lame!

Tom: You saved us, Hank! You turned out to be a hero cop after all!

Hank: Tom, I appreciate that, but you're wrong. I'm not a hero cop. I'm a security guard! (sprays with spray bottle)

(Credits roll)