The Nerd Club/Transcript

Act I
(Tom, Angela and Hank are having a dance party in the garage. Party music is playing, and Ben enters.)

Ben: What? Why are you dancing? (turns off music) You're supposed to be brainstorming ideas for something to do on the mayor's float at the Founders' Day parade!

Tom: Well, we were brainstorming, but then it turned into... (turns on music) a dance party!

Angela: Like all our brainstorming sessions!

Tom: Ha ha! Yeah!

Ben: (turns off music) Guys, this is important. Tom's the new mayor. His presentation at this parade will set the tone for the whole year. (walks to computer) Lucky for you, I've prepared something that's really going to impress the whole crowd. (hits a key on a keyboard, a paper appears.)

Tom: Hm. (reads paper) "Our cyclical municipal dynamics of..." (snores) Ben, this is just a boring speech.

Ben: B-b-b-b-boring speech?! It's a detailed summary of the state of the town! You're the mayor. What are you going to do? Dance around for people?

Tom: Whoa! That's it! My presentation will be a big mayor dance! Yeah, thanks! (turns music on)

Angela: Smart brain thought, Ben!

Ben: No, that's not what I-

Hank: Yeah, Ben! We are picking up what you are throwing down! (The friends dance around Ben.)

Tom: We are feeling the mayor groove!

(The scene transforms into a desert. The friends transform into cavemen, making animal noises.)

Ben: Ok, this is fun, but if we could just get back to the data.

Tom: Oh, yeah, I can work the data in.

(Tom dances towards the computer. He slips on a paper and falls.)

Tom: Ow, ow! My knee!

Hank: Aw, man.

Tom: Aw, Ben, look what you did. How am I going to do my big mayor dance now?

Angela: Hey, don't blame Ben. He didn't know his idea was so dangerous.

Ben: My idea was fine! You guys just didn't listen to me!

Hank: Didn't we? Thought we did. (Ben groans.)

(theme song)

Act II
(Tom is sitting on the couch, putting an ice pack on his leg.)

Ben: I am sorry that you managed to hurt your own leg. But, I have something that can help.

Tom: Will it fix my twisted knee?

Ben: No, but it will fix the communication problem that led to your twisted knee.

Tom: What communication problem?

Ben: We do not speak at the same level. Because you are very smart and the rest of you are... smart-challenged. So, I created the Brainerator! (pulls out invention)

Tom: What does this thing do?

Brainerator: Please describe the functionality of this device.

Ben: It takes what I call "garage talk" and converts it to brilliant Ben-cabulary!

Tom: Ben, the problem isn't the way we talk; it's the way you talk.

Ben: What do you mean?

Tom I'm sorry, let me translate. (takes Brainerator and speaks into it) [enunciates] The problem isn't the way we talk; it's the way you talk.

Brainerator: The quandary in which we face is not our lack of vocabulary, but rather your inability to speak in a way that connects with your friends.

Ben: Oh, huh, see? We're communicating already.

(scene cuts to Ben in a Grape Store talking to Xenon.)

Ben: I just want to have an intellectual conversation every once in a while.

Xenon: You can have them with me, Benbug.

Ben: I know, Xeeny-Panini, but I wish I could have them with Tom and the rest of the gang.

Xenon: Well, if you're looking for friends who are as smart as you, you should join the SMARTIES.

Ben: (gasps) The Super Mentally Advanced Really Truly Intellectually Endowed Society? Are you a member?

Xenon: Of course! There's chapters everywhere. You should go to one of their SMARTIE parties.

Grape Store Employee: Pst, I couldn't help but overhear. Are you looking for a new hat?

Ben: No, dummy, this is a computer store. Go away!

Xenon: Ben, that's SMARTIES secret code. This one seeks an initiation. (makes strange hand gestures. The employee does the same.)

Employee: Follow me. (presses button on smartphone)

(A trapdoor appears in the floor. Ben screams as he falls into a pit. He lands in another room.)

Ben: Huh? Hm. (observes several scientists and mathematicians) Wow, this is impressive. (bumps into employee)

Employee: Welcome to the SMARTIE party. We need two forms of genius, please.

Ben: Uh, let's see. Uh, I've got, a letter from my high school science teacher. I always carry it around. And, of course, my new invention, the Brainerator.

(A male and female scientist appears.)

Female scientist: That is a wonderful invention!

Ben: Oh, great! Now, if you'll excuse me, I really wouldn't mind some of that red punch.

Male scientist: Uh-uh-uh! Punch is for SMARTIES, but you are not a SMARTY yet. First, you have to prove that you're not just a normal!

Female scientist: Activate the Test Tube!

(a tube appears and surrounds Ben.)

Ben: Aah! What's going on?

(Numbers appear on the tube's surface.)

Ben: Huh? Wait a minute! I recognize these numbers! It's the Fibonacci Sequence! The next number is 987! (Animals appear on the tube) Arthropods! (Another animal appears) A pangolin! Covalence bonds! Octahedron! Decahedron! Dodecahedron! And that is Orion's Belt. Looks a little tight, if you ask me. Maybe Orion needs to stop eating so much Crab-Nebula!

Male scientist: A perfect score! And an extra point for that delightful pun.

Female scientist: Here's your official headgear! (places graduation cap on Ben) Welcome to the SMARTIES!

Crowd: (applause) Huzzah!

Ben: Finally! My people!

Act III
(cuts to Tom, Angela, Hank, and Ginger in the garage sitting on the couch).

Tom: If I can't dance, what am I going to do in the Founder's Day Parade?

Ginger: Okay, check out what Hank is doing. You could impress the crowd by catching food in your mouth.

Tom: Uh, what does that have to do with the town?

Ginger: (realizing that wasn't what he was expecting from Tom as a response): Uh, it's like the popcorn is crunchy and you're a good mayor. So then (stuttering for presumably a fourteenth of a second), the thing is, I don't know, you figure it out. Popcorn me, Hank!

Hank: Here it comes!

(Hank throws pieces of popcorn twice and Ginger catches them both times, until he runs into the couch and misses the third kernel.)

Tom: Yeah, I'm not sure that'll set the exact tone I'm going for as mayor, but thanks.

Angela: There's not going to be much you can do with a busted wheel. Hm... I've got it! What if you sing?

Tom: (singing off-key) But I am a terrible singer!

Angela: (singing professionally) Maybe a little higher!

Tom: (speaking normally) You mean like.. (hesitates and starts singing off-key again but with higher tone) this?

Angela: (singing but even higher than Tom) No like this!

Angela and Tom: (both singing really high and off key) Ahh!

(Ginger laughs at Tom and Angela singing ridiculously while backing up from the couch to the door but accidentally bumps into Ben while he is coming through the front door.)

(Ben comes in seeing Ginger catching more kernels and Tom and Angela vocalizing on the couch with a higly unnecesary tone of voice)

Ben: (groans in annoyment)

Tom: Hey, ben! (pointing to the hat that Mel and Flo gave him when he finished the challenge back at the Grape Store) What is that crazy square things on your head?

Ben: (sighs in annoyment again) It's not a crazy square thing. It's my official S.M.A.R.T.I.E.S. head gear. You probably haven't heard of them.. (revealing the abbreviation) the Super Mentally Advanced Really Trully Intellectually Endowed Society. (winks at Tom and Hank)

Hank: Oh. I thought you said they were called the S.M.A.R.T.I.E.S.

Ben: Oh, Hank. The gaping chasm between us has never been more apparent.

(Hank blinks his eyes twice as a sign of huge confusement)

Angela: Oh, I get it now. Ben joined a hat club. Good job, Ben!

Ben: (sighs in annoyment for the third time in this scene and starts talking to Tom) This is what I was talking about before. It's like we're not even speaking the same vernacular.

Tom: (repeating what Ben literally just said but just in a different word) Or the same language

Ben: But thats.. Ugh.